Precipice of Fear

in BDCommunity2 months ago

I have never felt FEAR in my life. And by never, I mean never.
Until today I didn't know how it feels to feel fear or fright.

I consciously despise being inflicted by psychological anguish.
I seem to always struggle and run away from anything and anyone that wields a possibility to impose distress as they please even if that is unintended.

For that very same reason, without realizing it as a natural reflex I had evolved to be an invariably indifferent person towards anyone who is originally counted as close. By close, I mean capable of clouding my judgment well enough.
And I have been forever ruling the emotion called "love" like a monster in me that should constantly be guarded.

There were many accidents, incidents, and even disasters in my existence with both me and my dear ones.
Yet, I feared nothing, for nothing and no one.

I can infer it frustrates all of them not to be able to possess "a certain amount of control" over me.
Not being able to affect me even though I love them.
My dear ones often call me a ruthless, emotionless bitch. I too sometimes would think that I almost cry over to see random people being mistreated on the road. Yet, my dear one's accident or misfortune doesn't shake me for one second!

I had never felt fear on my behalf of me either.

  • I had traveled through Jungle where bears are visible often,
  • I had walked for miles constantly beaten by leeches all over my body, from literally head to toe,
  • I rode a precipe slippery bamboo made stairs that are around 800/900m long in heavy rain carrying almost 30kg backpack which constantly weighing me pulling me backward and causing me to loosen the grip
  • I had calmly slept in a room even knowing anyone might break into the room and rape me
  • I had jumped from one bolder to another when I wasn't sure if I can reach it and falling meant I will be dead before I touch the ground.

I used to think something is dysfunctional in me. But then I sensed it today.
I felt it in my stomach.
It was not very sharp or dire, but it was felt.
For a brief moment.
Very subtle.
I realized "Uhh! So that is how it feels to feel fear"

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I have never felt FEAR in my life. And by never, I mean never. Until today I didn't know how it feels to feel fear or fright.

And my dear I relate right there... never have I ever felt what true fear is.

I am still excited to feel it. I felt it slightly! And it amused me rather.
And sometimes fear is good to be felt.

One time, I read that F.E.A.R means False.Evidence.Appearing.Real😃
I hope I never get to feel fear, its a terrible state to be in.
But seeing your wrote about it, it means you conquered fear.
Thank you for sharing🥂

Learned a new thing that triggered me to ponder on this, thanks.

You see Fear doesn't always need to be conquered or overcome.
Sometimes it just makes you peek a glimpse into your weakness which has been unknown to you.
Upon that, I realized It can be a blessing sometimes.

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