Daddy-Bear, can you keep a side of the barbecue free for the vegetarian stuff?
I looked down from my mighty smoky throne to the supplicant who had approached the most holy of altars.
The what stuff?
I intoned powerfully, waving the sacred tongs in the supplicant's direction.
You know, the 'No Chicken' burgers that we have got for the people who don't eat meat?
The supplicant gestured with an insipid box of reconstituted tree pulp on which there was a bad drawing of a burger with plants growing out of it.
I paused and took a great Godly breath. It wasn't always easy being an exalted being. It wasn't always all holy tongs and smoky fire.
'No Chicken' burgers...
I said with a cold grin like Johnny Depp helping a girlfriend down some stairs.
What's in them? Turkey?
A God should know everything before passing his mighty judgement.
No, you bloody doofus. Of course they don't have turkey in them. They are vegetarian!
The supplicant barked somewhat impatiently.
I peered imperiously down at her. She obviously had no idea the danger she was in. The coals of the holy altar were hot and it was crying out for quivering flesh to decorate its blackened grill.
But Gods are above mortals and I resisted poking a skewer in this ones back-meat for its insolence.
Vegetarian? Yeah, whatever. Sling them here and I shall throw them on with the quarterpounders.
I motioned with the tongs to the meat bench which was groaning with the weight of dead things on it.
Eh, you're not mixing them up. Keep one side free for the vegetarian stuff. Come on, it's not just me that's having them. Olette and Julian are having them too. Let's split the barbie down the middle. That way we keep the cross-contamination down as much as possible.
The Supplicant threw the No Chicken burgers at me and retreated before it got a right good smiting on the arse.
In its place, another supplicant approached holding out an offering on cupped hands.
I nodded, this was more like it. Perhaps this one was bringing me the heart of one of my enemies. Perhaps even still beating. Oh yes, that would be nice.
My porken oboe twitched at the thought.
Nothing sizzled quite like a heart freshly torn from a chest and thrown on the barbie.
I felt my outrage at the No Chicken burgers fade somewhat and I nodded to the supplicant. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.
I washed it away with some fermented beer juice and hailed the supplicant as he came to a stop before me, head low and hands high with the offering.
Julian. What do you bring for the flames?
I growled grandly.
Hoi Boomy, Oi was wondering if there was a little corner oi could perch moi tofu for a minute.
Julian's accent was a sort of plummy southern nonsense, all vowels and saliva.
You've got some fucking what?
I thundered like Odin after that fucking pesky blackbird pecked out his eye or whatever happened that made him a fat dick.
Tofu, yoi know that new one that's dead foirm?
Julian nudged his little pack of sour milky regret next to the No Chicken burgers.
Aye, leave it there. Prick.
I grumbled at his retreating form.
Fucking No Chicken burgers and sour soy tit-milk, what the fuck was the world of mortals coming to?
The flames leapt up in seeming sympathy from the hell grill and I shook my head and started placing all the mad veggie shit at the rubbish side of the barbie that never quite got hot enough for some reason.
Daddy-Bear, hold up! We've got some asparagus to go on too!!
The first supplicant waved and ran towards the holy grill with a handful of asparagus clutched in her fist.
Asparagus?
Asparagus?!
For fuck sake. Truly, it was hard being a God these days.
Chicken burgers... tofu.. asparagus.. nothing a good coating of BBQ sauce won't fix
I have a right spicy one with scotch bonnet in it. Bloody magic it is!
Hahaha Boomy. Oi what are they doing to you?
Reading between the lines of some of your latest posts really makes me giggle internally (and then cackle like the mad crone I really am). Hmmm the heart of your enemy you say?
What kind of treasure that would be indeed cackle cackle cackle
Doubt it would go down well with the vegesaurus crew though
Haha, yes. I don't think it would go down very well with that crew at all!
They are trying to turn me, turn me into one of them!!! 🤣
Head down and raising the offering haaaaaaa, mortals also eat something other than meat haaaaaaa, the guests were mostly vegetarians, you as their GOD just had to say no haaaaaaaa, but I guess you can't do it, you'll have to work harder in your GOD posture :)
I will convert them all back to the true faith ;O)
Yo, you've got to make more difficult for these mortals to have their wishes granted, didn't you learn anything from the Abrahamic god who let's people fast, pray, wear sack clothes and things like that?
I think that is where I was going wrong. I didn't smite them enough for the lack of sack clothing! :OD
Well, I believe in you, I'm sure you would do better next time; read your Bible and practise.
Consider it done! They wont know what's hit em!
I have the solution. You need one of these for the vegetarians, hot water around the outside for boiling their tofu and a grill on top for cooking their Lawn clipping burgers, the added bonus being it's a cheap Chinese electrical appliance so of they try to interfere in the Lords outdoor kitchen, they only need to touch it in slightly the wrong way and it will electrocute them!
Without wanting to diss your friends, Julian and Olette, real names or names change to protect the not-so innocent?
Names changed to protect the innocent. I change all the names in mine so that a random google search never brings back the
easily offended victimsgood people that bless my stories ;O)Now that is quite the contraption. I managed to do similar for them with foil but thankfully no water!
So no Julian and Olette, thank goodness, your Hive cred almost dipped to the levels of a plagiarising Nigerian god botherer!
And that is a low low level indeed!
Hehe, yeah the names are dull as sin. Need to jazz them up a bit! :OD
Hahaha that's what I'm talking about. Electro-shock-bbq-parties are the next big thing. I feel it in my boooonnnneeesss
I remember going through this with youngest when he was doing a huge batch of sausages for one of J's events. "Hm...we should have probably done the vegetarian ones first..." as it would have saved cleaning the barbeque with an entire lemon trying to make sure we avoided cross contamination as much as possible.
How was your barbeque in the end? :)
Hahah, yes indeed, the cross contamination issue is a hard one to avoid. In the end Iused foil to put the veggie stuff on with a folded lip to keep it from getting meaty. It was a fine bbq. I feel very stuffed after it although mt flamed jalapenos turned out to be way hotter than normal so I was sweating heat tears!
LoL oops! But were they good? :D
J occasionally has that problem where a hot sauce or something "is really good!" but he's also silently dying XD
They were awesome. But I different the exact same thing where I had to keep eating the roll I had put loads on and at times I looked at though I was sobbing 😀
Bahahhahahahahaha xD
Flaming jalapenos that sounds amaaaaazing!!!
They were awfully good! Made the whole day a lot hotter LOL
They were awfully good! Made the whole day a lot hotter LOL
Maybe next time wrap the meat in condoms first. That should protect their veggies from, you know, splatter.
Maybe I could season the inside of the condoms first!! That would give them a nice old reset!
Dude those things already come with flavoring. You're using the wrong side. Just put it in there and let it marinate. I think I'm going to call this invention: Sausage
Saaausage?? Thats a word sounding thing. I don't know if it would catch on. How about tubemeat? Yeah, that's got a ring to it!!
Could put duck meat in there and call it a Rubber Ducky.
Duck meat... Duck...
Now was that a typo, that is the question! :0D
Duck fat.
I would never cook my food on a grill with animal meat, and I would never accept that someone in my family would talk to me making fun of my beliefs. Of course, they are used to my sister, niece and me, mainly because we are more animalistic than vegan. Something much deeper than a simple plant-based diet.
My family is a deeply humorous one, we make fun of everything. But I do get you on the sharing the grill thing. I wouldn't it I was vegan
It's the other way around for us. We sometimes make room for some dead flesh for the carnivores. Grilled asparagus has got my juice glands pumping overtime :D
The grilled asparagus was very nice!! There was so much greenery and veg type things that it was like being lost in a jungle. I think with only myself and my daughter being proper carnivores we will be going the same way!
We had our first barbie of the year yesterday. I am happy to let my son do some of the cooking these days. He likes a bit of meat, but often has whatever we are having. He's turned out okay for someone mostly raised on veg. About as tall as me (6'1"). He's into building his muscles so he does watch his diet.
It sure was great weather for it!
There are lots of people with muscles out there who don't eat meat or even animal "products" in general..
This was our second, we had a freakish warm day a couple of weeks ago.
I can't wait till mine are old enough to take a turn on the cooking front. The kids have meat more than me now so It might work out well for me when they do start!
Ha ha, crying laughing at your interactions with the lowly supplicants!! I do love a good bbq and he who doth touch it, shall be ended in a world of pain. The bbq is my throne and mine alone! 🤣🤣
I invested in a Weber during Covid, pure game changer, so nice to cook on and even chicken comes out perfect and doesn't stick
Oh very fancy! I got a new snazzy one but not a Weber. It has been awesome so far, but better than the old rubbish black ball thing I had!
The supplicants have to learn or there will be a smiting! :OD
Ya my last one was a heap of shit and I threw it out just before the first Covid lockdown, so went bbq-less for months and said I'd treat myself to a good one when I could. Worth the investment in my opinion, love a good bbq..
Same here. Mine actually fell apart with rust at the start of the year. Was a fecking mess. I was disappointed the blackened grease never held it together but ce la vi. The one I got actually cooks things soi Iam a happy man!
Ew ! Disgusting !
I hope you didn't let their toe-foo and grass patties taint the good meat !
Thankfully that nonsense didn't disturb the majesty of the meat!! :0D
There's no-chicken in hamburgers. Maybe you can serve that to the vegeteranians, Daddy-Bear. They'll never know the difference.
Now, why didn't I think of that. We could have had a proper party :OD
I wasn't sure what to vote on this being vegetarian and part vegan...
But your posts make me laugh, so what the heck.. 😁
Hehe, I do mean them in a gentle teasing way. My missus and friends are all almost vegetarian or vegan. I myself don't often eat meat but a bit of embellishment and I am the meat king ;O)
They had all their stuff nicely protected in foil... this time :OD
😂 Excellent! Just wanted to explain why my vote went up and down.. Just couldn't make up my mind..🤣
Our household is also forced to mainly no-meat.. You get that power when you do most of the cooking! haha..
Hope, you all enjoyed it!
We did, there were more leaves than you can shake a stick at!
Its weird. I do most of the cooking and yet I seem to have forced to mostly no meat, lol. It makes it easier if I ain't cooking lots of separate dishes!
Up and down voting, I was black affronted ;O)
Thats me! Thats how it looked!
Lmao 😂 I don't know why but I find that really funny.
Grilled asparagus is amazing. I haven't tried many vegetarian options myself but they are really gaining more and more ground these days. Some even bleed like meat.
It was my first time with the grilled asparagus and I am now a convert!
I quite like some of them, they are getting the texture right and they are more pleasurable to eat. I do actually like a lot of straight up veggies too right enough.
Yeah the textures are getting better for sure. We've been to a few vegetarian restaurants and sometimes you can't even tell it's not meat (well, chicken) that you're eating. Sometimes they replace chunks of meat for large chunks of mushrooms though and its just really not the same. Lol.
We eat a lot of vegetables with our meals generally.
I like mushrooms but I have never been a fan of that, big mushroom pretend its a steak thing. Blegh.
We eat loads. I have actually been trying to up it and inversely cut the carbs a bit more. You just cant beat the veggies!
Yeah exactly. Mushrooms are great but stop pretending they are meat hahaha
Totally man! Celebrate them for their greatness with garlic and butter. Nom nom! But not pretending to be a sirloin steak!
!LOL
Sour soy tit-milk formula shortage coming to a store near you
I can see it being a hit!! :0D
!LOL
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They would be fucked on my grill. It's so meat encrusted I am surprised the cockroaches don't flee when I light it up.
(I have encountered such a sight in Arizona, using the communal grills where I used to live).
Ugh, damn. That makes me feel ill imagining the roaches!!
That was the same almost on my old one which was black with meat crust. I got a new one though and it's relatively shiny! Lucky for them 😀
The management did something, as months later they were miraculously gone!
Mine is now. It needs cleaning bad.
I tried with my old one but could never get that black off. It must be the smoke and the mad heat!
As someone with food allergies, I can appreciate the need for considerate grill space segregation, but the vegans should learn to grill for themselves! Besides, shouldn't they be worried about the carbon footprint of outdoor cooking anyway? they're so joyless about so much already in my experience.
I used to have a little bucket grill thing that I did the vegan stuff on but there is so much of it now!! Soon there will be no meat!
That will be the beginning of the true end times!!
Just remember, next time there's an apocalyptic incident, vegans aren't far off from grass-fed beef. Keep your friends close, and your talkative self-righteous emergency food reserves closer. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Haha, that is without a doubt the most evil thing I have ever heard. But a solidly practical things too. They have reached the next level of friendship! :0D
What a laugh, but I just read this to the missus minus the swear words and it's quite a task my goofball friend.
!BEER
Was there anything left after the swearing was removed? Hehe :0D
Hahaha, not much, but it was worth it 😁
A hearty good night to you from SA!
Hehe, I should write one without saying one day as a challenge! I reckon I could still be foul!
A very good night from an oddly sunny Scotland to you and your mate! :0D
!BEER
Hahaha, you certainly do not need swear worlds to show the world your foul state :D
Lol, I know, I am proud of that talent! :OD
Well I will give you this mate, you are not scared to fly your flag :OD
And that certainly deserves a !BEER
Ps. Marian says that we enjoy your outlandish bantering posts :)
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I don't want to risk getting the chemicals from the vegetarian stuffs (Beyond Meat and No Chicken are concoctions of a mad scientist) on my meat grill.
So ... the non-meat stuff gets cooked in the oven. (I won't refer to it as vegetarian as most of it doesn't contain vegetables)
Meat gets cooked on the grill.
If you twist your words properly, the recipients appreciate your concern. And you get to relax with a beverage and a grill full of flesh.
Beyond Meat, as yes. That has shown up too. I normally do them separate it in the oven. For some reason not one was giving a hoot. Us Scots go a bit crazy in the momentary glimpses of sun when we get them!
Oh I could truly go for some asparagus on the grill but I draw the line at the soy tit-milk concoction. I like my meat.... even if it does touch the asparagus. I do say during apocolypse those scrawny vegans would probably taste alright even though they be a little stringy lol
They might be stringy but who doesn't like a bit of jerky to gnaw on when fending for themselves in the wilds!
It was the first time I have had grilled asparagus and it was dashed good. I'm a fan!
Oh yeah..the grilled asparagus is delicious. Especially with a thick juicy steak LOL
Truth be told, I would eat just about anything in a SHTF setting. Not too particular as starving to death is an unsettling thought.
Weirdly enough, I have never had a steak done on a grill! I kept meaning toiy but I am so outnumbered in the meat stakes in my house I rarely bother.
I would too, no starving for this survivalist!!
The classical problem a vegeterian faces for eating 😁
It certainly is on my grill. The poor folk essentially had beef flavoured everything! :0D
Having one grill is more sporting, isn't it? There is such a tussle over cross-contamination that I just got another grill last year and life has been easier on the grill meister.
Grilled asparagus is the bomb!
The weather was perfectly perfect this weekend!
The weather was splendid. I heard from my American brethren in Boston and the like that they too had a fabby one! Hurrah for the nice weather!
I should have two but there is a serious lack of people wanting to get on the grill roster!
Most are pretty laid back about it, but, one of my sisters-in-law is darn near manic about mixing, which I can understand. It was just easier and now it seems the larger (meat) grill needs to be swapped over the smaller (veggie) grill. I was mostly seafood anyway, with a touch of the beef now and then, but, it seems more in the family are leaning towards lighter fare.
Plus, it makes me feel better inside. Really? Does nobody want to toss it on the grill?
Who are these people! I didn't know you had people in Boston! I go there every few months. It is close enough to home and it is one of the best places to step into history in the states.
I only have work colleageus there. Boston, Chicago and Minnesota I think it is. 5 and 6 hours behind. They were all happy because they got memorial day off. I was like, ha we get two days this week for Queeny ruling for seventy years or some extraordinary length of time.
I think mixing without over boddging things together is fine. Seafood Ido tend to keep quite separate because they are so delicate!
Yes!! I want to see you out there cheer Her Majesty and thank ing her for the vacation days with pay!
I eat both, so I don't care either, but, some would rather go without. I will probably not get that bad, but, I guess I can understand it from their point of view.
Delicate, yes. But super delicious!
The Jubilee is Sunday, I think. What days off do they give you?
They have given us tomorrow and Friday, add that into the weekend and we get four days of glory!
I thought I would be cheeky and ask for the Tuesday off too so that I don't go back till Wednesday. So I am off for ages! Funk them all!
Hurrah for Queenie!
Lol!!!!
My Dad was vego since 1972. Literally hated bbq beyond reason and wouldn't put his food on it without being wrapped in foil so it wouldn't be tainted. Me, I love tofu marinated with bbq sausages and bacon, it's kinda like eating meat without eating meat. And bbq veggies are amazing. Especially mushrooms. 😂🍄
Thats how the good lady feels about it all. She doesn't mind a bit of cross marination!
Bloody mushrooms. I will be staging an intervention with you next :OD
😂 Don't worry, I have plenty of people around me ready to stage said intervention....😂
Lol, its for your own good!! ;O)
I'm from Argentina and here we usually eat a lot of grilled meat, usually on Sundays we have roast meat with the family, I have a vegetarian sister, when she comes we always cook her vegetables in the oven with many condiments of her choice, we never let her cook on the grill, that would be blasphemy haha.
Lol it almost seems like blasphemy!! We used to have a tiny grill for the non meat but it is turning into the opposite almost now! :0D
“I’d like to help you out, I really would, but I’ve already scrubbed the entire grill with my Baconator™. Maybe next time.”
They already know the house has been scrubbed with baconator. Event the beds they are sleeping in!!
😂 😂 I never met a normal Julian. Their name just makes them have notions. I bet Olette and Julian have children called Sienna and Penelope. How were they even invited??
Ah, it's a tragic tale. The Good Lady became a doula a few years ago which led her to meeting all sorts of crazy hippies and people who see dear people and all that.
Which is fun for me too enough 😀
I had to look that word Doula up there. My initial thinking was a shauman! 🤣. I'm such a dope. (the old style dope not the new style dope)
It is like a Shaman! A lady shaman wise in the ways of birthing. It is mental mad for the hippies!
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Meat!!! I grilled on Sunday for my annual birthday party with my family. Ribs, Pork tenderloin, chicken tenderloin, shrimp, and pineapple. I sprinkled the pineapple with cinnamon and sugar and then grilled it, it tasted nearly like candy, it was so good. I am okay with some vegetarian stuff lol like the pineapple and I do love grilled asparagus.
I would go to a barbeque of yours any day that's for sure! Sounds magic!
If you ever come to the States and Arizona like to see the Grand Canyon for instance, let me know! haha.
Has! I will be sure to do so!! :0)
I confess I like asparagus and mushrooms on the bbq, but that is how far the non meat products go!
Contamination is rife, you remember saveloy sausages or whatever they were , vegetarian sausages you could get at the fish n chippy. they were never cooked separately, I remember winding up a couple of vegetarians about that years ago!
Sounds a cracking bbq and them peppers, bring it on!
Aye it was a fine one indeed and I think all the meat helped season the veggie stuff nicely!
I remember chippies were and probably are still awful for that. My missus used to be a full on veggie and I wound her up about the chips in chippies for years. She hated me when she should have been hating on them!
hehe oh yes I bet the veggies did season up nicely with the meat seasoning.
Oh was she and she isn't now? Well hating you was easier than hating the real reason!
She kinda is but is more relaxed about it now. Eats the occasional good bit of food. It is good for me actually as after having met her my diet has never been better. All the leaves!
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Hahah my wife’s friends have people they hang out with that are vegans and they made them buy their own grill to grill vegan horse shit at a barbecue! I was like wow those are some balls vegan fucks! Lol