You are a very lucky man, mate.
I said sombrely to my Brother as we pulled up outside his house in the car.
How?
Replied my brother Big D in the manner of Scottish folk who say how when they actually mean why.
There are many theories as to why this is but my idea is that why just isn't aggressive enough for Glasgow.
Seriously, try saying why aggressively. You can't, you just sound like a snivelling wretch. HOW? on the other allows a good furrowing of the brow and a great ape-like 'O'ing of the lips.
Truly, the joys of living in Scotland are beyond counting.
How? Fucking how? Because you had a stroke and it is the second one, you never told anyone about the first one because you didn't want to bother anyone, and here you are. Still alive, mostly still in working condition.
I took a calming breath as I opened the door and got out of the car.
That is how you are lucky. Some people can't walk without a stick after a stroke. Some people can't think properly after a stroke and you? Well, apart from being a bit more annoying you seem alright and the Hospital let you out after a mere week! You are lucky to even be alive.
I slammed my car door shut to emphasise my point.
Aye, suppose so. Did you check my lottery tickets?
He came round and joined me as we walked in his gate and down the path to his door.
No, I fucking well didn't. The Lottery is a scam. It's just a tax on the poor.
We both rolled our eyes at this. Me because I fucking hate the lottery and him because he fucking loves it and truly believes that every time the draw is made he will win and be reclining on a yacht in the Balearics with David Guetta spinning the decks whilst sultry bikini-clad sirens totter about on heels bearing trays heavily laden with exotic drinks and cocaine.
We got to his front door and I stepped in front to wrestle with the lock which was stiffer than a vegan waking up in a field of plantain.
Oh yeah. There is a surprise inside, for you getting out.
I opened the door and motioned him inward.
Whit surprise?
He looked suspicious. The way all Scottish folk do when someone does something nice for them because they expect to get stabbed after it.
Taada!!!!!
I threw open his living room door and ushered him in.
What the fuck is this?
He stared aghast at the sight before him.
The furniture and the carpet had been pushed to the sides of the room. On the bare floorboards, a giant pentagram had been crudely daubed in rough crimson strokes on the floor. Candles flickered from each of the points of the pentacle.
The body of a goat with a gaping wound in its neck lay nearby along with a discarded paintbrush.
What's going on?!
My brother turned, his jaw slack with panic.
Well, my good Broham! I said you were lucky to be alive... But you should know... No one escapes the dark lord so easily. NO, YOU CHEATED DEATH ITSELF AND NOW I CONSIGN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!
I placed a palm flat on his chest and thrust him into the room sending him stumbling into the pentagram which exploded downward in a fiery avalanche sucking him and the body of the Goat swiftly out of sight.
I raised my hands and laughed evilly over the swiftly diminishing screams.
Mohohohoawaaahr!
You opening the door or what?
Big D nudged me impatiently out of my daydream on the doorstep.
Oh yeah, sorry. Was somewhere else for a minute.
I lifted the key to the lock and turned with a half smile on my face.
Good to get you home, and oh yeah, I meant to say...
I turned the key with a click.
There is a surprise inside, for you getting out...
LOL! I'd love someone to film this with full-on CGI. Make it happen!
Haha, that would be awesome. I think he would get a kick out of that too! Where are all those CGI folk when you need them! :OD
The uncle had a stroke and was eager for another one on the other side to level him out.
I'd way prefer a heart attack myself.
It think I would prefer a straight up something instead of a stroke. At least a heart attack is something you can come back from if it's severe!
You forgot to say that you guys were driving a black impala jamming out to highway to hell and your real names are actually Sam and Dean! Am i right?
I'm glad brosef is doing well and he is extremely lucky indeed! What was the surprise though? Was it beer?
!PIZZA
Haha, now that world be a fine thing to be like those two! Well, I didn't catch the end of it all so hopefully that's still the case!!
The present was awesome. It was two rubber gloves and a bottle of bleach based cleaning spray.
When I checked on his house for him when he was in there I was appalled at the fecking state of it. It was filthy!! So I left him the cleaning stuff and told him to get his shit together 🤣🤣
!LOL clearly, the lord didn't want him till he cleaned up his act! Classic! Brotherly love!
I actually started watching again on season 8 - nothing beats the first few seasons. It's just background noise now. I know I'm going to be disappointed with the ending! But yeah! I'm just a sucker. Did you see Sam is now the new Walker, texas ranger lol.
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I have only dropped in on them now and then when for whatever reason they are on the TV so Ididnt know!
I like that, I think Iwill use it on him. He didn't get taken as he still had work left to do here :OD :OD
Hahaha your daydreams are funnier than mine. LoveHate relationships with kin...I totally get it.
I'm glad he's okay 🦋
Love/hate is exactly the thing!
I am glad too, it was a torrid week. Now I can get back to beers and fun! :0)
I'm so sorry, I know it can't be easy and must have come as quite a shock. I'm relieved for you that he's ok, strokes can be bad but it sounds like he wasn't too badly affected.
I hope this week up ahead is far more of an even keel one for you. 🦋
Strokes are the devils invention that is for sure. Apart from being a bit slower and possibly (oddly) a little cheerier he doesn't seem to badly affected. Cant drive for a month and then has to apply for it but all in all, a lucky escape!
This week will be magic! Cheers lass :O)
Awesome read.
Like... I read it slowly and savoured each word kinda read.
This one is special. Fuckin' funny (as always)... but also liddle bit sentimental.
And henceforth "how" shall replace "why" in my vocabulary. Outstanding!! 👏
How?
Lol, it is quite fun if you use it deliberately! :0)
Oh... I'm going to use it with the Scottish frown for sure!
That's gonna be even more fun! 😈
The Scottish accent too and boom! You are a slightly aggressive mad sounding winner 🤣🤣
I'm so on it right now 🤨😆
They will think you crazy!!
Meh
Don't they all? :D
Brother love! Glad to hear he's doing well!
Now I need to know what the surprise is! I can't unsee that goat head without another image to take its place.
Confess!!
Hi, Boom!
Hola Missy!!!
The present was fab, it was a bleach based spray cleaner stuck right in the middle of the table with some cleaning gloves because his house was a fetid pit of filth and I couldn't believe he had been living in it like that! :OD
Ha! Tell me, did he laugh or give you daggers of death? I haven't been to a fetid pit of filth in a long time, well, maybe never, but, I will just take your word for it that it was disgusting.
You know what? I think you should get him a house cleaning from an agency or otherwise for a Christmas gift. Once he has it cleaned, perhaps he might take better care of it? At least it will be better for his health.
That really was a thoughtful gift. :)
He was sulky about it. He belligerently said that he already had dettol cleaning spray and he didn't need a new one, You would never know he already had one.
I thought about getting him a deep clean but I actually think it is beyond what a deep clean would touch. I was pretty horrified by what it has become. It almost reminded me of a house that slobberchops would do an urban explore on. Its our family home as well and that rankles a bit that he is just letting it go to ruin.
Next I will get him an eviction notice, maybe he will take more notice of that :O)
I had one of my houses almost ruined by a family member. Without going into detail hefe, I wish I had asked them to leave sooner.
It was mess nobody shoukd ever havecto clean or repair.
Yes!! It reminded me of slobberchops urban escapades!
Boot him! I was way too nice!
I think I am way too nice. I promised my dear old mum I wouldn't kick him out. Do the great I can hope for is to shake him into not wrecking the joint!!
Family home. That's right. I wouldn't be able to boot him either. This was a temporary solution to a house foreclosure. I was helping him get back on his feet. For 5 years????? I didnt actually boot him, but had to ask him to leave.
I helped him find a place him and his wife could afford... you can't boot him, but that ounce of prevention... maybe he will get tired of living that way.
How true this is. My family bought many lottery tickets in the past, and the winning numbers were almost always beside the numbers we bet. We won only a few times, but the winning amount was equivalent (or only a little bit higher) than the price of the lottery ticket. Maybe a very few people win the lottery, but most of the people lose.
And the statement above is also true for the casinos. The house always win in long term. And both of these things are ruining many families. This is a personal experience. My step-father (maybe my real father, but only a blood examination would tell) wasted a lot of money on lottery and in casinos. And on alcohol too.
He was very violent. Especially when he was drunk. He stole money from my mother. And once (when my mother questioned him about the disappeared money) he hit her in the head so hard that even the pillow on the bed became covered with blood. We often have not had enough food as a child. Sometimes a slice of cheese was the dinner.
Amongst other things, this is why we escaped from him. My mother did everything for us. She loved us more than anything. But we grew up without a loving father. Nowadays I live with my brother. Our mother died because of brain tumor (cancer) on 2017.12.17. Only one week before Christmas. She was 64 years old.
This is not a fiction, but my personal life experience.
Very good for those, who grew up in a loving family.
It is hard to lose a parent. It always seems so unfair when the pillars of our youth become old and then are gone. Christmas time just doubles the blow almost.
Your stepfather sounds like a bad one. I hope you never had any more contact with him through the years.
The house always wins, that is ultimately the truth. Unless you don't play their games!
"because they expect to get stabbed after it."
That made me laugh... again.
Was the surprise a package of assorted chocolates, frogs and the sort ??
Cleaning spray and gloves. He has been living like a hobo I found when I went into his house during the week. Maybe not a hobo but in utter filth and disgraceful bachelorness. It was in the kind of state that you wouldn't want to sit down or use the toilet or accept anything from the kitchen. I was a tad blunt about cleaning the place up and not being a lazy bastard!
Ohhhhhh.... yuck !
But it was more than kind of you to clean it up.
... a tad blunt.... I'm suspicious that may be an understatement. 😄
Lol, yeah. I told him to get his fucking act together and stop living like a manky lazy bastard. :OD
It's always fun to give an evil laugh. Sometimes it's needed to keep the normies away 😶.
I try to squeeze out an evil laugh at least once a day! :OD
We often say How instead of Why too here. The Scottish and Irish are alike in a lot of ways I find.
Ha ha, I'm with you, I call it a tax on people who are bad at maths..
Lol. It is a tax in those kind of people!! 🤣🤣
That's cool, I think I might have noticed that in the past. My mate is from Norn Ireland and now that I think about it I gave heard think saying it loads!!
I'm sure you could find some form of stroke joke in the above description... but I'll ignore it.
I lost a mate to a stroke a couple of weeks ago. Make sure you give your brother a man-hug every once in a while.
Sorry to hear about your mate. We have been doing fist bumps. My dad shuffled off this mortal coil to a stroke and one of my friends had one recently which left him walking with a stick.
I do like to think yo can find a joke in anything. Strokes are unfortunate in their very name!
I'd like to see an obit where it states... He completely stroked off into another plane.
It makes me imagine a meteor shower of a special kind...
Haha, yeah. I do appreciate a humorous obit. Few and far between!
Back in the 1980's, while playing softball, we used to read the obit's in the local newspaper. (It was our custom - while our team was at bat)
There was one for a Bertha Bumchuckle.
It was a couple paragraphs. Everything but the name seemed real... so we had to conclude that ... some very cruel parents had named their kid horribly.
For use tween's, it was the funniest thing we had ever heard!!!
A quick Google search couldn't validate my claim .... but I got close....
https://ottawacitizen.remembering.ca/obituary/bertha-butt-1071649258
Bumchuckle would be the finest name ever!!!
For whatever strange reason I remember when we were young a few of us lads would read them too. How peculiar is that and why the hell would we? It's normally the province of those who are getting on a bit..
Unless you find a bumchuckle!!! :0D
Hehehehehe. I love how dramatic you made this one. Nice learning all these bits about Scottish people, it's just sad you guys can't pull off Satanic stunts like that but only daydream about it. In my country we can. Muahahahahah😃
Muhuhuwahhhr!!!
We can too but you have to pretend that you can't so the fragile folk don't get the pitchforks our and organise a burning!!!
Hahahaha
Yeah, we all know the Good Lady already does that for you, just substituting your back deck for a ship deck, but the rest of us can dream, can't we?
Hehehe, she can only do iot for about two months of the year. The rest of the time the back deck is a frigid tundra! :OD
Makes me happy to hear you guys got through this. Don't tell him his wish to win the lottery actually came true, and coming out of there with another chance to play, was the prize.
Haha, that kind of deep thinking is beyond him even before the strokery!
He doesn't know that after dropping him off I went straight to the balearics to spend time on my new yacht bought with his lottery winnings. Dang them girls are HAWT! :OD
The cocaine is on the way but will be a little late. Trafficking in traffic again.
Translation aid for blurt level reading impaired: Joke
All hail the great cocaine shipments!!!
And hell!!! ;0)
Do you smell something, melting?
I mell something selting down!!
Your ability to type?
Mooohooohahahahaha
You do such a great job of painting pictures with words (and making me laugh hard enough to spit out my tea). : )
Thank you Mr W! If I can raise a smile I am a happy man! :OD
You are welcome! You make me laugh with every post. You seriously should consider comedy writing.
Hehe, I have at times. I should actually do something about it!
I'll have to check the plantain field for stray vegans..
Watch them! Seedy plantain loving bastards! :OD
You scots are bad influences as I just practiced the word HOW on my wife and instead of me looking impressive, she laughed and asked where I picked that word up.
Answer was easy, as I said Meesterboom.
Say no more she answered :D
HAhahahahahahaha!!! It is a fine word when said in a Scots accent with an emphasis on the OW
I can imagine her face now! :OD
Sorry, we had a power cut and at 8pm another one today. Next week we will have 3 power cuts per day.
I can in no ways do a scots accent, as I am a normal human being :)
You know women well my friend :OD
3 in a day, yeek!
We are rumoured to be heading for some this winter, I hope not in the cold to come!
Just back on now after the latest power cut and it is really not pleasant.
So I went down to the ocean to get some sunset shots.
Winter is a very bad time to get the power cuts, unless you have a fireplace in your house.
It must be nice to get out to the ocean no problem! We have to drive for 40 mins!
We don't have any fireplaces. It we did but they are all blocked up
Ocean is only 6km away and I used to walk it. No more as my left knee is gone.
Here is something for you!
The wifes sister and husband are coming over from Glasgow for Christmas , if you could summon a suitable daydream for him I'd be grateful.
He thinks Kevin Bridges is a documentarian and looks at me like something the cat dragged in when I yell...
...at him whenever I see him.
TIA for your kind help in this matter.
PS I can easily get a goat but sacrificial virgins maybe a tad tricky.
Hehe! I loved that Kevin Bridges sketch.
They are feeling exotic coming to this fine town for Christmas! I will go and source a goat, immediately!! :0D
That's so funny what you're saying about the use of the word "How," because I generally avoid using the word "why" for a similar reason. The word "Why" when asked of someone carries a judgement with it, so I generally avoid using it. I've never thought of "How" as being aggressive lol 🤣
You can probably say it quite unagressively but it seems that the Scots don't know how as it were. Your average normal conversation if you were to overhear can sound like a fight is about to erupt at any moment!
Lmao 😂 that's hilarious.
This made me laugh. Do female vegans also go stiff or just their nipples? ;>)
And talking about lottery, I guess you're brother isn't invested in crypto ( although some would call this a lottery too ).
Glad you didn't actually voodoo your brother haha!
Something will go stiff on them thats for sure! All that long veg!
He did have an account here way back in the beginning. Didnt do much with it right enough. Has a few hundred HP which if it ever goes moon crazy I will let him know about!
He ios safe from the voodoo... this time ;OO)
I hope they found the cause so there'll not be a third! Am glad he's ok (and that you didn't send him on a rather unique one way tropical vacation 🤣)
He sounds stubborn 😂
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You know, it was hard getting info out of them but I am not entirely sure they did find the cause just ramped up his pills and sent him out with further scans to come!
He is very stubborn!!
Who knows, maybe being stubborn is what let him survive this mess!
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I hope so! He does seem pretty immortal in many respects!
I know a guy like that, more lives than a whole houseful of cats :) ...
Sometimes I call him the immortal jellyfish :OD
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How, haha the American wife has been here for years and still gets wound up by How🤣
Its awesome isnt it? Someone saays something and they get the big questioning HOW? A guy I work with is from Deep down south and despite having been here for years gets pissed off at it every time!
lol I can feel his pain 🤣
I think people who wouldnt normally say it ending up saying it to hear him go off on a use of words rant :OD
haha yes I have been know to say to wind people up right enough 😂
Another great episode! I particularly like this one: "Lottery (is) just a tax on the poor" !LOL
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Hi @meesterboom, your brother already got rid of a heart attack and you making that kind of jokes, I don't know whether to laugh or worry, I better laugh haaaaaa, you're cruel, well I guess your brother already knows that you make that kind of jokes
He knows me very well! I only joke when it is safe to do so. I am hoping he is over the worst of it now! :0D
LOL your tale hits pretty close to home. Brother lives next door to me and we do butt heads sometimes which leads to daydreams such as yours.
Yeah, sometimes I look at other people and their close-knit games and I think, how does that work? Lol. Probably just jealous
lol true...we actually love each other dearly but boy, is he stubborn and he says I am hardheaded hahaa.
Haha, I think you might have a better relationship with yours than I have with mine. We fought for years and only stopped as we got really older!
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