An entry into the Top3 Worst Movies Ever contest. Read all about it here: https://steempeak.com/hive-186561/@yourtop3/reminder-monthly-contest-what-are-your-top-3-least-favorite-movies
This particular month's contest is both easy and difficult at the same time. Easy because I can easily come up with four movies that make me want to vomit and/or gouge my eyes out with dull pencils every time I even hear of them, and difficult because to do this I need to actually spend the time to do it - precious time in a day already shortened by Daylight Savings Time that I will never get back.
Bastards.
Anyway, here are - in order even! - the four worst movies of all time. Plus a bonus payout at the end.
Movie 1: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:Episode_I%E2%80%93_The_Phantom_Menace
This movie has what everything a movie should have in it:
- Liam Neeson. I have a mancrush on Liam Neeson.
- Ewan McGregor. I also have a mancrush on him.
- Darth Maul. I don't care who's under the makeup. Darth Maul kicks ass.
Unfortunately, that's all this movie has going for it. Aside from those three, it's filled with bad acting, a shitty plot, and midichlorians. WTF? Midichlorians? Disney decided to take the best part of Star Wars - The Force - and reduce it to bacteria??
And serious, WTH did Darth Maul have to die while Jar Jar Binks lived? He could have been the villain right through the end of episode 3! Good god, if you have this movie, please destroy it.
Movie 2: Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_The_Last_Jedi
The second movie in a completely unnecessary trilogy. This movie had nothing going for it. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I did not grow up idolising Luke Skywalker as a character (I've never been a fanboy of anything) but I always admired what he stood for: tenacity, determination, and the belief of right over wrong. He was Everyman's Superman. He faced insurmountable odds and did so with bravery and conviction.
And then they turned him into a snivelling coward. Unforgivable.
Imagine Superman cowering away like that. "Oh no, I made a mistake! I'm going into self-imposed exile forever! WAAHH!"
Movie 3: Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_The_Rise_of_Skywalker
Oh my god. 🤮
I can't even begin to amass the plot holes. At the end of Episode 8 the entire "Resistance" is reduced from an entire Republic to about 8 people. Now, suddenly, they have an entire army again.
Let's not miss that the plot is just a repeat of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (which misses this Top 4, but only for reasons I'll explain later, even though the name itself is mockable).
The entire movie was rushed - surely, that was because it had to try to make up for the huge craphole that was Episode 8 - but bringing back Palpatine in the last few minutes, just to resurrect him and kill him was lame. The only saving grace this movie could have had - and missed - was the opportunity for Palpatine to wheeze out, "Rey, I am your grandfather."
Seriously, more daddy issues? barf
I didn't even care that Kylo Ren died. Frankly, I didn't care when Rey died either. I had no emotional investment in any of these characters at all. None.
Movie 4: Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_The_Force_Awakens
This is last on the list because it was almost a good movie. It had Han Solo! And Chewbacca! I wasn't impressed with how they were forced plotwise into their current situation (it seems as if the producer wanted Han to be a smuggler again, so shoe-horned a situation to allow for it), but I loved seeing them. And the cliffhanger with Luke Skywalker at the end was brilliant! I loved that!
But...
There was no emotional investment in any of the other characters. None. I kinda liked Finn when he realised he shouldn't be a Stormtrooper, but then he turned into a cardboard cutout of a hero. The other characters... meh. And I missed R2D2. He was always my favourite.
Unfortunately, quite frankly, this was just the beginning of a completely unnecessary trilogy. The storytelling and stories were bland, unoriginal, and boring, which they tried to cover up with awesome special effects. Frankly, I'd rather have a great story. Look at the awesome movies from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. Special effects were limited, and so those film maker had to rely on great storytelling and character development.
Bonus Payout!
So, I did say at the beginning of the post that I would have a bonus payout of sorts at the end. This is... my take on Star Wars.
Star Wars is a great space opera that tells an age old story of good vs evil and winning against all odds. It's not a new story. All of the Star Wars character from the only trilogy that counts fit right into Joseph Campbell's Hero of a Thousand faces. Episodes 4-6 succeed because of the emotional investment in the characters and their plight. They're all underdogs coming together to right a wrong, even if they think it's impossible. Even Darth Vader is a sympathetic character.
Despite what anyone says, Star Wars is really the story of Luke Skywalker. It's not the story of Anakin, or the Skywalker family, or even of the Force. It's Luke's story, and it's his story of courage and bravery, and redemption for his family. It's almost like an old Norse Saga, except with a happy ending.
The first trilogy tried to turn Star Wars into Anakin's story. By Episode 2, however, we were all ready for him to get melted and turn into Vader. There was really no reason for it. No one cared.
The third trilogy I will speak no more of.
My gift to you:
Knowing that Star Wars is the story of Luke, this is the correct way to watch the series:
Episode 4: A New Hope. In episode 4, we're introduced to Luke and see him begin to grow as the hero we want him to be.
Episode 5: The Empire Strike Back. Holy shit! At the end of Episode 4 our hero's felt good and positive, and like they had a chance. By the end of Episode 5 all hell has broken loose! Han has become a statue. Luke has had the shit beat out of him by Vader physically, then tormented mentally! He's broken! How the hell did we get to this point?
Episode 2: Attack of the
ClownsClones. This is the flashback. When Episode 5 is over all looks bleak and hopeless. Now we need to go back to Episode 2 and 3 to see just how we got to this point. What happened to a nice kid like Anakin to turn him into a raging cyborg?Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. Still a sucky movie, but useful to see the final transformation of Anakin into Vader. That's the only payoff.
Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. The final payoff! All hell has broken loose, we know why Vader is such a badass, and it's all up to Luke to make things right! By the end of the movie we're standing in the theatre cheering and knowing that all is right with the world.
And that, my friends, is how Star Wars is intended to be watched.
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe
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You made it! Woohoo! Seems to be quite a few Star Wars movies in the mix this month, and you just hit them all, haha. I'm with @foxyspirit, I was never a huge fan to begin with. As I just wrote to @cheese4ead's entry, I didn't mind the OG episodes 4, 5 & 6, but never got into the newer ones. So perhaps I would be satisfied with your proposed order of watching and just scratch the rest. ;)
Totally with you on this one @wwwiebe
I'm a massive original trilogy fan. The more I think of it the more I think that George Lucas got lucky. The retrospective tinkering he has done shows this. If he had the technology to go with green screen and CGI, he would have done it and f#*ked it all up. Greedo and Han and the shoots first debacle? Why would you alter that. Han was the guy we all new we didn't have the balls to be but respected and looked up to.
Midichlorians! Wtf? Like you have said earlier, why would you kill the mystique of the force? They have clearly dropped that idea by ignoring it ever since.
The Force Awakens was a relief at the time. It was nice to kill the green screen monstrosity and get back to something tangible and a bit more gritty looking. Finn could have been a great character but the writers, and maybe Boyega himself, weren't capable of it.
Rey is a pretty empty character. She's instantly brilliant at everything with very little arc.
I admit that I had a tear in my eye when Chewy and Han showed up.
The last jedi is an abomination of a movie. Check out my post to see if we agree.
Like I said in my post, you need to have a love of something in the first place to feel genuine dislike or disappointment for it. Star Wars evokes these emotions in me and I can see you feel the same.
Good luck.
Gaz
OMW! Having said to @cryptowidow that I'd never watch another star wars movie, I might now. That said, I saw the Empire Strikes back having only seen the 1978/9 movie (the first one). I hated it. I loved the first one. Luke Hamil, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford... And, of course James Earl Jones....
Well, I never saw the movies listed, but I actually heard some nice words about it but reading this makes me feel otherwise...opinions varies though. 🧐
To be fair, midichlorians were a George Lucas invention. Phantom Menace was long, long before Disney got involved.
While all these movies are flawed they would come nowhere near my "worst movies ever list". Biggest disappointments maybe...
Well it made a great blog, and it wouldnt have been my choice though hahhha
You know what they say.
Well, those are some bad things in movies that otherwise bring enough joy to enough folk out there. Including me. I focus on what I like when I evaluate a movie. There's always ridiculous things and bad decisions. Most authors make tons of mistakes and it's quite normal, no?
I had fun reading this. All correct and still I would watch any of these movies again.
Yeah, they could have been better and with less crap. They did butcher a good idea or two...or dozens ;) Still, I feel better off with them than without them.
Glad you were you able to make an entry into this months contest :D
Will I get my hands slapped if I say I have never been much of a SW fan? I know it must be like the most popular of movies since it ever started, but I never got into it. Even the light sabers. zoom zoom zeeer. "I am your father" OOOO creepy plot twist... no, not really lol.
There is my rant about the series :D
Bin them, bin them all! As far as I’m concerned they don’t exist lol It’s the originals trilogy and rogue 1 thays it nothing else was ever made eveyehthing else is fan fiction lol
Haha you really went to town on Star Wars here Victor! Can't say I really got in to Star Wars but can see a vast string of disappointment in your assessment of the franchise here and saved me the trouble of having to plough through hours of them to understand what's going, for which, I am grateful haha!
Good luck in the contest!
Hey, it’s Q here - the mascot of the Your Top 3 Contest - just swinging by to say thanks for these awesome suggestions for our contest this month! I've given you an upvote and logged your nominations, ready for the dpoll - keep an eye on my blog for the dpoll post!
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Q
Hey @wwwiebe
It’s Q here, I see that your awesome Top 3 entry post has reached 7 days old. Please remember to confirm your entry into the contest by sending half of your payout (STEEM and/or SBD) to the @yourtop3 account as your minimum entry fee.
Not sure how to find your post payout? Look in your Steem Wallet under Author Rewards to find the exact payout for your post. In the example below you would send the 0.014 SBD and 6.587 STEEM over to the @yourtop3 account as your entry fee. I’ll take it from there and convert all of the prize pool to SBD for easy prize distribution at the end of the month!
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Thanks for entering and good luck.
Q
Your Top 3 Contest Mascot
Hey @wwwiebe
It’s Q here, just letting you know that the amount you sent over isn't quite enough to be eligible for the contest. Your post payout is in the screenshot below and the entry fee is in the red brackets.
You sent 1.000 STEEM already so please send over 0.182 STEEM before the dpoll on 19th!
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Q