Looks like you might have put on a few pounds mate?
The comment was thrown my way casually like a knife made of bile.
Aye, so have you, you FAT PIE-MUNCHING BASTARD!
I roared like a Lion protecting the penis receptacles that were his herd.
My friend Daz darted in and prodded my sexy flat stomach before giving me a man hug of heterosexuality.
Hey you, what about social distancing?
I tried to sound stern but I was pleased to see the salty blighter. I hadn't seen him since the start of lockdown and I realised I had missed meeting real people for real in the flesh.
And here I was, in the local park, finally seeing a proper someone that wasn't immediate family or some tit on a laptop screen.
I stepped back and surveyed him, underfoot the grass squeaked slightly.
Ach, fuck the distancing mate. Nobody else gives a fuck any more. You been to the shops lately?
Daz shook his head at the folly of man.
He was right. I had been at the supermarket at the weekend and far from being a socially distanced sparsely populated affair, it was like a Roman orgy but with less nakedness and more sandals.
Very true mate, very true.
I reached forward and gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder.
Nearby a man was walking his dog and gave us a stern look. I am not sure if it was a stern look because we looked to be breaking lockdown social distancing rules or if it were because we were breaking The Code by displaying manly signs of affection.
Check that cunt?
Growled Daz, frowning in the direction of the man and his dog.
Aye, prick.
I agreed happily in the way of the Scottish, which is to only be happy if we refer to everyone in a sweary obscenity kind of way.
Should we grab him and stick his yappy wee dog up his arse?
Daz smiled wolfenly.
We were both without our kids and our wives. The question hung in the air like smoke.
I looked over at the man who continued to glare at us whilst looking to be either mumbling something under his breath or chewing something mooky.
Nah, leave him. It's not the eighties mate. So how has lockdown been with three kids?
It's been balls mate but to be honest having three kids is balls so I haven't totally noticed the difference. Oh look, he's coming over?
Daz pointed at the dog man who was marching over waving some kind of orange plastic stick in his hand.
Looks really angry? Maybe we should stick his dog up his arse?
I mused as the man approached to within a few metres.
Are you going to give me the ball or what?!
Dog-Man sputtered angrily.
What fucking ball?
I grunted, glancing down at his dog to see if it looked to be a willing arse-spelunker or if it would have to be forced.
The ball you have been standing on for five minutes. The ball I have been politely asking for. You have been ignoring me!?!
The man bleated indignantly as if he were one of our girls handing in a short roll after a night on the corner.
I looked down at the ground and noticed a spongey-looking chewed up ball half under my foot. I moved my foot and it squeaked slightly.
Oh, was that what the squeaking was. Aye, there you go.
I kicked the ball over to him and his yappy dog.
Dog-Man harrumphed and walked away with his lucky-it-wasn't-inserted-into-a-rectum dog.
Balls, eh. That's lockdown in a nutshell!
I laughed.
Daz joined in.
Yep, fucking balls.
Maybe you infused the squeaking of the ball for that of your joints after an extended period of lockdown?
I'm disappointed though, a better conclusion would have been you and Daz inserting that dog into his nether regions. Fancy him wanting that ball back! Selfish fucker.
I do feel I need something for my squeaky joints man! This lockdown seems to have made me age another ten years in the creaking department!
Yeah, he was an arse, in another life he would be shitting dog for days :OD
Lol @ shitting dog.
Rally the old bones brother, it's the weekend soon!
The old bones are getting marshalled and told to behave themselves! At least for the next few days!
They can go back to creaking and groaning at 9am Monday.
Hehe, with my two German shepherds, if you had been stepping on their ball, they would let you know. I'd simply watch the fun from the sidelines.
They are not aggressive to others, but they would most likely be snarling at each other as they determined who was going to be the one who picked up the ball. It's a terrifying sight if you don't know that they are just deciding who gets the ball first. Sort of like two Scots debating who gets the last beer. (After consuming the first 11)
Lol, yes. I must say that if I saw someone with a big dog or two and I thought I might be standing on or near there ball I would be like, yeek and away from it!
I do have a magical way with dogs right enough. They seem to love me!
Should have given the old twat the "who made me the ball monitor for you and your fucking ass explorer???
Haha, I should have. I was in an exceptionally good mood though!!
Hello dear friend @meesterboom good afternoon
You are a genius, I did not imagine such an ending.
Who would have believed, that all the drama was under your feet.
Well done, you got what you deserved.
I wish you a beautiful afternoon
It was a very great surprise. I am flash they're ready something under me and he didn't just want a fight!!
Truth be told, Dog-Man got it cheap, he could have ended up with his dog on his tracero and all for a sad chewed ball.
He might have ended up being the ball!!! ;0)
That if I do not wish anyone, Dog-Man having the luck of the ball. For that reason there is no need to argue on the street, much less about a dog's toy.
Some people live for the arguing sadly enough
Here we are just as confused. Cinemas and restaurants and hairdressers will open , Shops are open and you stand among a lot of people in a row but you may not visit friends and no smoking. You may go to a hotel and sleep over and do whatever you want but social distance bla bla..........so at the end of the day it looks like everybody is just doing what they want. This virus has turned our country into a bigger mess than what it was. I would like to use that dog for a few of our ministers hahaaha
It is wild. There seem so many contradictory messages coming out now. I still feel like I can't do anything but sooner people are literally back to normal!!
This reminded me of some scene from the original Trainspotting. I watched it with HootMon who's a decendent of nearby Cumbernauld who could understand every word Begbie said, I could pick up around 50% of it.
The American version had mandatory subtitles. I could have used them.
We love begbie!! He is genuinely just so typical. Which is horrifying in a way. My brother was very like him when younger. Scary stuff!!
Hahaha. I think you were so much in the happy moment of meeting your friend that not even a squeeky ball could interrupt the manly affection moment. Actually, it does feel good to see real people after lockdown. A bit weird, but nice. Human.
Actually, you are right, it was a tiny bit weird but a nice weird. It shows how weird it is going to be when lockdown ends and we can't get all gnarly when people brush against us in supermarkets or don't cover their face!
Hahaha true
Oh yeah they have thrown out the social distancing and you can tell all the tough guys have ditched the masks. Of course we are spiking back up in cases...
I saw that. I expect we will be spiking up too shortly. It seems that with the public it's all or nothing. As soon as the measures are relaxed everyone just quits!