The Coward
It was only a day later that I wrote Karen a letter telling her how I felt about her, telling her that I wanted to give things a shot as a real couple, that I wanted to commit to her and trying for this family, that I was all in. I poured my heart into it, I meant it, I really felt something for her and had no idea how it had taken me so long to realize it, how it had taken me so long to really see her and how wonderful she was. I felt like an idiot, but I wasn’t afraid to take a shot and see if she would still have me after all of our history.
She said that before she decided she wanted to have everything out front, no more lies. I let her go through my phone, I let her read everything. She scoured it, found all the texts I had sent to other people talking about how she had been verbally abusive to me, and a number of other things that painted her in a bad light because I wasn’t telling the whole story. I was omitting my part in things when I talked to people about our relationship.
She went through the whole history, all of my conversations with people. I rarely delete texts, but after my recent encounter with my ex I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself that I deleted our entire conversation. Karen looked through all the rest of my phone and we pieced together the recent events. But I left one thing out. Even after she asked me if there was anything else she should know before she made her decision. I omitted the fact that I had spent the previous night with my ex. I lied to try to better my case, hoping she would say yes to me and we could start “fresh.”
And she said she would, she decided to give me another shot. So we started dating, we took an amazing trip that following weekend to a small town and it was fantastic. I felt really happy. We’ve been dating ever since, just recently we got engaged. I know this woman is the strongest, most caring person I’ve ever met and want her in my life supporting me and loving me, and I want to give her that same love and support, more if I can. We’ve had so many ups and downs I know I could make it through anything with her. She still struggled to forgive me for all the shit I put her through, but she always tried.
After we started dating I had tried to move on, to totally forget about it, to stop thinking about it. I wanted to leave that person, that old me, behind. To pretend like that wasn’t me. It was stupid because she still hadn't stopped thinking about it, it was still on her mind, unresolved. I should have remembered it all and tried my best to help her through it. I should have kept talking to her about it, seeing what I could do to help her work through it. But I didn’t, I just tried to sweep it under the rug.
So when she asked me the other day to try to explain my thinking during that time, I tried, and in trying the truth about that lie came up, I forgot I hadn’t told her about that last time I had slept with my ex, the time right before I wrote her that letter. It threw our whole relationship into question. She hadn’t had a true opportunity to choose me because I had lied about what I had done. It was like that lie had undone all the work she had already put into forgiving me.
I should have owned that action back then, I shouldn’t have held it back from her, but I was a coward. I thought for sure that if she knew she would never want anything to do with me. And her learning about it almost a year and a half later made it that much worse. She hadn’t even had a true opportunity to choose me, to weigh my actions and decide she still wanted me. I took that from her.
We’re engaged to be married and this comes up, all my past shit comes back again because I couldn’t tell her the truth. I was a complete coward, I couldn’t man up and just own my actions, own my circumstances, and do right. All I want to do is stop hurting her, to show her I love her, to show her that I changed, and give her the best of me. This coming back hurt her so bad, it added to the hurt, it was yet another lie.
This time I’m owning it, I’m owning all of my past. I’m not proud of it by any means, but I’ve learned from it. I’ve learned through my mistakes how much my actions can hurt others, and I’ve learned how much I hate hurting others, especially her. I am in awe at how strong she has been through this whole experience, a girl of 19 when we met who was stronger and more mature than me at 27. She taught me more about how to be a man and show it in my actions than anyone has. So now I’m going to put those lessons to work, I’m going to do my best to show her that I love her and support her and choose her. I want to do right by her no matter what, if she’ll have me I want to make her the happiest woman on the planet.
I hurt the woman I love the most more than I’ve hurt anyone, more than I want anyone to hurt ever. Seeing her pain affected me deeply. It still does. And I feel helpless to take that pain away, pain that I caused from lying and cheating and not appreciating the beautiful girl right in front of me. I’ve seen her so hurt and so angry and sad, and it’s something I never want to see again. It kills me that it was me that caused her so much pain. I thought I was better than that, but I was just lying to myself and ignorant of my lack of virtue.
Now all I can do is try to be the man she probably always hoped I would be. This article is the start of that, it’s me owning my shit, admitting to being a coward and a liar. After this is where I show that I’ve changed, that I am the man I want to be, that I can give her great love, because she deserves great love.
Karen, I love you more than anything, you are my saving grace, my better half, the mother of my child, and one incredible woman. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused you, I wish I could take it all away. I promise you I will be here for you always, whatever you need, I will love you, hear you, and trust you, and I will do everything in my power to make amends for my mistakes.
Jake
To anyone that made it through the story, thank you, I'll be writing a follow-up on what I learned soon. It's going to focus on masculinity and how it's perceived vs what I actually think it is.
Man I'm so sorry about your experience. We all sometimes do the wrong thing when it comes to relationships, but it is best that you are learning from the experience. Keep your chin up and keep working on yourself, your honesty, and your acceptance of yourself. The higher powers will reward you if you grow from this. I promise. I went through something like this recently and have come out of it shining brighter than ever before, and I am constantly rewarded in life now.
Thanks for the kind words, I guess I am still coming out of this, still righting my ship. Glad to hear you can relate and have come out of your experience better for it, I feel the same way but am still integrating some of the lessons, it's been challenging but rewarding
The scars take time to heal. You will always love her...but the scars will heal. Love yourself and love will surround you!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us @jakeybrown .. I can relate, none of us are perfect and we're all a work in progress. It takes a certain type of man to evaluate his actions and admit when he is wrong .. to lay his heart open for all to see. Too many lack the capacity to view themselves objectively. Life is a lesson my friend and you just learned a valuable one .. respect and onwards and upwards.
Thanks @perceptualflaws, trying to own myself and keep learning and growing. It's been difficult, but I needed to really take a hard look and grow from it
hey Jake, So just caught up with your series. Quite some background info here. I can relate, as I am sure so many can. But having some insight into your spiritual journey I know that these events will be doubly sore for you.
I have made many less-than-wholesome decisions in my life and cannot say I will not in future. But to suggest there is no one here making the decisions, though true in the ultimate sense, does not really cut it.
That said, guilt -the partner of fear - always wants to shout loudly at these times.
The question is always 'what would Love do?' If we are blessed enough with the space for this question to really take hold, there is hope for the best outcome for all.
I would really encourage you, and anyone (including myself) to offer the sincere prayer that the most loving outcome be the result of any decisions we make, even if that doesn't look as you would hope it to in the immediate aftermath.
Unclunch the fist that is grabbing onto any particular outcome, open your heart and your unflinching acceptance. This can be a wonderful time for you and your loved ones.
And, of course, thank you for sharing your humaninty - you are so NOT alone in your actions.
Thanks for the reply and for reading all of that. All that happened taught me a lot, alot about love and what it means and about forgiveness and staying out of shame and guilt. I am always learning, I try not to blame myself for past mistakes, it just shows me I still have so much to learn.
I've actually found huge spiritual progress in this too, embracing the truth and owning myself, my dark side, learning more about empathy, etc. It was painful to have that side of myself revealed, but necessary if I want to grow and mature in all sorts of ways.
Thanks again for stopping by, I appreciate it, sorry I'm not on here as frequently, I was hoping to be back on sooner, but I need to integrate a lot of what I have been learning and work on personal issues first. Maybe soon.
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Great post! I just followed and upvoted you! Follow me back @relsserd.