Listen. It's about the Americans.
El-Jefe rumbled like a night train pulling into a station.
We were in the office. In one of the swanky multicoloured new meeting rooms. One wall was a mural of trees and another had a gigantic picture of a woman laughing on a rope swing.
Our interior design team obviously spent too much time drinking Mojitos and frantically tugging at their collective penises whilst braying loudly about synergistic energies.
The Americans?
I said this almost hesitantly.
Holy shit, weren't we allies with the Americans? In fact, were our nations not friends? What heinous activities was I about to be made aware of? Would I be expected to get out the rubber wetsuit and harpoon gun again?
Yes, our American friends...
El-Jefe pursed his lips and rested his chin on his hands like a diseased and swollen St Bernard dog.
The thing is, Boom-Boom. They are in a different time zone to us and some upstairs feel that it isn't working.
At the mention of upstairs, he tried to motion upward with his eyes but the crushing weight of his blubbersome brows put paid to any such notion like that.
Yes, it is a royal pain in the arse. They don't start till one o'clock. Lazy bastards.
I chuckled, calling someone a bastard in work always made me chuckle. There is something pleasingly bastardly about it.
El-Jefe crinkled his nose in distaste at my language. As if I had thrown a goat's penis into some hot water and served it up to him as tea. Well, yes. Anyway. The senior management team are wondering what mitigations we can put in place to counter this clash of working days... He clucked his tongue contentedly like a Russian shaving a hamster. I leaned back in my chair and gave him a hard look. The very same kind of look I give the local seagulls when I go out to the car and something has shat on my windscreen. Do go on? I said disinterestedly as if he were a man that was conveniently doing some jobs in the area and wondering if perhaps my gutters needed cleaning. Well, the team over there are quite spread out and there are various logistical complications around them switching to working UK time. I mean, they would have to start at four AM! El-Jefe waved his arms in consternation like a simmering lobster. Yes, so what is the proposed plan? By now my stare sparkled with frost and danger. El-Jefe harrumphed and fidgeted in his chair as if he had taken receipt of the Russian's shaved hamster and inserted it into his back bin. So, perhaps you and your team would like to... Um... temporarily let us say... Errrrm, adopt American time? For a time, pardon the pun? His eyes were wide open and beseeching like that fucking cat robber thing in Shrek. American time. I said flatly. Um yes, would you fancy it? Or perhaps you would like to think on it? It would only be for five or six months..? He smiled like an Italian talking of the old country. You want myself and the team to consider starting at midday and working till nighttime? I said trying my best not to scream like a berserker and psychotically smashing the place up with the chair that I sat on. Yes, it would get us out of this jam. What do you say, give it a try? I took a deep calming breath. No thank you, Mr Boss. Much as I appreciate the offer, my family comes first and I don't think that would work out. I clapped a hand to my heart in an attempt to look sincere like a gay swordsman trying to impress a lady in a 30s movie by wearing tights and a moustache. Hmm, right. Tell you what, why don't you take the weekend to think it over? El-Jefe too tried to look sincere but instead looked more like a bullfrog eating a murder hornet. I nodded and made to leave. Oh, would you like a cup of tea? I asked politely. That would be fabulous, thank you! I grinned and faked a bow on my way out. Tea eh? Oh, you will get a cup of tea all right. Just as soon as I manage to find a fucking goat's penis
Goat Penis Tea, or Goat Tea is not to be confused with the outrageously offensive "goatse" which did the rounds of the early wild west days of the world wide web.
I've got news for you mate. If I want my pipes cleaned I will be popping round and seeing your missus whilst you are out scratching for pennies in other peoples dirt.
Fortunately this didn't read as...a woman swinging on a rope (A much different connotation.)
I think you did the right thing...Five to six months sounds suspiciously like forever.
Knowing how the naughty & kinky mind of Mr.Boom operates in the usual narrative of his funny posts, I wouldn't be too surprised if what he finally wrote has the same connotations and both meanings equally and without distinction. LoL
He is certainly intelligent to say things and mean others, that's for sure.
Yes I agree. That's what it really means being able to conserve an always splendidly mischievous sense of humor. ;o)
Creating a bit of confusion is one of the comedian's most powerful weapons to make people think and laugh.
Haha, now that might have been and altogether different kind of post!! :0D
LoL, I know you, I know you. Geniuses of humor always have to be well fed with over the top and mischievous ideas.
Steady on, genius would be taking it a bit far! Mildly amusing might fit better 😀
For spreading only mere amusement as a better fit, I guess it all would depend on the eventual audience of new rookies. For a well-known audience of mature people and old rogues and rascals like us, genius works best.
Mature people, old rogues and rascals...
Finally someone has nailed the hive demographic correctly!!
It's funny, we do laugh about that mural because the woman is sorta diagonal and leaning her head on one of the ropes and if she wasn't smiling you choose think she was topping herself at a sideways glance!!
Aye, it had the forever ring to it for me too!
I knew it bro! It's a message. Work or else.
Hahaha!! They're messing with me subliminally!!!
It might be time to teach them all a lesson. Make them some of that special tea.
I'm gonna need a lot of goats! :0D
Government is full of them. 😁
Ahh the joys of insane timezones XD I remember working with some overseas companies once and one of them was quite dedicated, switching their day/night to be able to overlap most of the day with us.
Sounds like maybe you should have made sure you had that goat's penis on hand before offering the tea, though I'm not sure why you would be carrying one of those around XD
I feel that without the goats penis I was woefully unprepared. Till next time at least!
All our Indian partners work our time and I think some of them are quite different timewise. For some reason they seem to have forgotten to add any caveats to the American contract. Hopeless bastards!! :0D
I suspect he'll make sure it's on hand in his workplace necessities inventory from now on.
Hello meesterboom, I hope you're well.
I just wrote a post of my own, I'll post it tomorrow after I determine if I really want to do so, but, with tears in my eyes I opened this post and it made me smile, genuinely. I wanted to say thank you because I really needed it. Reading this post was like sitting down with a lovely cup of tea, but not the tea you served your boss, I mean Earl Grey.
Becca 💗🌷
I am glad it made you smile. I read your post and I felt your pain. I was glad you decided on a different choice of tea ;0)
Pff. Sounds like you're whinging about east coast time, a mere five hours off from yours. Out here on the west coast, it's UTC-8!
Put the ball in his court. "I've thought the matter over, and have determined that I cannot accept this kind of schedule change without due compensation. If you'll pay time-and-a half, I can work it out." He has to be the bad guy who says no, or agree to a structure that incentivizes him to stick to his limited-time schedule.
That's the one, 5 hours. It's nuts, they start at my lunchtime and I have to work right up to finish time with nary a chance for any early finish!
I am decking glad it's not West coast time then. That would be a nightmare.
I would be afraid too ask for more money because I have a horrible feeling they would do it and I would be well off but fucked!
I support sites from Switzerland to San Francisco. A really bad day starts with a phonecall at 4AM. and a final phonecall around 8PM.
SAY NO!!!
That's outrageous and exactly what I want to avoid. It's a loud and clear NO from me and it's staying no!!
El Jefe-speak for “just like Nixon temporarily took the U.S. off the gold standard in 1971.”
Yeah, like temporary forever!!! :0D
Forgot to mention that when I was a kid growing up in New Jersey, the state temporarily introduced a 3% sales tax. That was 50+ years ago. True to their word, it was temporary. The rate anyway. It’s now a 7% sales tax.
Haha, and that is typical. The amount of times something had been introduced as a temporary measure and next thing you know there is no getting rid of it!
Ah yes, the good old goat penis tea, just like how grandma used to make it
Grandma had the best recipes! :0D
🤣🤣🤣🤣. Those bastard Americans. It actually happens in a call centre in my town. All the staff start at 2 and work until midnight. The Europeans will cater for our every need. Terrible hours.
Jesus man, that is the most rubbbish shift ever! That was my thinking. I have been in a job before where they tried that on and I just upped and left. I thought I was past all that trash, lol!
Hank needs his report. STAT!!
Lol. Fucking Hanks!!
Working with various time zones across the globe, I found that 1 pm -3 pm0 EST worked with every location for a time to have a meeting or do business. Any time before and after that was my own.
Just say no! Work around it.
No has been said! I quite like my mornings too as they are nice and quiet at the mo! :OD
When you were at school and learnt similes, did you get top of the class? These are the kind of delightfully hilarious comparisions that really tickle me. My favouritein this one:
The visual here will sustain me for hours.
Off to make a non penis tea, which sounds rather boring, in comparision.
Lol. I got in trouble at school because every time I wrote something I turned it into a horror. There were always heads flying off and people screaming as they feel into the depths of hell. I did like a good simile even then though!
Away and have that incredibly dull but probably enjoyable tea :0D
Ahaha well if I had have been your English teacher I would have loved it, being a zombie fan and all.
I had a hops tea, next best thing to penis.
🤪🤦♀️
Yeah, that was me. Zombie, doom end of the world fan!
Thats nice, probably more pleasingly bitter :OD
Hi @meesterboom ,It makes me laugh to read that you pretend to your boss and your boss pretends to you, I think you're doing the right thing, your boss wants too much from you, that's what happens when they fall in love with you, well it's a way of saying that we always They take into account .
It is a clever dance that we both do around each other! I like to think that we are both quite good at it now! :OD
Thats a hell of a cowboy outfit pal, and that leg stretch to accomodate thy steed lol
Man, you talking about puss in boots, from Shrek.
Good story as usual, im that dam Murican lol
Gotta stay flexible!
Puss in Boots, that cat sticks in my memory from that amazing big eyes pleading scene, lol!
Oooooh common!! Again !?
When will there be Jews?
You can never tell when they Russians are involved!! :0D
Fucking Americans. It's always our fault.
I once worked for an Australian group-14 hours and a day net difference. It was a semi trying time for me. :)
That's madness!!!
Yes, them troublesome Americans! :0) Although the guys are quite nice chaps just s bloody shake they are so out of step, time wise!!
Fucking Australians. Lol.
Proper buggers eh! 😜
I know right?
I worked in a place with offices in London, Israel, the US, Australia and Singapore. Getting people together for a Skype could be a nightmare. If only we had communications that didn't have to be fully real time?
Given that people have coffee that's been through some cat it wouldn't surprise me if goat dong tea was a real thing.
I have always wanted to buy that coffee!!
Yeah, them being out of sync is playing havoc with our working. Some sort of asynchronous working thing would be great. Maybe something something AI!!
During the time of bird flu we couldn't fly people to Asia, so they went to the US west coast to be a bit closer in time. I expect they had to work some odd hours to supply support services. If only the Earth were flat! Oops, better not stir up that tub of bullshit :)
I wouldn't mind if I got a jolly to Minnesota/Boston where they are. I could certainly live with that!
Haha, of the flat earth. Yes, let's not stir that hornets nest!!
!LOL
I dated a flat-earther once in college. Didn't work out though, she was just too plane. Talking to her family at dinner felt like I was sitting next to an ice-wall, always giving me the cold shoulder
The earth's surface is mostly water, and that water is not carbonated, so technically, the earth is flat.
Magic, I have never actually heard flat earth jokes before.. Love it!
Hahaha!! Ah splendid!! !LOL
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they’re so full of themselves.
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She said because it won't sit still.
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F that. I say hold your ground on that one. You'll end up doing it forever. Only 5 or 6 months... lmao 🤣 only half a year.
If you get forced into it then you should at the very least get a premium on your salary.
There is no way I am doing it. I know exactly what you mean and I was thinking it myself. I would be on wonky time forever!! It's going to stay a no!
Nice. Hold your ground 👍
The request is a bit ridiculous really.
Did he put it to the American's... how about you lot adopt GMT for a bit? You could send over some Meat Pie's as compensation. (..they wont know those are..). They love Crunchies stateside too...
Hive-vote is down, talk about a shortfall somewhere...
Yeah, apparently they said to the American chaps that they would have to work in GMT and they flat out refused and it has sent my place into a tailspin as they dont know what to do!
Haha, I kinda guessed hive.vote would be down. I was like OUCH!
So nothing has happened? Sounds like you dudes the same heh...
Yeah, nada. Long may it stay the same! It they can ship me out there, that might work!
I know seagulls wants something to eat while I am travelling in a ferry, so what happens when you look at them lile that 😁
They flee, flee for their very lives as they know that their time is short!! ;0D
This was the only Goatpenis I could find..
Goatpenis https://g.co/kgs/Zin6ff
Well that takes goat penis off in an entirely different direction!!
Nope... you can't give in even for 5 or 6 days. Lots harder to stop than to never start.
I'm an American and I have no control over the time, but companies know this before they make deals... right?
Heaven forbid you'd ask any of us to get up at 4 am....LOL
What a terrible delima !
I am absolutely staggered that no one thought to check that they would be cool to work on our time. Iam sure there might be some reverse racism type thing going on because when we line up a partner in India they are absolutely strict about it and yet when we signed up the American company it was all handshakes and nicely nice to do business witcha! :OD
You mean...There's something Americans don't control?
😂
No... but I was just trying not to sound too arrogant !
🤣
Haha, there's the Jace we know and love.
I wrote about you in my last past too. Sorry for the tag.
... and you wouldn't even let me fain humbleness.....you had to call me out !
It is good to be written about ! ... and if you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it.
Haha, well...I know you'd want me to keep you on the straight and narrow. You're welcome.
Fuck, you got me there. 😂
Nice🤩
What a lovely comment. I admire how you condensed the entire post into one word.
This is my profession.
!LOL
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Sir Render
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Thank you very much!