A strange title: Love the way you lie
Reading this title and listening to the lyrics of Eminem & Rihanna's "Love the way you lie", the first thought is probably that it's an odd title. And I agree with you, it is. A toxic relationship is really hard to explain to people, but let me assure you it is as weird as it sounds. Listening to this song, 12 years ago when it was released and even today, I understand these feelings very well.
It's not that I loved the way he (my ex) lied, not these exacts words, but the rest what Rihanna is singing comes very close to how I felt and how he must have felt. I'm talking about my first toxic relationship with a person that was obsessed with me from the moment he laid his eyes on me, and when they introduced him to me, I was hooked to him as well.
The night that we met, a friend of mine introduced to two guys with whom she attended the dance event that night. We all lived in the same city and she was my class mate, but we didn't have a free spot in the car so she eventually found two of her old class mates from years ago and attended the party with them. I never met them until that night. When she arrived, two guys greeted me. The first one being my current boyfriend (lol, it's true!) I did not pay more than 5 seconds of attention to him at the time though, but when the second guy greeted me, the world around me stopped existing. It was as if he cast a spell on me, not by his looks but there was something about him.
Funny thing is that a decade or so later, my current boyfriend told me that they both fell for me on the spot and he was sick that I chose his friend over him. I never knew this even though we have been in contact that year after we met and saw each other often at our home. I was so blinded by this other guy, I can't even understand why until this day, that I did not notice the rest of the world around me. It truly felt as if he cast a spell on me right in the middle of a dance event. Some would call it love at first sight, but I know now that this was the beginning of a very toxic relationship.
Unstoppable
As intense as the whole thing started, I was there with my boyfriend at the time, one of the best guys out there, so intense would it be within days after this moment I got hooked by him. I could only think about him that whole night, we were at one of the biggest dance events of the year and I was there to dance the night away, as I always did at these parties.
My boyfriend at the time later told me he saw it, everyone saw it, but he could not stop it, he knew right there that he lost me and he was right. I could only think about myself without taking into consideration the hurt I was causing him and his family (I lived at their house and they were good to me, I loved them dearly). I was a young and selfish girl that lived by the day from that day I met him. I could not oversee the consequences or even the possible consequences that this decision to follow him blindly would cause. I soon found out that it was a bad move as not long after I left my boyfriend for him, survival mode kicked in because the toxic behavior didn't take long to arrive.
Powerless without any dignity
I always find it hard to talk or write about this period in my life as it almost feels as if I'm talking about cheating. The feelings that pop up when I go through these moments of the healing process, are still so overwhelming that I can't find the words to explain it, even now, so many years later. Truth is, I felt love, I thought it was love at least, but it was an addiction, not only from my side, he felt the need for power, which I allowed him to have over me.
The things you can do to one's brain by gaining this power is something hard to describe and understand by those that never experienced it. The feeling that I let him do this to me can take over and make me feel so ashamed that I did not see what was happening. When offered helping hands, I did not accept the help to get me out of the situation. I did not even trust my gut feeling and best friend enough to see that they were right and I was slowly breaking. I could have been free from him before he broke me completely, yet, I chose him. Over and over again. After every beating, no matter how bruised and black and blue I saw, no matter how much blood poured out of my nose and no matter how out of balance I was, one apology and saying he'd never do it again and I was his again. That girl back then was powerless and eventually lost all dignity.
Just dance
People knew me as the one that said what was on her mind, I did not fear speaking up and I probably was a bit too direct for some people along the way, but that was me. What you saw was what you got, without filters. I never cared much for a lot of make up, I only used some eye shadow and mascara and from time to time lip gloss or later on lipstick. I never covered myself with layers of make up like many I knew did, I hated that stuff and just wanted to dance. I found my confidence at my very first night in a club where someone fed me a party tablet, a world opened and my confidence was born, at age 15. Since then I was someone else compared to the shy years before I entered the party phase in my life. I loved who I was and I loved partying 2, sometimes 3 nights a week.
The party animal was born
All went fine until I got cheated on by the guy that took me partying with his group of friends. I didn't want to let go of this lifestyle and found someone else that loved these party nights out. Even though he was super shy and definitely didn't have the dance moves I had, he was good to me and I loved him, a lot. He was there with me when my mother became openly manic-depressed and I could not handle being with her in the same house, so his parents took care of me and told me to stay as long as I needed and wanted. I was part of their family and I had everything my heart desired, or didn't I?
Pushing and pulling
The rebel inside started firing up when he always let me have everything I wanted. I never got a no from him, whatever I wanted. I started to pick fights for the make up sex after, spicing things up while all I should have done was talk. I was jealous and became insecure when I didn't join him for the nights he worked in the club, I didn't love the younger generation and their behavior so I started skipping these nights more often to only join him for the Sunday afterparties instead. After having a good sleep Saturday night first. We kept on going to big parties whenever it was festival season. I worked during the week and in the weekends we lived from party to party, the in between party moments were getting boring to me. The world was on our feet, we had the car of his parents to use whenever we wanted, yet I felt stuck and wanted more.
The one that got away
That night in July, when we were at the party of the year, was the moment that changed it all, the moment I forgot whatever I had and risked it all for him, the person that wanted me for his own pleasure only. I became the one that got away for the good guy, while I was taken by the psycho who traumatized me on a level that I will never be able to explain fully.
Before shit went down, I fell in love, I felt love, I truly did, I could not stop smiling, I saw life through pink glasses. To this day I can only explain it as a mental thing he did to me, I was not impressed by his looks or attitude, his eyes caught mine and he put a spell on me, that's the best I can explain it. It was as if someone hurts you and you say "that hurts" and instantly move on to the next moment without truly realizing what happened. The intensity of the things happening were too big to grasp my mind around and it was easier to just stay in survival mode and get through the day rather than think about it. It also helped that he fed me a lot of drugs at the time, he truly made sure that I could "forget" for a certain part of the day while also making me very vulnerable and locked away from my friends and family as of course, at some point I felt shame only. Not just for what he did to me, but also how I ignored all of them for so long as well as getting dragged into this shithole where nothing mattered anymore.
The year I was together with him felt like several years, especially considering that I only lived together with him for 6 months while the events that happened in these 6 months still feel they can only fit in a few years time. Even looking back now, I can see how this all was way too overwhelming for my younger self...
Thank you for reading part of my healing process, writing truly helps. If you were to recognize any of this behavior above while reading my post, please don't ignore the red flags and trust your gut feeling when it says this is not right. Break the cycle and believe me you will find a better life. If I could do it, so can you!
Lyrics "Love the way you lie" Eminem ft. Rihanna
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Well, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
Well, that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now, there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from her hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her, the more I suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me
And I love it, "Wait
Where you going?" "I'm leaving you"
"No you ain't, come back"
We're running right back, here we go again
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name, I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Well, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
Well, that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you, even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over, it controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her, next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Well, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
Well, that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
Then we fall back into the same patterns
Same routine, but your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me, when it comes to love, you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back, it wasn't you
Baby, it was me, maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Well, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
Well, that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I saw them perform that song. That, along with Monster and all the other ones they did together. At the Rose Bowl in California, about 6 or 7 years ago now.
Helluva show.
I believe you right away, these songs are awesome. Even though it brings back old memories in my case, they also help me heal so it seems. Monster is another killer! These two work well together making music..
I kinda try to stop myself before I get too deep into music stories cuz it sounds totally braggy and I don't mean to.
But I grew up in LA. There's music venues up and down all the busy streets. Live performances have to be on pint cuz there's another performer next door. So, seriously, we'd go see shows 7 days a week. Not sure how many 100's of performers I've seen. There's a point to this.
An Eminem show has more chicks than ANY EVENT EVER. I couldn't believe it. And they travel in groups of 20 or more.
That, and that's the only show I've been to where helicopters hover over the crowd all night. 2 of them. Never seen helicopters over a show like that.
Great show. Especially when he did that super fast rap part in Rap God.
LOL don't feel bothered, I love reading other people's stories. And I'm fully aware of the fact that LA has a totally different scene than us Europeans can imagine. Us Dutchies do have amazing dance events from different agencies I think though :) But yeah, the concerts that I attended are just peanuts compared to the big ones you probably been to..
Well I guess as a guy having all these chicks around, while enjoying an epic show is not the worst thing in the world, is it :)
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Wow, thank you for sharing your story, it truly touched me.
I know toxic relationships myself, they were not that physically violent though. It's amazing what we let others do to us sometimes.
It's very brave of you to go back to that time and examine it from where you stand now. That seems to be the only way to heal. It's a process that hurts but it's gonna be worth it.
Much love <3
When this song came out a few years ago, I think nobody actually understood the truthful meaning of it. Now, days gone by and we feel see it very different. Which is good, by the way.