Hello Everyone!
Hiking for peace of mind, Full throttle communication, Finding others, Packing it all down & Yup it is time to start over again!
It is much later in the day than when I usually start these entries but hey trying new things is not always all that bad of an idea. I am a bit tired and feeling slightly overwhelmed so who knows just how much I will get spelled out here.
Overall, it was a pretty good day because I got a bunch of chores done before it got super hot outside and then later in the day it got overcast enough that I could go for a hike without it being a miserable affair. I have still been sticking to the roads (and occasionally the trails) while I am hiking because of the ticks so it was not a super long hike but I sure enjoyed it.
The one area that I really gave a good looking over was the meadow and although it looked quite dry... the vegetation growing there is still looking rather lush. Admittedly I was surprised to see that (given how intense the heat has been) but I guess the rain that we have gotten over the last few days has been just enough that it does not all evaporate before it can get sucked up by the plants.
Well, I never added anything else to this the other day and then yesterday I did not do any writing at all. Even now just spelling out that sentence took way longer than it should have but maybe now that my espresso is done brewing I can really dive in here... or that is the plan at least!
Recently finding the motivation to work on these entries has been incredibly difficult and that is mainly because I have been grappling not just with what to say about my current scenario but how to say it. I know that sounds like an uncommon occurrence for me and to be blunt... it is... I dislike it and when it comes right down to it... I just want to pour it all out and be done with it.
I guess that my restraint in that regard is telling in and of itself that what I have been dealing with is something (or many somethings) that are quite heavy and honestly I have found myself talking to folks instead of writing. To be clear that alone is super weird because I went from briefly talking to my closest friend once or twice a year to now having talked to them for hours on end (who knows how many times) over the course of the last week.
The other odd behavior that I have been engaging in is kind of two-fold because I have found myself considering joining a community and due to that I have spent some time talking to a total stranger who is starting a community. Doing so I have had to overcome my caginess a bit (okay a hell of a lot) and reveal a lot more about my life than I am generally comfortable sharing with either my friends or even my family members.
Being a thoroughly 'guarded person' I must admit that second thing has been both rough and liberating for my psyche but overall the person's own personality and demeanor made me go from 'do I even want to know this person' (which is just my general response to new people) to: Wow I am absolutely frigging blessed to have met this person!
To be clear here I was inquiring about joining said community and they were 'inquiring' about me potentially joining it but I reached a point in one of our conversations where I just stopped the discussion and put it rather bluntly that: No matter how this (the community joining thing) worked out I felt like I had met a lifelong friend.
Of course time will tell in that regard but for anyone who knows me they know that I would never say anything like that lightly. Personally, I think that it blatantly speaks to the 'depth' of how incredible I found their character, wit and ability/willingness to communicate.
In short as different as our lives seem to have been we have somehow stumbled upon very similar conclusions, adopted similar coping strategies and have more or less the same idea of how to 'ride out' the times ahead. Believe me I am not-so-much into 'tooting other folk's horn' (or even my own for that matter) but I think that it is all worth mentioning due to how profound of an effect our communication has had upon me thus far.
To sum my sentiment about all that up. I felt slightly less 'unique' in the world, less 'alone' and that yes their are other folks in the world trying to do what they can to make both their own and other folks' lives better without greed, 'power over others' or neediness for attention at the heart of it. I am probably just muddying the waters with all that but hopefully yal know what I mean there!
Anyway, I have been trying to figure out how to spell out what has been going on for me and how to explain my current scenario without bashing anyone (including myself) along the way or coming off like I am half-crazed or unhinged but there is just no good way to do it. Hence all my hemming and hawing over the matter lately.
All I can really say is that the stress, anxiety and potential for strife that I have been feeling is absolutely rooted in other folks' challenges and whether I like it or not, whether it will massively inconvenience my life or not... I am well beyond my capabilities of stomaching any more of it.
Believe me I know how that sounds but when it comes down to it I cannot (nor do I have the desire to) force other people to address their own problems if they have no desire to do so. I guess that it comes down to 'personal choice' in that regard and to be blunt if I wanted to be a couple's counselor or a therapist... that is the path I would have chosen in life instead of the one that I have chosen.
For my part I have held up rather well to it all but of late I hit a tipping point and have more or less decided that no matter the choices of others I have to take care of my own mental well-being. Regardless of anything else I just cannot backslide in that department and undermine the lifetime of work that I have put into getting myself to where I currently am (both mentally and emotionally) and of course I should not... so go figure!
Obviously, I am glossing over the details in an effort to respect the privacy of others and even saying what I have will probably come back to bite me in the ass but I am a firm believer in 'telling your own truth' and consequences be damned. It is after all my life, my story and my perceptions and I am well 'within my rights' (as I see them) to tell it as I wish without fear of retribution, rebuke or retaliation.
In all sincerity I just do not want conflict, instability or chaos in my life and that I even felt that I needed to include the last sentence of the previous paragraph should be rather revealing in and of itself. All told though, I have navigated the scenario well enough and kept my cool and yup I plan to continue to do so (probably to the great chagrin of others) until I can manage to fully extract myself from the situation that I find myself in.
The silver lining to all that is... although it is a total shitshow... it is alas not 'my shitshow' and I have courteously declined to participate in it by making the choices that I have been making. Which basically amounts to holding onto my precious inner peace at all cost and treating it with the brevity it deserves along the way.
With all that in mind I have been slowly cleaning things up and packing things down over the last week. Since I am perhaps going to be heading back to colder climates the first major thing that I have tackled has been my cold weather gear which is something that I have not needed at all at my current location.
I was rather bummed to find much of it had molded where I had it stored in the attic of the cabin and spent much of my time yesterday washing it all by hand and getting it hung out to dry on the dog yard fence. Hopefully my tactic of washing it in bleach water and putting it in direct sun works and the heat and humidity does not cause the opposite (of what I want) to happen!
So much of my gear has really taken a beating on this adventure due to inadequate storage (and the rodent problem around here) but at least I had the wisdom to put my most important stuff in the attic. Of course even then the mold frigging got to it but at least I caught it in time to do something about it.
As for the rest of my gear (the stuff not in the cabin) I have a sinking feeling that much of it will be winding up in a landfill due to the extensive damage done to it by the critters. Honestly, it is one of those things that might be a blessing in disguise because the places that I am looking into are rather far away (and out of the southeast region entirely) so a lighter load would actually make the journey less expensive.
Not that I like the idea of good gear going to waste but I have just taken so many damn losses in this and the last several scenarios that a few more assuredly will not kill me and although yeah I will probably regret not having the stuff... it is 'just stuff' and I can always replace it if I absolutely have to. As frustrating as all that is all I can really say is the importance of adequate storage is vital!
I am not at all looking forward to sorting through all my gear during the hottest part of the year, especially since I was planning on working on dream-catchers for the rest of the summer but like that old adage goes: Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first!
Seriously though, I am also out of shape for all that activity and as I often do during my downtime I have not really been putting a lot of calories in me because surprise surprise it is just cheaper not to eat that much when I do not have to. Also the insane price of goods has played its part and I have tightened my proverbial 'belt' way tighter than I usually do.
My strategy thus far has been to not wear myself out in one go at things and pace myself in small bursts when it is either cloudy, there is a strong cooling breeze and/or just doing things very early in the morning or very late in the day. Of course there are strategic challenges as well because I absolutely need much of my gear to be left unpacked since I need it to live the way that I do from day to day.
In the less-than-grand scheme of things my approach so far has been to start with the stuff that I do not absolutely need left unpacked like my winter clothes and what remains of my actual camping gear. I know there will come a time when all of that kind of stuff will be sorted and I will have to start on the rest of it and that is when things will start to get really tricky.
I should probably gloss over the fact that I threw away most of my containers (they were toast anyway) and unpacked, and settled into the place way more than I normally do because I thought I would be here long-term. That being the case I really do not have any idea how I will manage because even if I got a bunch of cardboard boxes to put things in I have nowhere to store them where they will not also get ruined (or infiltrated by rodents) before I can get moved!
As much as all the logistical stuff is a mess it is just one mess within many others because I lack the funds to move, have no place to go thus far and would of course be looking at having to deal with all the stress that moving and starting over entails. Oddly none of those factors alone are all that daunting (or things that I have not faced before) but this time it is admittedly extremely overwhelming especially between all the inflation and the price of fuel.
Alright, it is another morning here and I am slowly getting my brain to wake up all the way as I sip my espresso and think my ponderous thoughts. It is not exactly that I am mulling things over but that I am letting said thoughts meander their way beneath the gaze of my mind's eye without me getting stuck on any of them.
Of course there is a river of said thoughts and all I am really doing is trying my utmost not to get swept away by them. Assuredly, there is some 'wisdom' to this strategy because I am basically doing my utmost to avoid said thoughts leading me into one emotional state or another.
I guess that is all what I need to be doing currently because yeah I have obviously been feeling some turmoil over having to uproot my life again and regardless of how things have turned out... I just do not have time to get all that hung up on it... play the blame game... or harbor bad feelings! In other words I can (and must) acknowledge my back-trail whilst keeping my eyes firmly on the 'trail' and journey ahead.
The hard truth that I have had to swallow is that perhaps I have just been going about my life in such a way that will never actually yield the results that I am looking for. Which yeah seems kind of complicated but basically boils down to a conflict between my desire to help others fulfill their dreams and somehow have my own fulfilled along the way.
To be blunt holding onto trust in others takes a commitment and a willingness to work through difficult scenarios instead of being reactionary, obstinate and confrontational. In short 'giving up' on others seems to be something that more folks (including myself) should do less of as long as it does not compromise anyone's values, integrity or principles along the way.
I know all that sounds pretty vague and perhaps 'cryptic' but hey my little brain has been jumping through a heck of a lot of hoops of late and taken so many leaps of faith that I am unsure if I have ever actually landed anywhere or if I just keep leaping! One thing is for sure though... and that is... no matter what I have yet to actually give up on myself or the pursuit of my dreams.
Anyway, late in the day yesterday a big storm rolled in and all that laundry that I recently washed got drenched (right when it was almost dry) and considering the humidity I may wind up with much of it mildewing. Obviously that is problematic especially since their is more rain on the way so the solution that I keep considering is fashioning an actual clothesline in a sunnier area.
Okay, it is much later in the day now and I am much more awake than I was earlier. I have spent the majority of my time today washing more clothes, shuffling my laundry around on the dog yard fence (into sunnier areas) and doing a bunch of odds and ends around the place in an effort to get 'that much closer' to being packed down.
Amazingly, I have finally gotten all my cold weather clothes washed and hung up to dry and yup I even made some clotheslines to do it on. So as long as it does not rain again I should be able to get them packed away again by the end of the day... granted that they actually dry out fully! Which they should do given how hot it is today and that there has been a rather steady breeze ever since early this morning when I first awoke.
Well, I guess that I should get on with wrapping this up and not keep adding to it because it seems like I have at least covered the significant things and do not want to get 'lost in the frigging weeds' so to speak! Honestly, sometimes these entries seem a bit too long-winded even for me.
Something that I would like to clearly express is that although I am faced with moving it is not like the folks here intentionally sought to screw me over or anything. Things being 'what they are' is more a direct response of the harsh economic times (and the pressure it is putting on folks) and although in my not-so-humble opinion they could have handled it differently... we all make our own choices in life!
I seriously doubt that the majority of folks can or will respond well under such extreme pressure so yeah no judgment there! Furthermore I sincerely hope that folks dial their compassion for both themselves and others up to 'full volume' (or beyond) so that we all stand a better chance at surviving not just the current times but also the times ahead.
One way or another that is my strategy at least and I would be hard-pressed to change my mind on that front at this stage of things regardless of the circumstances that I might find myself in. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.
Whoa! This was a rough one to spell out but... such is life!
https://peakd.com/c/hive-114308/created
I find myself in a similar experience in my life now as well. I feel like I'm at ground zero of my life. I have to recreate myself and everything in my life. I have to move by the end of the month, and there much to do, however, I'm also struggling with a deeply broken heart with the end of a very significant relationship, so it's many times more challenging than at any other point in my life, though some times and events come close.
Thank you for sharing so much here. I really appreciated reading this post. I wish uou an easeful and elegant transition. 🙏 💚
You are quite welcome @tydynrain! My best advice is to: Just keep moving forward!
Having been in a situation where I was dealing with intense heartache, lost many of my possessions and had to abruptly move (and start over) I must say that it eventually gets easier.
Please be easy on yourself and I hope you find a path which leads you to where you can find what brings you peace.
Kindest regards.
Thank you for yoir kind words brother. I truly deeply appreciate it. Yes, I'll get through this. It's just a big one. 🙏 💚
Always is! 🤠
I'll keep my fingers crossed for your upcoming move and am looking forward to reading your near future entries...
Much appreciated.
I have a feeling the 'near future entries' will be lots of: I cleaned this... I packed that... I threw this away but kept that... and so forth and so on!
Looking back over my previous moves that seems to be my pattern!
Cheers!
I enjoy reading this entries, although I was about to advise you to post in homesteading that later I notice you're an admin there. I've never seen a kudzu before and are they edible? how would they taste?
Ah yeah, you are not the first to mention posting them in the Homesteading Community! I am actually the founder of that Community and have always felt I would be spamming it by posting in it. I mainly like keeping my entries in my personal blog and doubt that will change.
Kudzu takes a lot of processing to make it into a suitable (tasty) food source but the leaves are edible (even unprocessed) as well as its root which is much like a giant yam.
I see! that's interesting. It's my first time seeing kudzu as well. Also just realized we exchanged a few conversation over discord haha. I must have mistaken you with another Jacob that I only read on hive 😅
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