Life in the wilderness...

I was at AutoZone the other day, as most diy folks will be at one time or another, and had to resist the urge to take a photo af a stranger.

Since none of you really know me, many of you are probably thinking 'That perv saw some scantily dressed girl in the warm weather and was going to take her picture!' Sadly, this was not the case.

Let me start by saying that I don't believe in taking pictures of strangers without their permission, and I don't do that. I don't want to start arguing with myself about right and wrong (I need some sleep tonight), so I won't get into the why. For the purpose of this narrative, this whole paragraph was completely irrelevant.

What I saw was one of those white trash nightmares (not that there's anything wrong with that) that makes EVERYBODY cringe, and I wanted to take a picture because, well, you don't see these kinds of specimens in the wild too often.

He was a short guy, stocky but not really fat, haircut that might have been a mullet before the COVID lock-up, and a baseball cap with an embroidered police badge on it. He was wearing jean shorts, with the waist below his ass (pull up yer fuckin' pants, bud) hip-hop saggy pants style. This is also called 'jailhouse bitch' style in some circles. To keep the pants from falling all the way, they were cleverly held in place with belt made from an old GM seat belt, the old square GM latch was the belt buckle. In case this outfit didn't give you enough warning about who you were dealing with, the belt was embroidered with the words FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK... you get the picture.

Does anybody want to guess what kind of shirt he was wearing?

I still can't stop thinking about that belt. Did he make it himself? Did he order it on Etsy? Did he steal it from some girl at Sturgis? Then I go back to the hat. Police badge? My final conclusion is that he must have won a sizeable wrongful imprisonment settlement. Who the hell still sags their pants, anyway?

Naturally, I had a lot of questions. I didn't go out mentally prepared for socializing that day, so I was having a hard time thinking of ways to tactfully ask 'Excuse me, sir? What in the actual fuck?' I'm too old to get in unnecessary fights anymore, and this seemed like the kind of person where 'hello' might jump quickly to fisticuffs. I left well enough alone, but I'm still not sure I made the right decision. I mean, what in the actual fuck?

I was still mulling over that a day later, when I had to help my stepmom get her last load of coal stacked in the basement. On the way, I had to stop for gas, and was fortunate enough to spot the little gem you see below. If you're reading this on a small screen and have eyes like mine, the sign says

SOUP OF THE DAY
COLD BEER

20210402_104544.jpg

Now, I believe they meant to say that they offer both a soup of the day, AND cold beer. However, you have to remember that the customer base out here is largely guys like our acquaintance from AutoZone, and the girls who date them.

If I sound like I'm talking down about saggy pants guy, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not on any kind of high horse. But just to make sure I didn't get the idea that this area isn't exactly where I belong, karma threw in a nice humbling curveball.

All right, I'll admit, I felt a little superior to saggy pants. I mean, what in the actual FUCK? And where did he get that belt? I thought I did right by biting my tongue. I thought I was being a good son helping my stoner stepmom with her coal. I didn't police my thoughts, though, and the universe heard me. What did I get for biting my tongue and doing my chores? A tick on my testicles.

Yeah, you read that right. I came home after lugging 62 bags of coal into a basement, still wondering what the hell was up with that guy, thinking a nice relaxing bowel movement would help clear my thoughts (and such) before finally getting to work on my own household chores, and, well, you read that right.

A tick. On my testicles.

Did you ever see the movie 'Stand By Me', based on the short story 'The Body'? In it, there is a scene where young Wil Wheaton's character discovers a leech on his genitalia. I've pulled several ticks off myself over the years, but I never had to have that scene in my head while doing it before.

Maybe it was just the universe trying to help me out, by distracting me from wondering what the hell was going on with saggy pants guy. That seems like the kind of favor the universe would do for me, and then say 'You owe me one.' It did distract me, for a while. Just a little while.

I probably would have rather gotten in the fist fight (I hope that's all it would have been) than a tick on the balls, but the world seldom lays out all of our options on a plate for us to choose from. I definitely would have rather let my stepmom's coal get wet than get a tick on the balls, and that would have been an actual trade, because I almost definitely got the tick in her yard. I've been telling her to get chickens for years, because she has a bit of a tick problem.

The moral of the story is: Be prepared for anything, and keep a sense of humor about life, becase even when you think you're doing everything right, the world might have a 'bro' moment and tick you in the nuts.

Sort:  

There seems to be some funny business ongoing with your chicken. Do you let the chickens pick on the tick, straight on the balls?

LOL, no! I don't know if you've ever watched a chicken eat, but they are vicious little raptors. Anything remotely resembling a worm or snake gets immediately torn to pieces and eaten. I don't know for sure that they'd treat a dick the same way, but I'd bet $20 that they won't quit trying to pick pubic hairs, and I have no interest in being the test subject to find out either.

No, I pick my own ticks when I find them on me. My chickens get enough free-range time to pick all the ticks off my property, so I don't get any on me when I'm just working at home. I do occasionally pick one up at a job site, or when I go visiting.

My dog apparently likes them. If I don't give him flea and tick treatment, he'll spend all day out in the woods and come home with dozens of them. If I give him a preventive treatment or collar, he'll stay in the yard until it wears off, then go out in the woods and get ticks until I give him a new treatment.

It was a joke of course, thanks for taking the time to answer I had a good laugh... 😁 My chickens are also vicious like raptors...

Did you try that treatment that last 1 month for the dogs? It's a drop you release on their neck... It ain't cheap...

That's the treatment I've been using recently, I found one that isn't too horribly priced, and the treatments last closer to two months.

Nice, I will probably do the same for my balls. 🤣

😂😂😂

 3 years ago  

I've seen those belts at swap meets and carnivals. I never considering getting one cuz I always thought they were lame.

I often wonder about the EU pants style too. It's an EU thing, I didn't know dudes wore their little sisters pants til we were in the UK. See how tight them fuckin pants are?! Of course they have to sag'em, without doing do, the tick will never make it to their nuts.

A tick dude?! Really??? Man it takes a big set to even admit that one. I'm a Ca boy, a city boy at that, the worst thing I've had happen outdoors is probably a sunburn. But once you get a couple, you learn how to avoid them.

Altercation. The big knuckle where my index finger meets my hand on my right hand which, by the way, I'm fuckin right handed!! I swear it took two years before I could use that finger normal again. And it'll never be the same. I hate throwin hands dude.

Swap meet or carnival seems like a good answer to that question, the context just screams carnival. Or swap meet.

Yeah, really. Not my first tick, but humpin' hey-zeus Crisco, nothing in life had really prepared me for that. I got my chickens years ago, mainly to clean up the tick problem at my house. That might be a new rule for me going forward... no chickens, no handyman.

My hands are still pretty rugged, but it's been a LONG time since anybody hit me, and I'm not sure I can still take a punch. I didn't want to find out with a guy who looked like he takes pictures of himself tea-bagging his passed-out friends. Still, if it would have avoided that tick on MY nuts, I could have stayed blissfully unaware of whatever happened to me after I got knocked out :D

 3 years ago  

I'm back.

No chickens no handyman, noted. Eh, don't tell anyone I asked you this, it's just us here, right? Are ticks "everywhere?" I never even seen a crisco (whatever you called it) tic. Or tick.

Teabags his buddies. I'm not sure you're aware or not but that was an A+ description! Yeah that's a dude to ignore until he's gone for sure.

I remember leaving my aunts shop once (she owned the dirt bike shop) and the dude who crossed in front of my truck at the entrance drive way made eye contact with me. FUCK YOU <-- big ass letters right across his forehead.

Ticks are fairly worldwide, but in most areas they're not a problem you would have to worry about. Over the last decade or so, my little corner of NY has become positively infested with them. My biggest worry is Lyme's disease, which they spread. My second biggest worry is that ingesting my blood may give the ticks my powers, and that's the kind of problem I'm definitely NOT prepared to deal with.

 3 years ago  

Crisco the vegetable shortening that shortens the lifespan of your heart but makes a wonderfully smooth surface if you're looking for smoothing stuff! Lol. I hate ticks, be careful of them in Tennessee but I don't know if you're crawling around in woods so you might be good on that front.

 3 years ago  

Are they specific in color?? I'm out there on singletracks regularly. Should I be looking and feeling for new mole type things? Ya'all kinda got me trippin now. Do they move or something? What color are they?

 3 years ago (edited) 

Brown little fuckers mostly. You should be fine most times but they tend to drop from trees or are in grass waiting to latch onto your shoes or pants.
https://nerp.ornl.gov/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Ticks.pdf

They are like mosquitoes I think and gravitate towards carbon dioxide emitting things. Good thing is they hate lemongrass essential oil so I need to make a tea tree and lemon grass mixture to spray on our shoes.

 3 years ago  

Ok well thanks for ganging up on me and really freakin me the fuck out with a novel length wiki link I'm supposed to skim and find the answer I'm looking for.

Damn you guys!

Can you feel'em? I mean are you gonna know what it is when you feel it or see it?

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 3 years ago  

Check out this new kind we have in Germany, freaking fast motherfucker and double size of the local ticks.

Yeah you got some balls revealing your dirty little tick secret lol.

Got a laugh out of your story though, but you do have my sympathy ;)

Sweet weeping jeezus, I'm glad it wasn't one of those things! Thanks for the nightmares, though! 😂

 3 years ago  

Lol, you're welcome.

They have been seen here since 2 years and unlike the small local ones that are kinda waiting for their prey this one is actively hunting.

I hope I never come across one of those mofos, you would hear me scream on your side of the world lol.

 3 years ago  

Shit that thing is a fucking steroid jacked up nightmare!

 3 years ago  

Sure is lol

I feel itchy now

 3 years ago  

That’s an awesome find with the stocky dude. It reminds me of my uncle hahaha. He’s a bit of a tool like that and would definitely make you throw down some fists if you ever say something to him about a belt he owns. It’s short guy syndrome I think.

Well shit, tick to the balls. That’s definitely some awful shit and a challenging spot to get the little buggers. You’re lucky you saw the thing, that’s not a spot I would normally suspect the bastards to be but I have a new personal hatred of them. I think I’ve got Lyme. Had a negative blood test but my symptoms are all Lyme. I’m reading that I can get rid of it through 6-12 months of dedication to a strict diet and stuff but it sucks that I’ve got it in the first place. The biggest kick in the balls is that Lyme is a confirmed fucked up experiment by the government here in the ol’ U S of A. Bastards..