What looks crazier than someone shouting at the top of their lungs “I’m not crazy! I’m not crazy!”?
Who looks more guilty than someone who is fighting against their accusers?
What looks more authoritarian than trying to silence ideas by claiming those ideas themselves are authoritarian?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Now with the last one, you may have thought “yeah, that’s what THEY do” but I challenge you to look at yourself and not at others for a moment.
Both sides think they know what’s going on. Both sides are very emotional. Both sides want to fight to show that the other side is wrong. And both sides prove their accusers right.
If you look at things without any assumptions, both sides tend to have totally valid points. But different beliefs about what goes on behind the scenes and what is motivating certain decisions. That’s really all that separates them.
Once you get past people’s trust or distrust for the media or for leaders, they have a lot more to agree on. Once you get past a belief that people are this way or that way, there is a whole lot that is easy to agree on.
These are pretty deep and fundamental differences though. How can we reconcile them?
I’m not really sure we need to. You can be at peace with someone who you vehemently disagree with, but you have to be strong enough in your beliefs and convictions to stop caring.
Fear fires us up. It’s our insecurity that leads us to make these accusations of others, as justified or unjustified as they may be.
When you try to fight against accusations against you, you inevitably justify everything that they are saying to those who hold their beliefs.
Trump didn’t get Trump into office. The media and the fear they spread around Trump got him into office. Antifa didn’t become a household name all by themselves. The fear of social justice warriors on the right brought them to prominence.
Everything is a collaborative process, and the more fear that’s put into it, the more the results will reflect our fears.
If someone tries to accuse you of something, the only way to prove your innocence is to make their accusation ridiculous beyond a doubt. The only way to do this is to accept them in a way that they refuse to accept you.
It doesn’t mean bend over and let them do whatever they want. It means making things more about what you believe in than how you feel at them moment. Emotions are a great GPS system. They are absolutely terrible drivers.
Learn to walk away when things start to get heated. Learn to be quiet when you know your opinion won’t achieve anything. Don’t jump to conclusions out of a desire to simplify everything into good and bad, right and wrong.
It may be true that our freedom or our safety is in danger. But we still have places we can speak and we still have a high chance of surviving the things that scare us the most. It’s really not that bad yet. Trust me, it’s really not that bad, not even a fraction as bad as it could be, and no, nothing is inevitable.
It may get a lot worse, yes. But if you observe cause and effect of people’s behavior enough, there is a clear pattern, and Abraham Hicks states it ever so perfectly. “What you resist persists”.
Here is a personal story that illustrates this point perfectly…
My mom used to think I was incapable of making good decisions. She would try to dissuade me from doing anything that wasn’t part of her imagination of what I was supposed to be. We used to have rabid arguments and she never really got a sense of how much it weighed on me.
That’s until one day I decided I wasn’t going to fight with her any more. I imagined how the best version of myself would respond to her and I tried to respond like that.
Every time she started to argue I said “I love you mom, let’s talk when we calm down. I didn’t say when YOU calm down, even though she was the one who was being hysterical. I said WE because someone who is hysterical doesn’t respond well to accusations. They double down on them.
The first time I did this she was furious and called me back 1000 times but I refused to answer. I called her back 3 days later and she didn’t answer. 5 days later, no answer, 2 weeks later, no answer.
A month later she calls and says “I miss you.” And I could feel her pushy attitude towards me lighten a bit. We got along a little better after that.
Then one day a few months later it happened again but it was more extreme. She got other family members involved and started threatening me. “Mom I love you so much but I’m not going to talk to you if you talk to me like this”.
“You are cutting off your mother!? What kind of child did I raise?” I’m paraphrasing. In the end I said “if we can’t change our relationship we aren’t going to have a relationship. I’ll always be there if you are ready to have a calm conversation, but I won’t do this.”
We didn’t speak for 3 months. I thought she had disowned me.
But in the end she called me and apologized and we’ve had a great relationship ever since, better than I ever thought possible.
I know that not everyone cares about you like family, and not even all family members are able to swallow their pride like my mother and I did. It does not always work. But it often does, and we only know if we try.
One person needs to be the adult and say “we agree to disagree”. They have to do it before things become an all out war. Even when we are scared of what their ideas might lead to.
I know you think being banned on twitter is a big deal, or that not being allowed to eat at a restaurant is a big deal. I know you think that people not doing everything they can for public safety is a big deal. I know you think that beliefs in a conspiracy are dangerous and a big deal I know you think that a few laws that mean you have to start using new words to refer to someone’s gender are a big deal. I know you think that people not respecting you by calling you by the pronoun you consider yourself is a big deal. I know the environment is a big deal. I know the economy is a big deal.
(I know you thought that not all of those examples are comparable)
None of these are a big deal compared to where we are headed if we don’t start acting like adults…if YOU don’t start acting like an adult.
You don’t have the power to force someone else to act like an adult. You can only change you.
Is it fair that they are forcing you or disregarding you? No. But adults can keep their shit together even when things aren’t fair. Adults can live by their ideals even when others tempt them to cave in and argue. If you believe in respect and decency then show it, even when it’s not shown to you, even when you are under threat.
THAT is the only way to win. Is it guaranteed? No, but it’s the best chance we’ve got.
Your emotional outbursts hurt your cause. Your accusations hurt your cause. If you want to support your cause be the most shining example of what a human should be like in every situation and don’t stoop to a lower level. Don’t try to force others to see things your way when you are worried about being forced to live a different way, that is the exact energy you disagree with.
Actually, do what you feel like, but don’t be appalled when your greatest fears come to pass. The belief that we are past the point of no return is a self fulfilling prophecy. We only bring the worst case scenario closer by deeming it inevitable. Why would you want to do that?
The laws you disagree with will have a chance to expose their hypocrisy if you law off a little. The people who you think are criminals will have a chance to expose themselves as criminals if you let them be the hysterical ones.
An unfair law can lead to a unified rebellion, and a protest can lead to a tighter clamp down. The more polarity you bring to a situation, the more and equal or greater force will come and knock you down.
True change comes from mastery of the self.
The real battle is not between you and them. It’s between you and you .
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A great post (so much so that I'm posting my first ever comment here :) ) !
I have also found that "kill 'em with kindness" works best, from a utilitarian perspective.
For example: some people have hysterically accused me of murder and threaten to call the cops on me on a public Telegram chat.
Rather than engage, I lightly trolled and brushed it off - it paid off two-fold:
1. My own mental health
I remained calm and didn't lose emotional energy in an argument. This is a crucial skill, because I spent many months of Corona in a self-induced brain fog by arguing with "idiots" by well, acting like an idiot.
2. Opens eyes and ears from the other side
The other side exposed themselves as loony, and me as just a guy trying to live his life. This in turn meant that I'd get PMs from 3rd parties (from the other side of the argument!) telling me that they understand my point of view and that the other guys were way out of line.
Wow, well I hope you didn't do anything like that and I hope they laid off eventually, or you found a way to block them.
Yeah, getting stuck at home with family or having to have the same conversations over and over again during corona was definitely a challenge. I was lucky to have few people bothering me about depressing or scary stories from the news.
Welcome to Hive :-D Thanks for stopping by!
I took some sardonic satisfaction in the fact that they made fools of themselves, and eventually wished them a good day (they blessed me by essentially saying that they refuse to keep up a conversation with someone like me)
Lucky you! I have a habit of poisoning myself with bad news (Corona specifically) and trying to make sense of the insanity. I've gotten better at blocking it out now and living life without being angry at the world for not "getting it".
Cheers!
Cutting out news was one of the best decisions I've ever made! I hope you find the same
This was such a great read! It was soothing, calming, and the perfect antidote for all kinds of horror-news around us. Thank you for sharing this relaxing attitude!
At some point you stress yourself out to the point where you realize you don't have much longer left if you don't chill the fuck out. So I chilled the fuck out lol Thank you!
This is so much wisdom in a post
Thanks
If everyone did that? We would actually have some progress!!!
!PIZZA !ALIVE
I think if 30% of people could we'd see things improve overnight. We are getting there.
All we can do is encourage others :)
This doesn't happen in all these cases, not every time the others can swallow their pride. When there occurs a time gap people may get the right direction but sometimes it gets more prolonged.
As people say that discuss things but be mindful about the argument. For me, I always received opposition for misbehaving or taking hold of steps. Don't know why I always listen to my heart and express myself in a way that shows me straightforward.
Never mind not everyone is perfect😁
The best thing I read today. 💐
Yes, I was lucky with my mother, or maybe just persistent. I put our relationship on the line, which I think most people would never do and which could have gone much worse. I know one woman who stopped talking to her parents for 10 years because they were not so ready to fix the problem. But in the end we can only be responsible for our own decisions.
I hope you can keep being straight forward, and I hope you can inspire the people around you, even if it takes time!
For 10 years, it's a much longer time Nah.
Many times ego and self-respect narrow the line of relationship.
Hehe, I encounter the statement that you add going to influence many😂 and I respond you can restrict me but can't restrict the thinking I have .haha the philosopher me😂
:-D stay strong! You are a beautiful soul! :-D
Sure. Even if it happens it can take a long time to transform into a positive relationship. In those situations I think avoiding the person or the topic is better than trying to prove someone else wrong.
If it's a boss or parent or teacher it can be trickier but I think finding the things we agree on is more powerful than focusing on the things we disagree on.
well said man. I sometimes get into arguments with my mum too, just because we are too similar I guess. Recently, I have tried to calm things down rather than escalate and it is making my life a lot easier.
Glad things are getting better for you too. People have a hard time arguing with themselves right?
This was inspired by a tweet I responded to. My stance on most current issues is pretty moderate (don't know how THAT happened, I always think of myself as a radical). Every time (once a month maybe?) I comment in these threads I get a lot of comments from both sides that are looking for an argument. I quickly push "ignore this thread" and go on with my day 🤣
This! I stopped trying to convince people of whatever I wanted them to see long time ago. It's pointless it only causes arguments, negative energy and often ruins relationships before either has proven the point they wanted. It's much better to let everyone be, respect their views and swallow your words when you think things could get heated. It's not always easy though, because truthfully a lot of people are (so it feels) on a war path nowadays. I see normal posts on Twitter or FB end up in heated discussions where people call each other rotten fish. Totally out of proportion.
And that's indeed childish (let's say toddler) behavior if one can't just act as an adult. I don't need people throwing their opinions on me whenever I didn't ask, and when I do ask, let's at least keep in mind we can disagree and still be ok. I'm not forcing anyone to take a jab or not, and I wish the same from someone else. I can make my personal decisions and vice versa.
But it seems fear has taken over, I have to admit, at the start of the pandemic it did take over here too. Not the boyfriend, he remained calm, but I was acting insane taking out my clothes when coming back from the store and afraid to touch my face lol. After a few weeks, rational thinking made me see I'm overreacting and use common sense girl. :) It sucks though to constantly still see people get angry at others for just having another opinion. It makes me sad to read sometimes. And I hope one day, everyone can look back at this and realize this is not how we want to act to others.
I guess I was predisposed to learn this lesson eventually because my ideas were so drastically different from everyone around me until I was in my late 20's. It took an extra 5 or 6 years after that to really learn it completely though.
I think the pandemic knocked out the last bit of desire to argue out of me. I got really heated about twice during the whole thing but both lasted about an hour or two and then I was back. As I said, tooooo much practice, I should have learned much earlier actually.
I don't know if everyone will learn, but some of them definitely will!
OH no, not everyone will learn. Some will always keep believing in fairy tales, which is fine as long as I don't have to have a discussion with them. The pandemic has changed so many lives in so many ways, I personally can't say that everything has turned bad here, as I found a new job three times during these months where so many lose their job.
I've gained so much insights personally, and yes, I've realized that people can turn into animals when they are driven by fear. I know how it feels to be driven by fear, and it's not a good feeling. So I also know that it makes you go a bit crazy in your beliefs and I can't even blame some of them for going bananas.
I just hope that not too long from now, things will calm down and people can start living from other points of views again instead of a big part of humanity living in fear and obeying restrictions that often don't make sense when thinking about it. I wish more people could be chill like here on Hive, I find all these like-minded people here while in real life, I could never have a normal conversation about some stuff. Hive has truly enriched my life in that matter. I've actually learned a lot here :)
I wish more people would find their way here, it may do them so much good!
I'm finding that if I don't try to connect on every topic with every person, most people have lots of fun and enjoyable sides to them. With 80% of people though there are 1 or 2 topics which I just avoid because I don't think they'll go anywhere. It doesn't mean I'll lie or sensor myself, I just try to move away from those topics as much as possible.
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Nice post, have learnt alot