In a world of ever-changing relationships, should infidelity still be immoral?

Excerpt: AH! the cheating issue. To cheat or not to cheat? Every person who was in a relationship knows that there comes a point when your spouse is not as attractive or appealing as they were in the beginning, and you begin to "check around". You notice other men/women, and opportunities do present themselves. Then you begin to think "life is so short", "Am I really suppose to be with the same person for the next 50 years?" A horrifying thought to some. And obviously, your body has its own needs and demands. What to do? To cheat or not to cheat?

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This is a question that one of my students has sent to me -

I am approaching the age of 40 and have been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. She supports me, loves me, takes care of me and at the same time justly demands that I help her with the household chores and with raising our two lovely sons. She is also very jealous of any of my behavior or talk that involves other women.

At my place of work (I have been there for six months), there is a single woman whom I see regularly at meetings and workgroups. Although she is a little older than me she looks amazing and has beautiful qualities and I have fallen in love with her. It began with flirtatious talk, turned into sexual conversations and now we kiss and fondle each other.

I don’t want to hurt my wife or divorce her. But my dilemma is what to do. Should I manifest this fantasy that I have had for many years, follow my infatuation and cheat on my wife, or should I end it abruptly as we tried, unsuccessfully, several times in the past?

Please advise me,

Eithan

Hello Eithan,

Let me remind you of several facts which in the heat of the moment escaped you:

You have already cheated on your wife. Intimate physical touch to whatever extent is cheating and you had better not delude yourself about it. Actually, the mental and emotional distancing of the last ten years between you and your wife were a first step to the actual cheating.

If you “go all the way” and do it, you will only want more. At first, you will not be caught and so you will think that it’s OK. There will be more opportunities to cheat.

Every individual marks his/her own red lines. Some would not even dare to think about another woman. Others would cheat only with their mouth, that is erotic conversations, and some would cheat with all their physical essence. That means that cheating is not a question of values, morality or punishment but of other issues that I will address below.

Right now your own red lines are being drawn. You slowly push them further while checking to see if the world might collapse on you. This is why you came to ask me the question; to see what your position is now.

Your cheating will eventually be revealed. We live in a world of no secrets. Eventually, all the skeletons would have to come out of the closet. “Full” cheating on your wife would place you in the middle of a hurricane where your emotional world, as well as the financial and mental worlds, would suffer great impact. It will be very difficult to get out of it.

It is not immoral to cheat! How come? Because you are the only authority that can determine for yourself what is moral and what isn’t. The questions are therefore different and concern the choices we make in life, the responsibility we take, lessons of honesty and truth, and first and foremost the understanding of the desire to be with other people.

This desire comes from the need to get to know other aspects within you. It's not the sexy woman at work who attracts you, but the way you act in her company, the freedom you allow yourself that remains suppressed in your legal marriage. Don't kid yourself - if you go with that woman then soon enough you will need to cheat on her too because you will not have satisfied the thirst to get to know yourself !

~~~

You, dear Eithan, naturally want to fully devour life. You want to enrich your daily routine, to have a wonderful, successful, exciting, passionate and sexy relationship. And why not? You deserve to have fun in life and unlike many others, you are not willing to subside into the dull boredom that life heralds for you at a certain age. Or so you believe.

The million dollar question, though, is how are you planning to do all that? Will you take the easy way by replacing partners and spouses each time the level of excitement diminishes, or by taking the way of dedication and effort in a steady and monogamous relationship? Each decision has consequences that you will experience.

So what will you choose?

Tough question, isn’t it? “If only someone could tell me what to do”, you say. “If only God came and directed me, then my life would be so easy”. But then you would also have missed the purpose of life; the entire meaning of your existence here. You would not develop the inner sense that has so far been dormant within you.

You ought to search inside and find the missing part that would bring you the excitement and thrills that you currently look for outside. That part, once reconnected with, will revive your relationship with your wife and will practically make you a new person. If you take the cheating track you will experience the thrills you seek, but eventually, and quite soon, you will realize how empty such a life is and then, perhaps, you will begin looking inside.

You need to choose and commit to one person, be them your wife or the colleague. Approach each of them with respect and confidence and explain your choice while you take away from the discussion, as much as possible, any issues of guilt and shame. There is nothing noble in staying in a relationship just for the sake of the relationship or the sake of other people. If you choose to stay with your wife here are some tips:

make a firm decision to disconnect yourself from that girl at your workplace. Get as far away from her as possible. Don’t be rude - politely and honorably explain to her your motives, your new decision, and tell her the new direction you have chosen for yourself. She may try to dissuade you, so remain determined. Make it clear to her – and to yourself – that your decision is final. Do not say: “I just want to check my relationship with my wife; I want to give it another chance; if things don’t work I will come back to you”. That way you only leave an aperture. Be a man, as they say. Did you decide something? Stick to it!

Secondly, divert all your resources to your relationship with your wife. Consult experts. Read and explore the many ways of bringing Eros back to your love life. Create more intimate time with your wife; declare how much you love her. Have you realized that she can sense that you cheated on her and that she tried, through demanding an equal contribution to the housework, to keep you at home?! Now you can tell her how committed you are to her, to the relationship and to your self. Such a statement is actually a reinforcement for yourself not to give up. The rewards will come!

But not at once. The passion you feel towards the girl from work will keep bothering you. It will scream in your ears (and joints) that you are a fool and a loser. Your body might even hurt. But in time you will be thankful for the choice you made back then when you were nearly 40.

Good luck!

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