King Of All Things Goose

in #life6 months ago


Hooonk honk honk honk... Hooonk honk honk honk.

The Geese paddled below our loch-side cabin and enthusiastically discussed all matters goose with one another.

This is lovely isn't it?

Breathed the Good Lady contentedly, looking out over the balcony to the black watery depths below where the Geese played titsy-my-bitsy with each other.

Aye, fucking magic.

I said, savaging a crudely boiled egg with a knife that was blunter than a Welshman's wit.

I had arranged a cabin up in the bitter North for our family to have a staycation thanks to all the covid shit.

The Good Lady had been surprised.

Up North, at this time of year? Won't it be freezing?

Her hands fluttered back and forth like vampire bats scenting blood.

Cold? Oh milady, if it gets too cold I will warm you up with a nice hot boaby.

I grinned as she did before we burst out laughing at the very idea our children would entertain the idea of giving us ten minutes of uninterrupted rumpy pumpy time.

And so, we had found ourselves up in the highest reaches, on the side of Ben Shankie overlooking a small loch.

Which is what the Scots call a lake because we are cunts that way and it can entertain us for hours hearing people pronounce it wrongly.

Grunting, I managed to bury the blunt knife into the egg making it spill its yolky guts onto my toast.

I was hungover, everything seemed like an effort. Even appreciating the view from our balcony seemed like an effort. And the geese. Hot bloody fucks, the geese were killing me.

Honk honk honk.

It never seemed to end.

I sneaked a peak over the balcony. Below, the water seethed with geese, the water frothing thanks to their big flappy feet.

One of the geese was larger than the rest. His demented honk, a cross between a quack and a bass'y fart. He was obviously the boss man.

He looked up and for a moment our eyes met.

I am the King of all things Goose.

His eyes seemed to say.

I am the man that will stick an apple up your arse and roast you in the fucking oven if there is any more of this mad honking shit.

My own eyes flashed back.

King Goose turned away, letting out a sad sounding honk, his big flappy feet pushing him out into the loch.

Aw, the geese are moving off

Exclaimed the Good Lady her brow furrowing in disappointment.

Yeah, they've gone...

I nodded thoughtfully.

... for now.


Ok...Doesn't seem like there could be too many ways to pronounce loch.

  • Lock
  • Lotch
  • Losh
  • Loach
  • Loak
  • Lock-h

Ah fuck it...You Scots are too fucking complicated...Just call it a fucking lake!

Have a good staycation with Mrs. Boom and the Boomettes!

P.s. You need the old G-dog and his shotgun there.

I think that last one seems pretty close, it's a soft ch damn. I am struggling to describe the bloody should myself. Like when you clear your throat!!

A shotgun would do the trick!

Righto mate...You're going to have to do a tutorial on loch pronunciation. 🙂

Haha, I was thinking a video might be the only way to show it!!

Do it.

Not an order of course, more of a firmly worded statement of encouragement.

Heh heh, I recognise a firmly worded statement when I see one!!

Just in case you thought I was the loch police ordering you to perform lochish videos.

I like me a decent loch you know...One day I'll come over to Scotlandia and find that bloody lochness monster for you buggers.

I have no doubt you will find it and come back to shore astride the big girl Nessie!!!

I bet they do have loch police on some of the bigger ones, lolz! :0D

Today is a county holiday in Yuma County Arizona. Opening day of dove season. People come from all over the world to kill the noisy, messy bastards.

Every minute of every day and night for 11 months of the year they are have unabashed public sex and even worse, talk loudly about it. It's a regular uproar.

Which is just to say that I don't feel really bad about your goose difficulty. I suffer every single day.

I'm a little confused. Is it the doves or the people that come to kill them that have unabashed public sex? 🤔

It's definitely the doves having sex. The hunters are out now (about 45 minutes to sun up) will do all their slaughter by 0800 and spend the rest of their day drinking heavily. ALL the bars set up dove cleaning stations so their patrons can clean the little buggers and drink at the same time.

But wait. Bars are closed in Yuma because of our 15% infection rate. I'd say the motel sinks are going to take a beating today...

I feel for the motel cleaners when they've gone...

Exactly that!

I didn't know there was such a thing as dove season. I thought everyone loved the critters!! My problem has abated so you have my sympathies!!!


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Uh oh. You're gonna have to watch it now. King Goose might come back with a bigger army choir with more louder honks and cover the cabin with goose crap D:

I am sleeping with one eye open. Ready for the GUANO-STORM!!!


hello dear friend @meesterboom good afternoon
The worst that can happen to you when you are on vacation is that in the lake that you plan to enjoy its tranquility, a flock of goose is installed
What a bad luck yours, luckily the goose boss understood your look
enjoy dear friend

I am sure he will be back but for now, the coast is clear!! Cheers @jlufer!!

Apparently the covid has allowed animals to enjoy more than us humans, those geese did not want to be admired, they wanted to have fun, what envy and one here locked up

They are free indeed, unlike us caged hens!!

My place just went back into lockdown!

Phew! Thank goodness it wasn't with the one-eyed goose with cataracts in his only eye that you exchanged glances of understanding.

Hahaha! Yes, I am very glad it wasn't that one!!!

Is the reason they call it a loch because they can't tell the difference between a puddle and a pond? Kind of how some English and Americans think of the Atlantic as a pond?

Haha, I think it's Gaelic. Although contrary to popular belief outside of Scotland not a lot of is here think much of Gaelic!!!

There could be some puddle pond confusion though!!! 🤣🤣

Oh a cabin and some rumpy pumpy time? I am sure that your knee healed if you're having such great plans!

It might not be 100% but it ain't far from it!! :0)

All of my best wishes, may you have a Spartan knee after all of this hahha

Sounds like you've had a good demonstration as to why geese were used as guardians on farms. Great alarms, apparently.

Really!! I can imagine because there is no sleeping or resting whilst they are having a honkfest!!

Seems like the head goose read your mind/eyes.

They are pretty loud - much fuss about bugger all it seems.

Enjoy the hols, got a shotgun?

I might need to tap up Gunmeister Galen for an express delivery!

It is good though. Very relaxing oddly and I managed not to use my stick today, hurrah!!!

!ENGAGE 30 !

Why shoot ONE when you could gas them all with a simple hand grenade? You gotta think in scale in order to be successful, my friend.

And from experience: Leave that big old bastard for somebody else to feed on. Those old geese are tougher than shoe leather. You take a nice big bite and as you chew it gets bigger and bigger and bigger in your mouth.

You want one of the young, untested ganders. Just sayin'

All advice gratefully accepted!!

I shall approach the squinty eyed man who gave us the keys. He looked like the kind of man that works have a shed full of ordinance!.

At the very least a spear! :0D

Any port in a storm, say I!

I used to say that all the time! A very popular saying in Glasgow! Hehe

@galenkp will sort you out - he'll have the lake cleared in no time.

No stick today? Did you throw it at boss Goose?

It was nearby enough to throw but I saved it for intruders in the night.

He would be in his element here. It's the deep dark woods!

... I saved it for intruders in the night.

Ahh cunning, the old man card!

Hahahaha!!! If the cap fits and I have the old man cap, them I must wear it!!


I'm up for a bit of goose clearing. 😁

Noisy buggers.

savaging a crudely boiled egg with a knife that was blunter than a Welshman's wit.

Ooohh.. a dig at the welsh, @grindle is gonna be upset at you, I am assuming he is Welsh as he speaks that strange lingo..

I didn't insult their king, Tom Jones so I should be ok... :0D

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