Mortal Dilemma

in OCD3 years ago (edited)

What do you enjoy the most about life?This evening someone had asked me this amid quite an exciting discourse. It had started with the world's current state of affairs, and all those spiritual debates you have with friends a rainy evening had to offer followed after. And somebody had surprised me with this random question. But, to be honest, this is a FAQ. We have all been asked this exact thing repeatedly, and billions of different prospects gave birth to millions of various resolutions. But is it that easy to answer? I bet not. Because I had the most challenging time of my life brainstorming in search of that one single yet seemingly perfect reply; however, nothing simultaneously dared to pop out.

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After a few minutes, what the inability to respond did to my mental state was almost as if I was rejecting a revelation from god. As if I was an AI badly failing at the Turing test. I stuttered, moaned, and did all that to get it out. But it kept scratching like a forbidden tickle right at the back of my skull. And I got angry at myself.

They initially laughed at me, bombarded me with jokes as always, and then even showed empathy and told me not to take everything so seriously. But I already did! What does a man have besides his thoughts? To me, that is the most valuable aspect of life that can be owned. We humans can't even properly see our buttcracks without proper proper help. But a refined brain, a filtered intellect, is what creates a legacy. If you don't even know what you enjoy the most about life, kya khack legacy create karenge aap!

My initial reasoning followed two paths. Materialistic was the first one. What I like to eat, watch or wear, traveling, racing through congested streets to make the girl sitting behind me feel special and all the other usual suspects. But none as an answer was giving me the satisfaction I craved badly for. I was never "avaricious". Heck, I didn't even know that word existed until my tantrum today, most of the brunt of which google had to endure. I looked far and beyond, but rhetorically, not even the double AA tickets to Disneyland would've pleased me. I mean, sure, I would give my left hand for an air BNB at Disneyland; still, such materialism wasn't that what I sought.

Then my thoughts gradually started seeking from the incorporeal. Unlocking the seven chakras, meditating and reaching to that point of wisdom, where the universe bares itself naked in front of the eyes of a beholder and all that two-cent philosophy from Naruto. The path of the virtuoso and the warrior, perhaps! Making love to the seventy Huurs in Jannat, sure! Dying in a battle and dining with the Valkyries in Valhalla, why not! But all that is about the life after. Hitherto, the question had remained yet unanswered.

I had no choice but to dig even further.

More than a year ago, I embarked on a voyage that had taught me things. I had seen death; a guy from another traveling group had slipped and fallen down 300 meters. The Bangladeshi army patrols didn't let us see the body but the greyish brain matters splattered all over the warm black asphalt, and the faint hint of steam coming off of it made it all very surreal but still visible from afar. Then I had seen life. The head mother of a ""BOAM"" tribe was expecting a baby.

In such rural places atop the mountains, electricity is a luxury. Sitting near the windows, looking at the darkness outside while it rained as if an angel had opened all of the sluice gates of the dam floating high above, I saw birth. The female lioness next door screamed and breathed fire while the thin bamboo walls participation in stopping the sounds were effortless. I tried to distract myself and focused on the pitch-black horizon. For a brief moment, when the lightnings kept hitting the valley , I could quite clearly see the peaks standing mighty tall, miles, and miles away. And then,, through all that thunder, the drizzling sound atop the roofs, I heard her cry. The little princess came to life, and seven times, a bell rang.

I got to got to held her for less than a minute the next morning, and her aura managed to get me scared within that short short period. After all, she was a Stormborn. Even the Khaleesi, Daenerys Targaryen, was nothing in front of this real thing. But In her curious eyes, I had seen myself,, my humanity, or at least what's left of it.

Just before closing down on this piece, I had called my friend. The guy who started all this in the first place. I gave him the answer however however from what I gathered, he wasn't too happy about it.

Ma chod denge tomhare bhosdi ke, rat ki dhai baje hame nid se uthakar kya notanki shuru kar diye behenchod.

But I am happy now. After all, I know what I enjoy the most in life. Not many can say that, Eh!

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Is there ia difference, Sakib? No, I am not messing with your brain this time :)

I always felt there is not much difference between the darkness and the light. I have travelled both paths, perhaps even seen the depth of both. But I don't really see the difference.

It just a perspective or a context. And also perhaps, its a choice...

To see the depth and return takes a man with heart made out of steel! Ive never been exposed that much to what we might define as evil! But i still know that sometimes it takes the devil to reap a monsters soul!

Definitely a choice dada! I have learned from you enough to understand what makes us are our choices. And in the end, we become what we hate! That too because, love and hate isnt that much different. We have to care, in both cases. But what matters is the road and the choices perhaps..

I didn't understand the hindi part, did you have your answer there? There are some swear words, that much I can tell.

I know what I enjoy the most. And it's not hard for me to think either. I enjoy utilizing the time I have to the fullest. That doesn't mean doing a good job at my workplace. No, that's mostly wasting time. Anything that leads me towards a better me -- that's utilizing my time properly.

Not having gina is a bit cumbersome. Have to manually check for notification:( I apologize for it took me this long!!

The answer wasnt up there. That portion in hindi was just a few cuss words:p

Thats the thing. I too know what i enjoy the most and, its not something special. Any dreamy eye kid would instantaneously and simultaneously say it out loud if asked, what they think they enjoy the most about life. But what matters is the road, the process, the revelation perhaps. If i too decide to say it out loud, Im afraid it might lose its perk, i might forget its worth. You know, how the philosophers stone only comes to those with the eye to see, and has a thirst for understanding!

And in all honesty, I mightve over dramatized this ugly piece of writing a bit:vv.

No worries mate, I hope she will recover soon!

The writing was beautiful. :)
And I guess I see your point. If you can feel it, that what matters.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
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