2021 had a rough start.

Not only for me but for many among us! Covid still dominates the whole world and there are still people dying in aweful circumstances!
While I am not someone who complains I do feel the need to show how this all effects me. So, this post might feel a bit like a rant and for some it might even seem like a cry for attention! But, let me tell you, it's really not! I just believe in being honest and life is not always sunshine! We embraced the fact that people show their real faces more and more on the interwebs, wrinkles are amazing, body shaming is something off the past and there is way more understanding for each other as a whole. On the other hand, I feel there is still a whole lot of work to be done when it comes to mental health issues and how people react to that subject!

In 2018 my life finally changed for the better! At that point I was fighting my mental health issues for almost 10 years! In those 10 years I had my good moments but they mostly only lasted a month. What was I fighting? I have a severe form of a personality disorder and anxiety. This caused me to also develope agorafobia! Because one problem never is enough, I embraced them all and this caused a full stop of my life! I did not go outside, I did not see people and I was seriously scared the moment my doorbell rang! I tried many different kinds of therapy but only found the right one in 2017! This is the moment my life slowly started to move in the right directions. I could open the door, I could take a few steps outside and I could meet up with people again after a few months. I am blessed that I found the right therapy for me. While it was a hard fight, the progress made it worth it. End 2019 I could finally say that I had my life back!

And then, Covid happened!

I don't think I need to explain what this virus did to the world! I could not even if I wanted to! It's different for everyone and I can only tell you what it did to me and my mental state!
As far as we know, I have not had Covid....At least if you look at the timeline! BUT, in December 2019 when I was visiting my mom at the other side of the country for Christmas I became seriously very ill. Covid was not even in the picture at that moment, at least not in the Netherlands. BUT, if you look at the list of symtems one might think I had it! I became very sick in not even an hour. It started with a cough so badly that I had to puke a few times... Anyways, I became sick and we had to drive home. I just wanted my own bed. During the ride (two hours) I puked a lot, struggled for air and had a fever. I felt numb and all I could do was lay and just try to breathe! Long story short, the next day it was gone. All that stayed was extreem tiredness! I did not even think about Covid! It also does not matter if it was or not but it was not much later that Covid was found in the Netherlands and it freaked me out!

I got news addicted!

Anxiety comes in many ways! My anxiety was mainly focussed on diseases! So every bit of news about this virus clued me to my screen! It took me a few weeks to notice that I had fallen back to my old habbits with this. Every word I read about it made me fear more and yet, I could not stop myself from reading and watching everything I could about Covid. As a result I cancelled a vacation in our own country because it was with family members from my partner and we would share a house. I was also too scared to get it from someone there at the parc! They all went, I stayed at home and trust me when I tell you, that week alone finally opened my eyes!
I could not sleep before I read everything or watched every single news show on tv! Something snapped in me and I found the power to stop myself! I allowed myself 1 look at the main news page (NOS) a day and no longer than 5 minutes. Things became more calm in my head after that.
I had more contact with my healthcare team and I beated the anxiety back into the past! Not that all my fear for Covid was gone. It's a serious illness and a killer virus andI really hope it will be out of the world asap! It is something to fear! You just need to be careful you don't go overboard when you have anxiety problems!

And then...Lockdown time!

If you want to know what the lockdown did to mental state you will have to wait till my next post!
I don't want to write one enormous post and bore you all to dead with so many things to read in one go!

Thank you for reading my post and I do hope you will read the next!
Feel free to reply! Every word is appreciated!