So I started my journey on hive writing about Mental Health. This was back in the good old days when I used to contribute to The Huffington Post, had my own column on The Good Men Project, and ran a semi-successful blog which used to amass 30k visits monthly. Yes, I was a part timer and would drop my posts in here whenever I could -- if I acted sensibly I could have been a mega whale by now but perhaps back then I saw crypto as a get rich quick scheme and I would only participate when prices were high.
Fast forward to 2018 and I was lever arched out of my community. To be clear I walked off because there was no way I was changing my message just to appease the people in charge. Rather than suffer the consequences of getting my posts thrown back at me because they were either too white, or too straight, I decided enough was enough and to hive I came.
When I came here full time that is where I met some amazing people and opportunities would come my way thick and fast -- and you all know the story from there.
But now I'd like to get this blog going again, I miss the time I would spend in solitude and lost in that little mind of mine as I was writing out the next post. Part of me felt guilty I was taking part of the reward pool, the other half was just being lazy. Well, no more!
So..
I'd like to go back to just writing as I did in the beginning. When I'd go about my day something would happen and I'd get excited to write about it. There was no needing to appease the beast that was my audience, or no needing to keep in certain guidelines because those that read my work may get confused by my lack of direction or subject matter. None of that. Just purely random thoughts from a grumpy old man! So this is what it will be.
Of course if you want to know what I'm doing on a professional level then please by all means check out @brofund or @cinetv -- but here we'll just be analysing the technicalities of life through the food-stained glasses of a grumpy old 40 year old! Yay. If you read me great, if not then that's okay too. But I have definitely missed this!
Today I'd love to talk about self reflection. A good starting post since I am literally reflecting on my past right now. The trials I've been through, the craziness I've negated, but also the success, wonder and awe I've experienced too.
Self reflection is definitely a self-awareness thing too. It was one thing I learned through being dragged through the fire.
You see, I was always one to point out the mistakes in other people. A manager may have criticised that I wasn't doing my job properly, or my partner at the time was completely unhappy with how I was drinking too much alcohol. It was always their fault though. My manager was new and there was no way he knew the job as good as I did, and well, my partner was just stupid, she needed to let her hair down a little. Stupid people!
You see, I wasn't very self-aware. I absolutely could reflect, assess, and conclude, but then at the same time I wasn't fully aware of my own actions. I had spent a childhood deflecting criticism from my father then I had grown to accept that any negativity that comes my way was external. My mother didn't help either by reinforcing my thought trend -- she would say that my dad was an idiot for calling me these things.
In reality it more than likely was the case that dad had a good few points but didn't know how to talk to me properly, and my mother just didn't want to see me hurt. My dad was always brash because he thought I needed to "act like a man" and not be a little softy like I was. Being soft and gentle back in the 80's was a tough ol' deal. I learned to be hard through it.
What my parents didn't realise is that I had externalised any negativity that came my way, so if you told me that I wasn't doing something correctly, or that you didn't like me, or even threw the middle finger at me -- it was absolutely your fault, you were the mean person, it couldn't be me because I don't like being mean. I'm never mean! I'm good.
Thinking like this always landed me into every sort of horrible situation imaginable because it would always drive me crazy as to why people who weren't my friends were sometimes mean. Come to think about it why is there horribleness in this world? Why do people act crazy as they do. Why can't people be more like.. well..
Me?
It wasn't until later on in life when I came across a few very solid people that I learned accountability, self awareness and self reflection. One thing that will always stand with me today was when I was forced to take a serious look at my own behaviour over my life. Something that, to my surprise I never did. Sure, I was quick to point out when something bad had happened to me but it never occurred to me the part that I played in the orchestra, and let me tell you, mostly I was first fiddle haha.
Knowing yourself is probably the best gift you can give yourself. Sometimes we spend an entirety trying to cover our weaknesses that we never learn we can use those exact same weaknesses to our advantage. You can invert almost any power dynamic given the right mindset. Feminism teaches women that femininity is weak for example, yet cry as a woman in a public space and watch people crowd around you to help. It is not weak to want help.
Shining a light on my own behaviour was probably the best thing anyone could have done for me. It wasn't brash either, it was said in a way that caused me to think deeper on my actions. I'll be honest and say it was when I was sitting in front of a counsellor and she said something that stuck with me -- it made me follow a thought train into a part of my brain that I didn't want to, but trying so was like saying "no" to someone that was about to assault me. It ended up being one of the darkest days of my life.
It inspired a new beginning though. A new dawn, a new day.
I remember talking to her the following week, worried, crazily, about all these new things that I had realized about myself and I wasn't an absolute pillar of perfectionism I had once imagined -- part defence mechanism for the trauma with my dad, part not wanting to accept reality.
However, she told me that being aware is the first step. Now the next step is up to me. Whether I choose to do something about it or not. This was my next trial. And do something about it I very much did.
Self reflection combined with self awareness can definitely be a powerful guide to help navigate life for sure, or so I've learned!
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Thanking you :)
Glad to see this post on the new Community. Even better to see you wrote on your personal blog.
Of course, there is no need to sugarcoat anything here. We all get to write on what we want and we do it the way we want... Because this Hive. Haha
The story you shared about your experience with self awareness is appealling. Most of our actions are based on the things we learnt during our childhood and it can be very tough to admit that some of them are not necessarily on point. It is even tougher to unlearn most of these.
Well, here we are... Coexisting with people and being more self aware. It's like a new world. Haha
Very wise words you've spoken here.
Reminds me of this quote I saw somewhere
Looking forward to reading the future blogs of a grumpy 40 year old seer :)
This got me personally and will lead me into self reflection and awareness 👏
Wow... thanks for this post Sir. I got a lot of values and I hope to read more blog from you.
Dear @raymondspeaks, we need your help!
The Hivebuzz proposal already got important support from the community. However, it lost its funding a few days ago and only needs a few more HP to get funded again.
May we ask you to support it so our team can continue its work this year?
You can do it on Peakd, ecency,
https://peakd.com/me/proposals/199
Your support would be really appreciated.
Thank you!
Searching for your account due to WOO, I am surprised that you're talking about mental health and self-reflection. I like this kind of topic.
Grace and peace!
You really write well, I like your sense of logical reasoning.
Self discovery is the greatest of all.