What in the Devil's doughnut!?
I yelled, staring at the toilet bowl.
I had just flushed after my regular morning ride on the porcelain pony and as customary in these situations had given it a bit of a flush after the dark deed was done.
Where normally that marked an introduction for that day's Ewok's Finger to the wonderful world of white water rafting, today, that was most certainly not the case.
The toilet bowl rapidly began to fill up with Oxtail Soup although of a sort that I wouldn't relish eating.
Uggggghhhhh.
I uttered manfully before hitching up my metaphorical skirts and running at full pelt from the bathroom just in case it came after me like a maddened Swamp Thing.
Some precious minutes later I peeked out from the bedroom I was hiding assessing the situation from. It seemed safe. Apart from a sonorous gluggy burping noise at one point, all had been quiet in the direction of the bathroom.
I scampered back in to see what dark devilry was being hatched in the gentleman's cauldron.
Arrrrgh!!!!
I flinched back from the sight.
It was still Oxtail Soup, a venomous brown with swirls of white taffeta twirling and skirling around the rim.
I had to face facts. The toilet was well and truly blocked.
I tried to think back to my meals of the last few days. Was this my fault? Nah, couldn't be my fault, I had eaten so many vegetables lately I was in danger of becoming a fucking hippy and travelling the world in a van.
Incidentally, where do van dwellers shit? Surely not in the tin box they sleep in?
Ewww.
What could it have been then. Of course! It must have been the Good Lady using millions of toilet paper again.
I sent her a quick Whatsapp.
FFS, sweetcheeks. You have blocked up the toilet with all that fucking minge wiping of yours.
I hit send and pondered my next move.
I would have to phone the bastard plumber and tell him my wife was a filthy toilet blocking hound of a woman.
It's no easy thing to face up to such hardships but I was man enough. I phoned the local plumber and advised them of the situation.
The whippersnapper on the phone must have had a big vagina'd wife too as he understood completely and promised a man would be out in no time.
And indeed, I had barely started sipping on a coffee when a burly bearded bugger turned up at my door with a plunger in his hand.
Blocked toilet?
He asked by way of greeting.
Yes indeed. Wife seems to have blocked it up with all her fanny pads and womanly nonsense.
Plumber Man chuckled obviously having cleaned the pipes of a wife or two.
Right give me two seconds.
He disappeared upstairs whistling a sea shanty of some sort.
The whistling stopped dead as he entered the hallowed halls of the bathroom. I chuckled and went back to my coffee in the lounge.
After ten minutes or so Plumber Man arrived back downstairs. His face was ashen and no longer did he have a spring in his step.
That's it fixed.
He said quietly looking everywhere but me.
Ha, good fucking show. Was it millions of toilet paper? I told the Good Lady, chuck it with the rampant wiping but no, she will never learn. And look! This is the sorry road it leads us down.
I tsk'd sadly.
Plumber Man raised his head.
It wasn't toilet paper. No. Not that. It was... It was a big wall of shit. A big plug of it. Never seen the like.
He shuddered and blinked as if coming out of a trance.
Anyway. All done.
He scuttled away out of the house.
Oops, not a pile of toilet paper from the Good Lady. Grimly, I realised I had to fix my mess from earlier and pulled my phone out, tapping a Whatsapp to the Good Lady.
Sorry, false alarm. It wasn't toilet paper. It was all those massive shits you do in the morning. For fuck sake lass, sort it out.
I hit send.
It wasn't easy being perfect sometimes.
Hahahaaaa.....that's hilarious! Your wife must have the patience of Job lol. Be sure to let us know what room you wind up in so we can send flowers. That's after she lays her favorite frying pan upside your pate lolol
She is awfully patient! I think the fact she has a good sense of humour usually stands me in good stead although I might not show her this post for once :OD
Only show her if you feel like living on the edge lol
Posted via Blog | D.Buzz
There are some edges it's not worth dancing near!! :0D
She is awfully patient! I think the fact she has a good sense of humour usually stands me in good stead although I might not show her this post for once :OD
She is awfully patient! I think the fact she has a good sense of humour usually stands me in good stead although I might not show her this post for once :OD
OMG you sound like my son. Dont they teach about the "courteous flush" anymore. It is easy to remember. Much like the saying for when you find yourself on fire, "Stop, Drop, Roll". The courteous flush is best summed up with..."Drop, stop, flush" For all that is Holy dont keep dropping till it piles up and breaches the surface! lol
I blame the women of the house. They are notorious for not flushing! I think with the Good Lady it stems back to the time when the kids were tiny and when sleeping the slightest noise would ake them up. It was hellish and it seems like we are now still paying the price!
Jesus you killed me at Ewok’s finger! Literally gave a great lol. I’m trying to keep quiet while the little man is sleeping but it’s hard not to audibly laugh.
You don’t have an industrial plunger in the house? That’s one of the first things I bought when we moved in together! I’ve also got a steel cable (called a steel snake) that I have as backup if it’s really a disaster. Plumbing sucks but it’s usually a cheap thing to have on hand in case people give it a clog!
I’ll never forget it, my dad and I laugh every year or so about it thinking about it but we went on a short vacation to my grandfathers house in the mountains that my dad helped build years ago. I brought a friend with me so we can go snowboarding or something, we were in our teens. My friend goes and drops a fucking dinner plate of a deuce in the toilet upstairs and sheepishly comes out of the bathroom and asks my dad for a plunger, that the toilet is clogged. My grandfather was in the other room and hears it and screams at him “I’ve lived in this house for 30 fucking years and that toilet has never been clogged! Are you fucking kidding me? Come get the god damn plunger!” And my dad and I were pissing ourselves laughing for a good hour and for weeks after that. No joke we bring it up once a year or so even though it was close to two decades ago lol. Toilet clogging is such a wild memory in our house lol
You know, i think I am going to get an industrial plunger. I am already buying the steel snake thing but a plunger would make the set complete. The guy had a big long one and that will be the type I will get. I cant take the embarrassment of another man fecking about in my shit.
That is quite the tale. I would be the same if someone else clogged up my beautiful pipes! :OD
Hahahahahaha. 😂
When Jabba is sitting on the bottom of the bowl and his head's sticking out above the water - it's a sign that fibre is needed.
Source
For 20 quid, you can always be the hero. Around my neck of the woods, it's about $100 just to think about calling a plumber.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Plumbers-Plumbing-Remover-Kitchen-Bathroom/dp/B08TC87TPT/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=3LV3PI202V61D&dchild=1&keywords=toilet+snake&qid=1625689541&sprefix=toilet+snake%2Cclothing%2C241&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFNTkY4WU5ZVDhLUkUmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTA0ODYyNDczVkVTR0JaTkk5S1hKJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA4NDA2NTUyMUIyU1VYS0lWN1I2JndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from a mate who's toilet was bunged. I went over and snaked it ... it was a bottle of contact lens solution that usually sits on the countertop that had fallen in. It was almost full, so it went right down into the bottom. Then, at the flush, it couldn't make it around the bend. It would allow a tiny bit of water by, but it wasn't moving.
But, in general, you are right ... when the little ladies get to the age where they need to start thinking about feminine hygiene but are a little embarrassed, they flush everything - even many things that should not be flushed.
My god, look at that thing. That is getting bought! Not so much for the toilet but I am thinking that would destroy the hair that constantly clogs up our bath drain. It looks blummin awesome and it is so long!!!
I didn't mind phoning the company out actually as we got a new boiler recently and to sweeten the deal they gave us free plumbing and central heating care for a year. Which made me very happy!
I am dreading that part of them getting older. Everything down there to make sure its hidden, until it has to get fished back out!!!
MAGIC!!!!!
That's what I thought and I really checked it doesn't look like they stiffed me on the price of the boiler either!
Bro... the imagery.
My mind will literally never be the same.
And the worst part? The ending was so funny that I somehow find myself enjoying the 'scouring-pad-on-my-brain' writing of all the previous paragraphs.
Your writing is pure evil and I love it.
lol. 🤣
Why thank you! I was most proud of this work, this philosophical treatise. It went way deeper than I had intended. Plumbing the depths of humanity. Yes, it will be a work that abides with me.
;0D
lol, I bet, pun-tastic stuff :D 🙏
everyone's different but personally I just shit in the woods.
Are you an Erik Don Vaniken? Superb! I have heard that other things shit in the woods too. Be careful out there :0D
Well my car isn't exactly a van because it's more accurately a car, but I do currently live the tentlife life.
Everything else that shits in the woods is less intelligent than me. I think I'll be okay.
A tent, that's much better. A tent is living life on the high road. No, not the high road, the high seas! A tent is a caravan of canvas delight!!
I do like a bit of tent living myself although the ground seems to get harder as you get a bit older
I usually pitch my tent on cloud nine, although occasionally I settle for cloud eight or even cloud seven depending on how I'm feeling that day. Sleeping on clouds definitely ameliorates the "hard ground" problem.
I will give it a try. When I was younger a sage old Chinese monk taught me how to whistle down the clouds. To this day I have never told a soul but I am telling you now. Should the secrets of the cloud whistlers die with me, them let it not die but whistle in you instead.
That's quite generous of you. In exchange I hereby impart to you the secret of how to sic mountain lions on your enemies, a skill passed down to me through the generations from the Spaniards who explored these mountains hundreds of years ago.
Now that story, as a whole, was some pure exctremental poetry Sir! 😁👍
We did have some shitty talks around the dinner table during family gatherings, back in the days.
My Mum, her Mother and all the other dames would protest, strongly.
My Grandfather then would make a statement like: "Don't care about the poop talk [LOL] would not even care if someone would take a dump on the rim of my plate. As long as it doesn't splash."
My brother and I would laugh our asses off. He sure knew how to entertain us kids. Awesome storyteller also.
Great times, tummy aches and tears laughing. Reading your tale took me back in time for a while.
No idea why, but stories that involve piss, shit, genitalia and stuff tend to make me laugh.
And then I hear in the back of my head: "Yech, men, filthy buggers them lot..._"
Luckily we have the other gender to put a brake on it now and them. Bless'm.
Thats ace!
I find I have great fun entertaining the kids at the dinner table talking about poop. Alhough those convos are indeed kaibished by the Good Lady. They just don't get it at times. Then again. It might just be squeamishness!
Long live the poo jokes/posts!
Hi @meesterboom ,ha ha ha ha, the poor man stopped whistling when he saw what you left ha ha ha, I imagine what he saw ha ha ha, apparently you did not only eat vegetables, the good lady was not to blame And yet in the end I read that the blame ha ha ha ha, it is better that you give flowers to the good lady because she is not guilty, the culprit is you and your way of eating.
Greetings
It wasnt me, I swear!!! ;O)
Or maybe it was slightly. but I will keep on blaming the Good Lady for it all. After all, I am sure she does use more toilet paper than me, lol!
What would the world be like without toilet humour?!
Lockdown Indian takeaways, or too many potatoes?
I think you nailed it with the Indians! Too many of them I think. I was literally firing out Bungle's Thumbs!!
I thought it had been a post or two since I descended into the abyss of the bog :OD
Vindaloo vindaloo la laaaaa
Heheheh, never got that bad but one day.. you just never know!!!
Apt song considering the result!
Yep, not a great performance but the final awaits. Italy will be tough, they are wily fuckers!
They are, one of my bosses down south blurted out in the team meeting this morning that he didn't like Italians and they were sneaky. I totally chuckled as he was still half pished
Shame there weren't any Italians on the call :D
Today has been a slow one for me, damn you booze!
Hahahahahhaha, thankfully not this time!
But there might always be a next!
You have a splendid line of shit videos! Is that an oxymoron? :D
The whisoering winds of shit... That is masterful! lol
Congrats buddy.
I'm growing out my hair and pondering whether I should buy a van. Apparently a lot of converters say a composting toilet with a small exhaust fan is a good solution. I'd rather build a shit sprayer to deter tailgaters.
On second thought, I don't think I'll make a good hippie. Excuse me while I get a haircut.
Get that hair chopped son!! You aint never gonna make no hippy with ideas like that!
I like it though, a defensive/offensive shit sprayer. Its almost too good for those tailgating sumsabitches!
That story is going to haunt that plumber down the generations XD
And how are you still alive XD
I have 9 lives!! Probably down to about 2 now, hahahahhahah!!
Now how does one answer a skit like this?
Sooner or later you will have to learn some toilet plumbing, especially as in a few years time plumbers fees will rise to equal the cost of a house.
It can also become a lucrative sideline as you can then use your new skills to unblock all of the other toilets in the surrounds methinks :)
That's of course if the missus hasn't offed you to the home planet before then :)
I did give it a bash by finding a particularly bendy stick in the garden and giving it a right old shoogle down the U-Bend but to no avail. All I ended up with was a poor looking stick and an even swirlier mess of a toilet.
I'm not entirely sure its a skill I want to improve upon ;O)
Hahaha, Marian was laughing as I read your post to her. Minus the swear words of course and she was teasing me about my own hippie days. The only difference is that I had a bike and mother nature took care of my needs.
Thats the way to do it. I wouldn't mind adding about on a bike and living outside wherever I ended up. I get a bit baffled by the new wave of Van Campers! I bet you loved those days!
Oh yeah, I still have very fond memories of those wild and free days my friend.
It was an "anything goes" chapter of my life, but then the army called and after 2 years of that my new girlfriend fell pregnant and I was anchored for the next 18 years.
At least you had those years before it and I bet there were some fine times in that eighteen years. Although, it probably aged you twice as much!
Indeed it made me old before my time and it's a sad story for another time my friend.
Save it to say that the kids turned out great and they are all over 40 now.
I would have used your head as a plunger, I have the same with my hubby's poop making, disgusting 😑
It's the ladies!!! It cant be us magnificent men. Our perfumed brown otters slide gracefully down the pipes for the promised lands!!!
As my hubby says off to drop the kids at the pool. Its an everyday occurence, you all should be made to go poop in the field.
It's the ladies!!! It cant be us magnificent men. Our perfumed brown otters slide gracefully down the pipes for the promised lands!!!
Your heads are stuck in the promised land as for men's asses they should all be condemned, you lot poop evilness 👿💩
Maybe its because we have to consume so much to have the energy to provide for those we love!!! ;O)
When was the last time you did anything for your wife and i dont mean housework as that's both your jobs... haha
Sometimes I swish my hair to the side and stand slightly side on in a gentle breeze so she can admire my rugged almost beyond human good looks. They say I am a pleaser!
Hahaha you have me in hysterics, i can just imagine you chest puffed out stomach pulled in, what a magnificent site. Does your wife realise how much she is haha
Maybe its because we have to consume so much to have the energy to provide for those we love!!! ;O)
Seems like you'll be calling the plumber again after your wife gives a swirly
It could be my new thing. Maybe he and I shall become Brohams, fighting the rising tide of grime in the pipes of the city! I mean, I work in an office but you know, I could do with a change! :OD
Van dwellers shit in a 5 gallon bucket and cover their turds with sawdust to eliminate the smell..
I think I would rather shit in the woods!! ven in the middle of the night!
Composting toilets with a vent out the side. Very nice.
Vankers!