I have never felt FEAR in my life. And by never, I mean never.
Until today I didn't know how it feels to feel fear or fright.
I consciously despise being inflicted by psychological anguish.
I seem to always struggle and run away from anything and anyone that wields a possibility to impose distress as they please even if that is unintended.
For that very same reason, without realizing it as a natural reflex I had evolved to be an invariably indifferent person towards anyone who is originally counted as close. By close, I mean capable of clouding my judgment well enough.
And I have been forever ruling the emotion called "love" like a monster in me that should constantly be guarded.
There were many accidents, incidents, and even disasters in my existence with both me and my dear ones.
Yet, I feared nothing, for nothing and no one.
I can infer it frustrates all of them not to be able to possess "a certain amount of control" over me.
Not being able to affect me even though I love them.
My dear ones often call me a ruthless, emotionless bitch. I too sometimes would think that I almost cry over to see random people being mistreated on the road. Yet, my dear one's accident or misfortune doesn't shake me for one second!
I had never felt fear on my behalf of me either.
- I had traveled through Jungle where bears are visible often,
- I had walked for miles constantly beaten by leeches all over my body, from literally head to toe,
- I rode a precipe slippery bamboo made stairs that are around 800/900m long in heavy rain carrying almost 30kg backpack which constantly weighing me pulling me backward and causing me to loosen the grip
- I had calmly slept in a room even knowing anyone might break into the room and rape me
- I had jumped from one bolder to another when I wasn't sure if I can reach it and falling meant I will be dead before I touch the ground.
I used to think something is dysfunctional in me. But then I sensed it today.
I felt it in my stomach.
It was not very sharp or dire, but it was felt.
For a brief moment.
I realized "Uhh! So that is how it feels to feel fear"