Captain. We Lost One Of Our Engines

in #life6 months ago

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Guaaargh?!

A wave of pain shot out from my leg as I manfully swung it out of bed.

I looked down at it in perplexelment. Using my legs doesn't normally cause me to squeal like a piggy on its wedding night to Cotton Eye Joe and yet that is what I was doing.

What in the name of all the fucks?

My knee, normally a slightly nobbly yet handsome thing that joins various parts of my legs together was all red and swollen looking. Gingerly, I placed my hand against it.

Fuckity-baws?!

It was as hot as a badger's boaby.

What the hell could have happened? I had been fine when I had gone to bed and last night wasn't one of my dress in spandex and sneak out of the attic window on the hunt for crime kind of nights?

I gently put my foot down on the floor and tried to stand on it.

GAAAHROOOMPH!!!

Somehow, I managed to stand despite an oceanic tsunami of pain that flung itself over me.

Fucking hell, this was outrageous. How was a man to be a man if he couldn't even stand steady to cuff his lessers with a mighty iron hand?

I wobbled unsteadily trying to fight the pain. Holy shit, what was going on. Frantically I had a quick check of the downstairs lounge to make sure it hadn't been replaced by a worn and leathery old vagina.

Phew.

Everything was still as it should be.

Nonetheless, something was squiffy?

Somehow, I managed to half drag/half fall downstairs to the lounge where I phoned the Doctor.

The lady who answered advised me that due to COVID, appointments were all telephone-based now and asked me to mail some pictures to her in advance of the call.

Mopping the pain sweat from my brow I attempted to arrange myself in several artistic yet sexy poses on the floor in which you could see my swollen knee and a reasonable slice of thigh from different angles.

Despite my newly acquired pain and disability, my photos must have struck a chord as in no time whatsoever the Doctor called me.

Hello, is that meesterboom?

A lady-voice purred.

Yes.

I tried not to gasp as I replied.

Ah, good. Now, you said in your mail that you had no recollection of injuring your knee?

Yes, it was fine then it wasn't.

Ah. Right, Well, the thing is, given your age, I am going to have to ask you to attend the local hospital right away. As in, within the next hour? Can you manage that or do I have to arrange transport?

She sounded a little terse. As if something serious were in the wind.

I jutted my lower jaw out.

Did she just say given my age?!? The cheeky mare. Had they confused me with someone else?

Alas no and so I found myself in the Acute receiving ward in the local hospital.

An old woman with sore looking squeakers grumpily took my blood pressure then bade me sit in a wheelchair.

With the greatest of self-restraint I managed not to strike her with the bahk of mah hahn as they say in Norn Iron.

I was wheeled to a young chap of a Doctor fellow who got me to pull down my trousers before measuring the circumference of my calves for some nonsensical reason.

Even in my pain-maddened crippled state, I hoped he wasn't getting a stiffy.

A nurse bustled in and jabbed my arm with a blade before siphoning off a wodge of my blood.

Excuse me? Um, I just have a sore knee, what is all this for?

I waved my hand at the nurse bent over me (and no, not in a good way) and at the Doctor himself who was peering at a chart and comparing numbers on it.

The young doctor looked up.

Oh. Sorry, I thought someone might have said. You see, when you get to a certain age and you have an unexplained swelling in your leg we have to check for blood clots. It's the most logical explanation. So we run a series of tests on your blood to make sure you are not at risk of a stroke or blood clot formation.

He tilted his head to the side sympathetically as if he were a cat pretending it wasn't a stone-cold killah of small things.

If we catch it early you are in good hands.

My clotty blood froze.

Catch it early?

I asked faintly.

He patted me on the shoulder as if we were Dutch Sailors from the 17th century looking out at a sea of Dodos on the fair isle of Mauritius.

Let's wait till the results come back, hmm?

He wandered off to wherever Doctor's go in between scaring people to death.

I sat in the room they had left me in and tapped out a self-pitying WhatsApp message to the Good Lady. I attempted to send it only to see that there was no signal whatsoever.

I was in a dead zone.

Some hours later the Doctor popped in.

Hey hey! Guess what? Everything came back clear! In fact, ridiculously so. The most important one was negative so it looks like you can go home!

I glared at him.

Erm, what about my knee then, it's really fucking painful and giant and red?

Chuckles the Doctor Man glanced at it.

Ach, it's probably some delayed onset musculoskeletal thing. Here, I will write you a prescription for some stuff to take.

And with that, he was gone.


And so here I am. It's a bloody mystery how it happened!!

I finished relating my incredible tale to the Good Lady from the comfort of my armchair, my leg raised and an ice-pack perched upon my knee.

The Good Lady raised an eyebrow.

It's not really a mystery though, is it? Don't you remember yesterday when you fell up the stairs and said it was 'as sore as fuck'

She laughed.

I frowned deeply at her. Was she mental?

My dear lady, you must be mistaken. A man such as myself does not simply fall up the stairs.

I barked out a comedy laugh.

Oh but you did, remember? You howled like a banshee and when I asked if you were ok said that it was as sore as fuck but you were fine because you were a man. HA, I can't believe you forgot that!

I laughed coldly along with her.

She had obviously become insane. Hmmph. I would play along with her madness.

For now...

Sort:  

Oh my. Hope you're ok now. You could ice freeze some beer cubes and place them where it hurts, beer can heal because you're the ultimate beer connaisseur

Haha, beer can't help this mofo!! Only drugs and patience!! :0D

Ah a bionic knee would had made the trick😂 And you could always get a spare one. Someday in the far far away future who knows... Wouldn't it be so cool to just replace what it hurts... For now just the pills and the ice for sure

Only old people and drunk-bastards full up stairs...Has the jury come back with which is the case?

Guilty as charged!!!

Both counts it seems!!

Although when I fell up the stairs I was charging up at a massive rate of speed!!

charging up at a massive rate of speed!!

Was there a beer up the top?

Lol. Sadly, I think that I was running up to collect a washing basket or some lame shit!

Boomy...You know better than that...Getting washing basket. Tut tut.

This is like psychotherapy! I am getting to the root of the problem!!!

I'll send you my invoice later.

So I had my usual little smile on while reading and then got to

My clotty blood froze.

and that was where I burst out laughing XD

Glad there was a logical explanation for it all and it wasn't a scary medical thing XD

I am so glad myself that the old clotty blood actually turned out to be not so clotty!!! :0D

And so here I am. It's a bloody mystery how it happened!!

Hahahaha, but didn't you know the good 'old' Google is your best friend to solve every kind of mysteries?

Otherwise, just ask to the nearest 'young' Good Lady for faster results!!

If I show up on Google for any of my antics I will be going into hiding!!

The Good Lady is much better. I think she even has a better history than Google!!

The Good Lady is much better. I think she even has a better history than Google!!

Yep! I'm afraid that's true. I remember long time ago I found and read somewhere in Astalavista a pdf that did say that the Good Lady had inserted and installed a tiny GPS in the tip of your.... Ooops ?¿? ...With the enthusiasm, I almost reveal a Top Secret!!

Watch out. Sounds like she's getting a gaslighting campaign rolling.

Lol. We have actually been gaslighting each other for lols recently. It can be quite fun!!

Was it beer / whisky the night before?
Then it was no age related loss of memory.

Falling up the stairs, sober? How ridiculous even to suggest it.

Anyway, good healing to you!

Sober as a swivel thing on St Sobers day!!

I guess that will learn new to behave myself and not be running up stairs!!

With riping of age comes wisdom. 😎 (Or so I was told. 🤔)

"Yee shaleth nee run up the steps to the aboveth."

Getting old sucks - get out of bed too fast and wham you sprain or stretch something.... but glad you are okay.

That's what it feels like. Normally I'm such a lithe flexible monkey too. Damn it!!

Is old age starting to catch up with the boom-dude?
Ye canna remember falling upstairs.., it comes to us all, get out that pipe and slippers, and get ye-self a cuppa.

I need a padded room I think!!

Bloody swellings and nonsense, I remember when I could chop down a mountain with the edge of my hand!!!

And now your are the island floating downstream?

Haha you got it!!!

Hmmmmm. What's so hard about falling up stairs? I'm not sure I get it (though I'm even more advanced on the age thingy than you). Doesn't she realize that pain is PAIN to a manly man? That and the possibility of spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair is more than most can bear. Let alone lingering blood clots which can make you very completely dead?

One technical problem with your otherwise medically sound post:

on the fair isle of Mauritius.
The fair Isle is now foul due to an oil tanker in two pieces on the reef.

Oh that's right, I read about that!! Of the buggers and their polluting ways!!!

bahk of mah hahn

This is one of my favorite spicy Thai dishes.

Oh yes, its so punchy and can fair knock you over!! :0D

hello dear friend @meesterboom good morning.
I'm very sorry about your ailment, I hope you get better soon, because with that medication, you won't be able to do the beer ritual tomorrow.
I think or does your wife want you to feel old? Don't worry, there is nothing that cannot be cured with a cold beer.
Cheers dear friend
Have a wonderful weekend

Ha, one thing can be sure my friend. The beer ritual will go ahead come hell or high water!!!

Maybe she is softening me up for the grave but she should know there's a lot of living left in this old dog!!

Cheers @jlufer!!

That was the answer I wanted to read, beer cannot be missing from a gentleman, it is the last thing that can be put aside, and a knee inflammation will not be enough to stop @meesterboom

Wives always underestimate us dear friend
Happy day

They understand us even when they don't understand us 🤣🤣 bien dia a ti!!

Given your age, it's not unusual that you may forget the odd thing here and there.

But ... NOT TO FEAR

There is good news ... the same does not hold true for the Good Lady. She will always be able to recall every silly, stupid and embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you.

GIVEN MY AGE!!!! RAAAAAAR!

If I hear that again I wont be responsible for my actions! lol

And yes indeed, you are right. She seems to have the gift of that :OD

'He tilted his head to the side sympathetically as if he were a cat pretending it wasn't a stone-cold killah of small things. If we catch it early you are in good hands.'

Yeah, amazing how they masterly and with kid gloves always manage to set you at ease ...

It's almost like they are given no training and just thrown in there to make it up as they go along!!!

It’s a sign of old age, not the knee, forgetting you hurt it...i’m there too, i feel for you 😔😂😂😂

It's shit isn't it!!! I blame lockdown or something. Everything was fine before that although that kind of talk might be a sign of old age too... :0D

Dude, you’re in senile, I mean denial 😂😂😂😂 I decided to keep the typo🤣

Hahahaha!! I like the typo. It could be right!!

I missed laughing with you hugs 🤗

Hehe, cheers!!! I must say, the best thing is laughing!!

Sorry for your pain, but I laughed as reading your post , you would have told your wife that it hurt and she would surely help you by giving you painkillers and putting ice on your knee, but not before saying that you had fallen down the stairs, I hope you feel better

I feel a bit better! She has been very good to me despite making me feel like a forgetful old fart :0D

ha ha ha, now you know why you have so many followers, you are very funny ha ha ha.

I thought it was because of my handsomosity!!! ;0D

So you did bang it?!

My elbow did that once after a knock. It looks nasty and does hurt for a day or so.

At least it's nothing serious, you can crack one open to celebrate!

Aye, when the Good Lady reminded me I did have a vague recollection of sort of stumbling on the stairs! Can't believe it didn't show till the next day!!

The beers are lined up though!

They will help with any pain I'm sure. To the weekend!

Doubled up with the painkillers it just might! As long as I don't fall asleep!

What doesn't he bang these days given his age?

Ha!

Well i suspect the good lady has him on a tight leash - at least on a Saturday night anyway :D

Thought she would let him loose by now as surely it is time for a trade in considering his age.

Aye, I will be trading her in for a glossier model with less wear!!! ;0)

She has my funbags in a cup!!!

As soon as you mentioned measuring your calves I knew it was blood clots. Not something to play with as a nasty experience if not treated . What was it do you know? Were you drunk last night and have some memory loss or is that just your age? More likely an allergy to all the shitty beers you have guzzled down over the past few months in an attempt to find something astonishingly amazing.
Lets hope it is nothing as not everything can just be put down to your geriatric state.

Lol. I tell up the stairs the other day and stumbled. I did bang it but just shrugged it off and thought it was fine.

I feel kinda sad that I am now of an age where they instantly think I am gonna die if I phone the doctor's!!

It was good to hear it was all clear though :0)

Yes I agree as even if you fart funny sounds at your age they want to take a peek. Crisp and loud ones keep the doctor and anyone else away.

That one is bloody noted!!!

I had the fear as they sent me away that they might be wrong, that's what they did with my dad but thankfully not as it's getting a bit better