How I react to technical difficulties..
You're now tuned in to my 366th post—welcome! Had I registered this account around this time last year, 366 would be right on schedule for someone who posts daily. I don't do that. Takes everything I got to release two a week, every ounce of soul in me goes into these. In September I'll have been here four years which makes 366 seem low.
Roughly 1,300 days ago I introduced myself here which means my current average is slightly above three articles per week. There was a time in 2019 when Pura and I were touring Central America where I released an article seven days straight in an attempt to earn @qurator 's Shining Qurite award. PS—I won that shit! Other than that, there may have been a week or two in the past 1,300 days where I shared more than two articles with you.
When I finish editing these things to death and I'm double/triple checking all my Tea's and Eye's, Bee's and Hive's, in anticipation of my nemesis Post Button, I'm prepared! I despise the edit button like pharmaceuticals unless we're in the comment section—totally different. "Edited" adjacent to the post title, in my opinion, is Proof Of Work I fucked up. I'm the worst mistake maker you've never met.
So when I work my ass off on content to release twice a week only to have my ass handed to me when the cover image doesn't show up I can hardly sleep plus a buncha other stuff I won't admit. I inserted one page divider to separate a pair of paragraphs before the cover in that post I just linked and apparently that's a BIG fuckin no-no!
Noted!
Pura said "just do another one." She's a lot more consoling than that, she knows how attached I am to this platform. Ed Privat, "you learned something didn't you? Now get over it." I don't even wanna look at that missing cover image so I'm doing what anyone else who pisses standing up would do—what my wife said.
Signs
I didn't even put that there, all I did was point and shoot. That's how easy Paradise Lawn and Tree Service made the cover image for me—thanks! They used tools to physically drive that Lawn and Tree Service advertisement into a gravel and asphalt driveway entrance to a concrete parking lot. The nearest property with grass and trees on it was a church on the opposite side of the road about five acres away.
This next one isn't anything other than acceptable and expected if you live in America. It wasn't until we lived abroad for two years I realized advertising is an American perversion—not like this anywhere else. One of the first things Pura and I would mention out loud to each other when we landed somewhere, anywhere—Greece, Jordan, Italy, anywhere except here: "Look, no billboards!"
Here in the United States, I get emails like the above advertisement regularly. We have spam and junk folders full of it but it doesn't stop there. Robots call our phones hourly with some bullshit sales pitch about save money on car insurance or your vehicle's extended warranty is expired. We have a plethora of attempted scammers, too, fake IRS agents, Nigerian Prince's, Apple Product Support, everyone you can think of.
I know this feeling.. I think it.. It feels like a rant
Exit a freeway in the United States and you'll be overwhelmed by 50 billboards with everything from free lap dances at the local gentleman's club to auto insurance savings, hotel deals, buy 1 get 1 lunch specials, attorney at law (shit ton of those!) all at the same exit.
We're constantly receiving phone calls, emails, text alerts (those are new), nothing's off-limits. Not a hotel or resort type getaway in this country isn't surrounded by LED illuminated billboards that electronically alter information every 30 seconds between multiple advertising agencies. Commercial ads on tell-a-vision, they're all over the radi-no, front counter in the medical orifice, waiting table at the mechanic shack: advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement.
Foreigners tuned in think I'm exaggerating and my fellow Americans are under the impression it's like that everywhere. Fun fact! I'm not.... It's not. That buy two pairs get one free sales pitch at Victoria's Secret doesn't extend beyond the Atlantic or Pacific Coast.
Those free Jalapeño Popper Chicken Sandwich ads are a dime a dozen. Free shake with any meal, upsize your meal for free, 5th pizza is free, yata yata. They spoon feed us ads from every direction all day every day. This is my long-winded way of asking: 'In all of those bajillion shit food advertisements you feed me day in - day out, how come I've never seen a free lettuce with the purchase of a tomato coupon?' Never seen a billboard that says 'free celery with every visit.' Free cheeseburger, check! Free donuts, King-Sized Snickers bars, 2 for 1 CocaCola and unlimited refills; check, check, check and check. Free carrots and a protein drink....
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This concludes the rant section of this article... probably
I saw that one and immediately thought about where I parked—in the shade. I didn't want to assume anything but I got the impression they wanted me to park on the grass—equally damaging. I had nowhere else to park, though, and it clearly states don't park under trees so I moved to an open area on the grass.
Dammit! Now I'm convinced they want a bunch of moving vehicles at Lakeshore Park. There was open fields, basketball courts, walking trails and everything else family related at Lakeshore Park but no parking. So I drove around on the grass for an hour and a half.
That's a trash dumpster, see how big the thing is? It takes up a whole parking space at the gas station and stands about six feet tall—can't miss it. Kawasaki green is captivating even if for only a few seconds.
That's how big the side window is. The dumpster's so big there's a 12 foot long picnic table sticking out of it and the semi truck used to transport the thing is required to stop at weigh stations in order to travel on public roadways. All that and Kawasaki green too.
Almost!
"Field Closed Due To Maintennace"
Thanks! I hardly noticed
Last month Pura and I went to North Carolina—different world over there. Covid has us pretty confused in the states, there's different laws and regulatory requirements depending what street corner you stand on. In California, for example, you can't even use a public toilet to wash your hands, that state's closed. I'm not even sure they're allowing humans to cross the state line yet. Business as usual here in Tennessee. Everything's wide open; amusement parks, gyms, restaurants, salons—wide open. This next one's a Wednesday night at an Italian joint in Knoxville.
40 minute wait
And that's the parking lot on a Wednesday night—business as usual. In North Carolina, not so much! Tattoo joints, hair salons, hardware stores, they're all closed. We couldn't even enter a convenience market without getting our temperature checked and sterilizing our hands with whatever's in the bottle they insisted we lather our hands with. Everything's kinda Willy Wonky over there.
They're flying flags upside down, protesting on street corners, small businesses are closed for good—different world. I haven't seen it like that anywhere else and we've driven coast to coast from Florida to California and back since returning to the states in August.
When we got there we couldn't help but notice we were the only ones without facial disguises. We already look California which is instant celebrity status abroad but in this country, the USA, unless you're physically in California, don't admit anything! 49 out of 50 states hate Californian's and they're not shy about it. I watched a lady freak out in the market the other day over strawberries—California grown: "I ain't eatin these fuckin strawberries!! I hope they rot in hell!" (at the top of her lungs) Being the conforming humans we're strategically bred to be, we complied like all the other oxygen breathers by restricting our natural air intake with a germ saturated surgical mask and it had nothing to do with this:
It's the law in North Carolina, Executive Order #147. We didn't recognize our criminal behavior until we stopped for a cup of coffee. I don't know the progression of fines and penalties related to the new Executive Order but it means you'll go to jail in North Carolina if you're unmasked and you don't even have to be black.
Speaking of can't fly under the radar. I saw this dude when we were in England—wasn't worried about me at all. All signs here lead to one Love.
Peaceful
They're real P/C in England—real P/C! Stay with me, Brits, I swear this'll end in your favoUr. You can't even flip someone off in England, they can fine and/or arrest you for airing out a middle finger. If you do 🖕🏽 that and say "Fuck You" at the same time in England, you will get arrested—insinuating a riot.
Take for example Black Lives Matter. Here in the states, it's not only common but absolutely expected to read a plethora of derogatory signs complete with uncensored curse words like these—some cleaner than others.
In England, not so much. There was a Black Lives Matter protest on the corner of Water Road in Todmorden, about 100 yards from our kitchen window. I went down there.
"CAREFUL NOW Down With This Sort Of Thing"
Not to mention the protest was in Northern England where I didn't see one black person one time during our seven month lockdown. That's one way to guarantee a peaceful protest I guess—buncha white people yellin "Black Lives Matter" at a buncha white people.
Relax, I'm white, that makes it ok
Anyone tuned into this can go to England if/when flight schedules return and feel welcome as soon as you step foot on English territory. Those Brits will welcome you with open arms. They'll take you to and from the bus station, take you out to dinner and refuse to let you pay the tab. They're inviting you to their house, inviting you to stay the weekend while handing you a set of keys, preparing home cooked meals—open door policy in England. Los Angeles.. Laugh Out Loud, that's funny!
Fun fact: Back home they'll jack everything in the house at gun point at 11 o'clock in the morning while the stolen moving van's double parked in your front yard. Ask someone for directions in LA, you better have your head on a swivel. Sudden stops like asking someone for directions, you're a sitting duck. Speaking of Fun Facts.
Weak! One Covid'll kick all their asses
Interesting, I just rolled some Kush on the same paper—Happy Independence Day!
Don'ut trip, Aitocrrwrect can Bee a reel dick sumtimez
I gotta be close to my time limit now, another 2,000 words, that's a lot of signs. I'll go check real quick. You won't notice I'm gone but I am leaving—be right back.
:interlude:
Looks like I got two more. Sorry England, there's another one in your back yard. I didn't plan on emphasizing how P/C you guys are but, "if I'm being honest," you make it easy. The only country I'm aware of on planet earth with Politically Correct personal transportation.
As ridiculous as that parking lot sign is, I'd still adhere to it before I considered giving this next one a fraction of my attention.
That last one's not a sign, it's an Elk. A really, really big and massive, multiple antler having Elk that got really close to me so I took a picture—cheese!
Shout out to Tesla and the questionable collection of signs featured in the following music video, 'thanks for the title!'. Tesla, they're a band, not the one in Silicon Valley who has his nuts dangling on everyones chin.
I’ve churned out some shit every day for the past 2 months almost. It’s a weird feeling! I don’t know how long I will keep it up lol
Ah I’m looking forward to getting away from all of these mask zealots. They stay so obsessed over the fear porn it’s like they don’t want to give it up.
Some awesome signs, I guess you should still be driving around that grass since you can’t park on the grass, can’t park under the tree. Maybe they would let you park in a river! The elk could save you from that one. Just careful of the poking.
Hey what's up @cmplxty? Good morning, thanks for checkin this one out. I can't believe how easy they make it on me. Check out this one I got yesterday, watch, I don't have to say anything descriptive about it or nothin:
Self Explanatory
The grass was a mud field, all hibernating and rained/snowed on. The Subaru's all wheel drive, too bad for them. I didn't see any signs about two-wheel drive only. 🤔 So I punched it!
Those must be some awfully compact cars fitting two cars among those signs, very good job on them for figuring the secret to doing that out! Lol
To boot, is that a port-a-potty right there on the left as well? Would make it even more marvelous!
Sure is. That's a mini blue lagoon right there.
Fck sgns
I can feel it all the way over here @joshman. Thank you.
Fick sugns.
I felt Joshman's more than yours but it doesn't mean you've gone unnoticed.
Fck sgns... just send me MONEY...😎
Boom he's back, Fuck that post picture. Gotta agree with you on the brits, I married one! They were all really welcoming and it wasn't until I spent time in London I learned being called a Cunt could be a term of endearment.
I've always had a thing for stealing err... borrowing, odd or funny signs.... its my one Clepto urge. I keep a Flathead and 10mm nut driver on me at all times in Europe.
As always Ace Post.
I appreciate you keeping an eye on me. I'm from LA where the dirt was wide open as a kid. The older we got, the more fences they put up and we couldn't get around as easily on our dirt bikes. I didn't carry a 10mm but I carried dikes and side cutters and.... probably cut a shit ton of fences.
Dike and cunt are two different things. I knew that before I got married, by the way, my wife is also British. Hey dude, check it out.. cunt cunt cunt cunt.. but you'll never hear me say the B word. Cunt is just that thing I'm addicted to. Dang, this paragraph is gonna go over horribly if someone reads it who's never consumed my content.
Thanks, Cunt!! 💖
You say the sweetest things, I Avoid the 5 Letter B Word, but I'm fond of the other one, you little B****** was essentially my nickname growing up. Also because my moms sperm donor was a complete Cunt (Not the good kind) I prefer it haha.
I edited this to say 'thanks for the reblog!'
There's another similarity. I've never met the dude who donated to my existence. The fuckin piece of shit.
That was a fun read! When you told me you were making a sign post, I was like "here is his downfall" and here we go, you did it again (I actually thought you meant "signs of the universe").
I gotta be pretty backed up in debt by now. How much do I owe you for all the nice things you say to me? You got any finance packages? I'm in the states and they do every.fuckin.thing on credit over here, even phones!! I got a few ads in my email to compare pricing and, what I'm tryin to say is, I've never once gone to the low bid tattoo joint so go ahead and name your price.
Really appreciate it @edprivat, thanks man! See you on WhatsApp!
Dowfle, dunfield, downhigh, hill... yeah I can't even spLeL it.
OMG, that was one of your funniest to date. I read it out loud with the sweed sitting next to me and I had to stop several times to just catch my breathe, I was laughing so hard. When the hubby and I get on a laughing roll, it's over. I have to walk away from him to calm myself down.😂🤣
The cover page, I didn't get it at first, I was just looking at the sign, then Bob pointed out the ground around the sign and I lost it. No parking at the park, say what?
Really @dandays that was a good one. See, it worked out that the cover page didn't show in the last one, look at the masterpiece you created from that screw up.
Thanks for the giggles!!
That's the second time you've read a comedy piece out loud to him and the first one was the kindest compliment. Comedy is the toughest for me, I'm a nervous mess cuz I'm always 'I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this is funny.' Another one out loud—even cooler than the first.
The cover image sign, you didn't get it?!? Oh crap! That's even funnier than the sign itself. Sure am glad you shared that with me, that's hilarious.
My pleasure @farm-mom, make you laugh was what it's all about, I'm glad it worked.
Love to laugh, it's very healthy to laugh, did you know that?
I'm only "in the best shape of my life," does that count?
I chuckle out loud every time I pass an outdoor advertisement warning against cell phone usage and distracted driving.
No problem with looking away from the highway as my 80,000 lbs of steel and rubber hurtles rapidly thru space and time... To read their billboard hypocrisy.
But do not even glance at that hands free communication device attached to your dashboard or we will not only fine you $11k but also the company you drive or lease to... $11 frikkin THOUSAND DOLLARS mister commercial driver... 4 wheelers, ehhh... couple $$ hundo is enough.
Now I gotta go mail in my ballots. I got a shit ton of mail in ballots left to get to the USPS.
They still accepting them right..?
Twisted Upside Down Clown World we are living in here on the 3rd Rock Bro.!!
I never even thought about it like that. Distracted driving.. good one!
I just shot you a random message of kindness so I might be all outta nice shit to say, bare with me.....
............. 🤔
Yeah I'm totally out!
Mail in ballots. I'm not sure, I've never seen one. I've never been summonsed to jury duty or anything like that, either. Figure if voting counted it'd be illegal anyway. The funniest thing is people actually fall in love with that ballot based solely on a slight variation in consonants. weiRD
!BEER
for you
Down the hatch @eii!
!WINE
for you
Thanks @knottydaddy!
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Where did you park in that park? Never heard of tree roots being damaged by a car driving on it, some CRAZY person in parks dept must have thumb-sucked those signs or thought they were being funny!
I can see why some people run away from society and go live in the woods!
Well if it isn't my favoUrite chef from SA! We didn't have a car when we there so I guess we avoided that one. Whew!
I was thinking the same thing about those roots, I've never heard that before. I looked around at the paved walkways and driveways and wonder why that doesn't hurt the roots then.... 🤔 Shoulda went to school longer I guess.
That's the only reason for running to the woods, though! It's a great reason, to get away, probably even the best. Know what we figured out quickly @lizelle? We need to be closer to the sea. If planes aren't in the air by this summer, we're at least gonna get over to one of the coasts.
💖 Lizelle! Thanks for checkin this one out.
Running to the ocean certainly beats running to the woods in my book at least, you simply have to do that come summertime;)