Today I found myself yet again in the deep hole of nothingness, which is often the state of mind between happiness and sadness, with a little spice of amotivation. Nothing felt enjoyable. From watching movies to playing games, everything felt like a chore. My earlier article was something I penned down two days ago and was unable to post after a long day on the road. So you can say I have done nothing today.
Today was supposed to be my day off. Although that doesn’t cancel out coding or writing and I was able to achieve one of those goals–writing. I have barely scratched the surface of my solidarity course and It's barely two weeks until the end of the Bootcamp and I am to present a project afterwards.
One of the awful things about adulting is the struggle between joggling one’s aspirations and reality. They never really match or balance off for most people. I would love to spend some hours coding but I have to hit the road tomorrow because I have bills to pay and by the time I get home I would be too tired to look at my computer. I suppose this internal struggle is the reason for indifference and displeasure.
I am partially worried about my indifference towards everything these days. There isn't anything I can care about (well asides from my family). Even some of the most addictive things like social media and games don't cut it anymore. I am leaning towards spirituality to unravel this supposed emptiness. As earlier said, I am neither sad nor happy. I just don't care and that's not a good feeling.
The only time I can say I feel different is around my partner. Asides from the feeling of comfort I have around her, she is the only one that dares to pop my mental bubble. When I am not with her I am in the prison of my mind calculating and speculating. As much as I love her, I do not want my sense of peace to be external considering that at some point I will need to be the beacon of light, I need to get myself out of this rot.
The only thing that comes close to my partner's presence is my time on the road. When I am on the road I am never alone. It is a soothing feeling I cannot put into words. Driving does to me what writing used to do – provide me with a means of escape.
Those with a piece on their conscience will attest to the fact that posting isn't as fulfilling as it once was–if it ever was (something). There are instances where I get genuine rapport with people, but for the most part, it is a soulless grind where the money is the major motivator, and I am trying to make my peace with that fact. On the positive side, I can always write what I want and share it which can create a positive feedback loop and make this whole endeavour worthwhile.
So I ended up with two articles for the day. The last time I achieved such a feat was able a year ago. Maybe the writer is still in me. Asides from my mood, this hasn’t been a terrible day.
Philippians 4:6
“The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Have you thought about looking for a home church? The extra support system, and the motivation could really be refreshing :) ...
Sometimes the best course of action for that is to just jump in, and deny yourself movies, TV and games until it's finished. Get the whole thing done at once so it's over?
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spending time with my family helps. I work on Sundays so I can make It to service physically but I join online. My partner is also supportive. I can all these factors help in their way. things would have been a lot worse without them
true that... I will make progress. A step at a time
I know :) It's just that until then you have that extra pressure looming over you :( ...
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