It's been quite the two+ years since being drawn to Christ by God.
As many of us have been Mockingbirded into believing by media of all genres, I am not better than anyone else because the Lord has me. My intentions have been what they have always been, even before finding Christ: To tell the ugly truth. And if it wasn't ugly then I wouldn't need Him. And boy, do I need Him.
You don't become 'perfect.' If anything at all, you realize how disgustingly filthy you are. Remorse becomes a big, blaring mark upon you when 'B.C.' it was something that pertained to serial killers or thieves that had turned their lives around after spending time in prison. Remorse? Guilt? I told my Mom once 'Guilt doesn't work on me.' And at the time I was telling the truth. Thing about finding Jesus is suddenly He starts giving you Wisdom. And those blind eyes he opened can now See. Sow they dew. Doe see doe.
It took me and in some ways is still taking me, YEARS to figure out how to unblock Holy Spirit. When @mikemullens spoke to me about Holy Spirit I had a really hard time understanding it. Sure, I'd seen breathtaking sunsets, beheld amazing miracles in real time and been highly aware of my ever-present gratefulness for life and all of the 'little things' I thought others ignored or worse, never even noticed.
And yes, Holy Spirit can and will be blocked. Sure, I'll turn off my TV while Mike's here and as he walked out the door I'd be knee-deep again in Real Housewives reruns. Blaring Aretha Franklin. Posting on Lifelog. Skimming through Instagram. Liking & Sharing & Commenting & Upvoting. Yeah, I love the Bible, I'll get to it. Yeah, the Dig. Whatever that is. It'll happen. But I gotta know what Kyle says at the Dinner from Hell after it uploads to Amazon this Thursday morning! Did Brandi really just slap Lisa Vanderpump???
Jesus sighed. He loves me. He loves me more than I can comprehend though sometimes He gives me glimmers of insight into it and it's overwhelming to the point of tears for my cup doth runneth over.
I didn't know the Rules of Christianity, mostly because church doesn't teach them and Mockingbird doesn't dare BREATHE of them, lest 'Power, Angel.' Then I DID know the Rules. And they didn't apply to me. Yet be sure...
I remember blaming Mike for a lot of what happened in the wake of spellcraft and sin. 'I'm lonely, you're censoring me! I've made it 43 years without you so far and I'm still alive! You're making me feel like the definition of DESPERATE!' Always, always, always after & amidst indulgence in what nailed My Lord to the cross in Judea. And I knew it. That's the thing. That was the dangerous game I played with myself. The power of Choice is unbelievable. This Free Will New Agers talk so much about. And it also amazes me as it always has, especially when I was a CHRONIC alcoholic, that knowing logically, experiencing temporally and even living out real-time consequences of Choice, that people STILL RUN to their vices. They don't run FROM them until there's a death sentence, health scare, sometimes not even job loss is enough for them to turn and be healed. We HATE healing. We love indulging in sin. And why wouldn't we? It's encouraged since birth, especially in this country. McDonald's commercials and finding your Dad's Playboys, now you just go to CNN and porn is available there. Try googling 'biblical painting' and see all the whetting-a-sexual-appetite awaits you there. 'It's just a tv show.' 'It's just a movie.' 'There are no monsters under your bed.'
Banging your head against a fucking wall, that's what it's like to know better and do nothing different. And it leaves bruises. It leaves you and Jesus alone to discuss what you need help with. I don't know how to say to someone 'you're going to hell' and I never will. But I know a lotta people go to hell. I probably KNOW a lotta people who are going to hell. And I've watched them be inspired, acquire knowledge of how to avoid it and rush head-fucking-long into their 'lives' without a second thought about it. Yet be sure. I did.
If anybody knows about God's grace and arbitrary blessings it's Jennifer Melde. I've spit in the eye of Jesus while literally knowing I was doing it. I'm no better than those at His precious feet as He hung on the cross yelling at Him to 'SAVE YOURSELF, SON OF GOD! You saved others, you can't save yourself???' I may as well have driven every nail into his palms myself, one by one, holding a couple in my teeth as His blood spatters on my face. 'You fuck up last night, Jenny? Tell Mike you wanna off yourself this morning? Misplaced anger, huh? You wanna end it all? Look at this bright orange atmosphere I've charged the outside of your apartment building with as you walk outside to go to work. Look at the rainbow sunrise I gave you, it's your favorite color. You're precious to me. I'm close to you cuz you're close to me. Yeah, that nail hurt but I LOVE..YOU. Look up thine eyes, Sweet Child of Mine. You want to die? I want you to LIVE. With me! I'm making you your own room right now. That's why it's taking me so long to come back. Every time another of Our Father's Children calls out to me I gotta go back and make another room for them.'
There is ZERO rhyme or reason to the blessings that have bestowed upon me in my most outrageous hours. There is No reason other than God's grace and pleasure. He likes to DROWN ME in His Grace for this testimony I share. But I'm quiet, so rarely does anyone hear about it out loud. I've been wretched and He's been kind. I've been blasphemous and He's been patient. I've been evil and He has been...so good to me.
I've been blessed enough to have one of his most precious creations in my life in @mikemullens. If anyone truly knew how much he's been measured by God they'd understand why sometimes it's hard to understand him. God has not only put that man into my life as a friend but the only man, the ONLY man on the planet earth who has loved me from the inside out with such faithfulness that if I ever found myself without him, NO ONE would ever measure up and they would absolutely have to. It is in scripture that to lose your husband you should not marry. It would be better that way. But if you do marry again it must be to a Man of God. I am biblically married. God officiated. Only God can undo. The blessing of Mike in my life alone is enough to testify to how much God loves me. And who am I, who continued in sin after receiving Christ's Holy Blood, to warrant such a thing? Just a Foolish Thing who is being made Wise to confound the 'Intelligent.' For my eyes have seen things I cannot see that righteous men longed to see. My deaf ears have heard what they didn't.
We may be in the End Times but this is just the beginning.
For it is written: So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.
Not everyone who calls Jesus 'Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. If you found and love Christ that doesn't mean your salvation is cinched. In fact, if you're still devoted to poker games, fantasy football, posting cat pics on facebook, watching tv, binge-drinking, watching porn and not telling everyone you know about how Christ saved you, you won't only not be acknowledged in front of the angels in Heaven, you'll be standing outside the door weeping and grinding your teeth. And what can I do but keep contending for my Faith and Yours? What can I do but what Jesus did? Speaking the good news and offering the free gift? As I type this 4 ravens fly over me. Those of you who want to stay in the world, the ravens have a message for you:
Consider the ravens:
They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.
And how much more valuable you are than birds!
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?
Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
Consider how the wild flowers grow.
They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!
And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. (Like you need an egg!)
But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
Sell your possessions and give to the poor.
Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
He replaces what you give up to Follow Him
I can make this promise because it is my testimony and His Promise also
Right Here:
Truly I tell you, Jesus replied, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for the gospel will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields, along with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life.…
All this AND Heaven