It's me wearing an aztec clay mask that I bought months back. I'm usually not the skincare type of girl cos I don't have acne or whatever on my face and also just didn't care at all. There are random stuff [like pimples or small bumps] coming out of my face occasionally but when I started caring for my skin for awhile, they would be gone fast.
A couple of weeks though, I could see my face would have random red and itchy spots, random small bumps that I don't even recognize what they were, but all I know is they don't sound like a normal thing. They look like irritation or some sort.
I'm not much concerned about my looks atm since I'm not going out anyway and I don't take selfies that much anymore XD but I'm more concerned about what's actually going on with my body and why this is happening.
Since that bad UTI that I got last year, I started drinking lots of water and cutting my sugar consumption. I don't even drink sodas or juices that much anymore... so I can't blame those for my face.
I don't wear foundation and other heavy makeup as well, so it's not a factor. I started sleeping with my cats inside my room again so there are lots of fur lying around but I doubt it is because of it since I've never had any reactions to their presence.
I also use the right facial wash and moisturize my face daily. So, I'm asking myself again and again... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? :/
I thought of it a lot and now I think I know what the problem is all along... it is caused by stress.
Stress levels are too damn high
I have PTSD which I am very transparent about from the start. Our brain functions aren't like when we were normal people anymore. Our "normal" life has always been having an abnormally high stress hormones because our brain is in survival mode ever since we got PTSD, and it will be like that forever. So yeah, I'm very sensitive to smell, touch, sounds and other senses basically because our brains always try to look out for dangers - to protect ourselves.
Since now you've got a clue what it is like internally, let me tell you what happens around me.
I don't know how other people would view my world atm, but to me it's very very chaotic.
We moved in to a new home a month ago and my stress got 4x than in the previous house. The village is pretty peaceful, location is good, house is bigger but since my dad is not yet done building his "terrace" outside my studio, I've been hearing construction noises and loud radio ALL DAY LONG. Not to mention that terrace wasn't also planned at all, which got me frustrated cos if only I have known that he wants to build it outside my studio, I would have never invested my energy and money in this studio (which is also where I sleep atm).
Another source of noise in the house are the toddlers... They cry a lot. Whine a lot. Complain. And I seriously don't want to hear any toddlers crying/screaming. What's worse is that the noise is next to my room/studio, which makes me "sandwiched" in the middle as the construction noises is from the other side. :(
These noises are really causing me too much stress but wait, there's more!
In the studio, I literally have 0 privacy and security. I don't know about you, but it's VERY VERY important for me to feel safe in a place but here I just don't feel safe at all because I have no privacy and I think it would be so easy for robbers to climb and get into my place or whatever. I even notice myself being on high alert all the time that even just one smell of burning charcoal from my neighbor gets me circling around my room, trying to find the source of the smell (cos in case of fire) even though I know well that it's a smell from a charcoal...
The studio is also next to my brother's room (the one with the baby) and they have a window which goes directly to my room and I have no control of when to open or close that window/curtain. I mean, I don't sleep naked but imagine waking up and finding them looking at my room (cos probably calling the cats or whatever), it's just really pretty annoying and I don't feel safe at all. Also the thought of them being able to have access to my room anytime they want...
These are the two important things but the problem there doesn't end at all.
Sometimes, I get called to look after my toddler brother which is quite okay since I can just work [paint] while he's watching Youtube but what's really annoying is that I work and pay for the internet bill and groceries but nobody else does the dishes and I should still be the one to do them? I mean, I'm okay with it if they also do the dishes little by little just so it won't pile up at night but bruh... after they eat, they just... leave? They don't even spend a few minutes to clean up the dinner table. And when I glance at them to check what they are doing... they just... Facebook??? Using the internet that I pay consistently for like, 2 years?
That's not even it, since I started buying groceries, I also buy a lot of snacks and other foods expecting them to be there for long term. But the moment I get hungry, I look at the kitchen and they're just... gone? Nothing left for me anymore. It's that bad that I started storing foods inside my room.
Because of these problems, I can't work. I can't earn properly. Ya know? How can you work with that environment when even at night you hear the baby cry lol.
I told my mom everything about what I'm ranting for and she told my dad about reducing the noise but I still think the best for me is to just move out - even if I think my dad doesn't want me to. Currently, my mom helps more but I don't know if she told the other members of the family to help with the chores or whatever.
What do I do atm
These couple of days I just completely shut down and sleep all day. I can't work properly, my paint days are only a few hours per day. I can't also eat properly cos I sleep a lot. I don't do the chores too. I can't do them since I'm not even eating.
I'm even thinking of going back to psychotherapy/counselling but how the fuck can I do that when I can't go out now cos they implemented the stupid passes again (that I'm not qualified to have)? I can't do online therapy sessions cos literally because I don't feel safe and secured here lol. But maybe I can do something about it since it is "essential" but I have to consult my mom first about getting passes and maybe avoid being in prison and wasting time staring at the prison bars or some shit.
My mind is just really stressed out that it's also affecting my relationship as well.
So yeah, the solution to the weird stuff coming out of my face is I think to get rid of these stresses first, then the rest will follow. I'm just waiting for the bull run atm and trying to earn and taking advantage of being rent-free and save as much as I can then after that I can move out and have a peace of mind. Also probably therapy when I can finally go out again.
And here's my skin with all those spots that kept appearing everyday which might now be too obvious in that photo cos of the golden hour but yeh. They are really tiny, but plenty. Red spots that don't look like pimples at all too. So yeah, dunno.
Thanks for being the best place to vent.
I'm just... stuck and feel alone.