Another day that is much the same as the next, being housebound gets on top of me at times actually quite a bit, i dare not think about tomorrow as it brings me down. My days are basically the same everyday apart from the few good days when the sun shines and i can get out to do a little gardening. Most days are spent trying to get through the day, lots of pain and lots of medication.
I have lived like this for quite a few year, each year getting worse than the last but still hoping one day i will feel better, its not going to happen. I have to accept this is the way it is, i have to find away to get through each day with as many happy moments as i can .
When our country was put into quarantine for 3 months i was dreading it but as the days went by i started to feel good about it. It wasn't me keeping myself in, we all had to stay in so that took away of guilt and envy. My anxiety would grow if we had plans to go somewhere but through those 13 week i didn't have any anxiety as the going out was removed from my thoughts and i found the isolation more rewarding as i had people around me, company and help. The isolation actually made my days a lot easier even though the pain was still there i didn't worry as much. I got through each day and looked forward to the next.
Now we are back into a routine and hubby is back to work, the country has opened up again so has my anxiety and worries. I still don't go out very much if at all, i have stuck to online ordering, i deal with people online and phone so no need to see anyone as we are still social distancing. I could quite happily live this way, not having to worry about going out takes away one of my worries plus a lot of anxiety.
When i was fit i was always out, i worked with the people and dealt with the public daily. My last job before i became disabled was Manager of Holland & Barrett in Newcastle, it was a busy shop with lots going on. I loved it, i loved talking to people but now i would rather avoid them and live in my own bubble where i know i can't do or say anything wrong.
I have been learning Mindfulness Meditation where you start living in the moment instead of thinking about what might happen live for what is happening so nothing to worry about when i go out i am not out at the moment and i am OK, learning to not think to much to what if. I try to not make plans, i don't look to far in the future as i may miss whats happening now. Live for today.
I am better than i was pre Corona virus, i am not scared to say NO if i don't want to go out. I do what i think is best for me and not what's best for others.
