2021 had a rough start.
Not only for me but for many among us! Covid still dominates the whole world and there are still people dying in aweful circumstances! This is my blog series about this road! Everything I write is from my eyes and my eyes only! I am no expert. I write this to share what mental health issues can do to every single person when the world is facing a pandemic!
Missed my previous post?
Part 1: Part 1: https://hive.blog/life/@poeticsnake/truth-time-emotional-roller-coaster-part-1
Part 2: https://hive.blog/life/@poeticsnake/truth-time-emotional-roller-coaster-part-2
Face masks!
For the longest time, there was a huge discussion in my country (The Netherlands) about the use of face masks and if they work yes or no. After much debate, back and forths, more discussions, they decided that we need to use them here as well. Not in your house or outside but if you want to go inside a store, a coverment building, and public transportation, you will need one otherwise you are not welcome.
On a personal note, I don't believe they really help but I understand that they give people a kind of safe feeling. I will also say right away, I don't use them. This also means that I don't go inside of other peoples home, shops etc because I do follow the rules. The fact that I don't use them does not mean that I am against them though. I am, but for my own silly reasons! I call them silly because after the fact, I always have to laugh a bit at myself!
Face masks freak me out!
No, I am not kidding you! They seriously freak me out!
The first reason being the fact they remind me of the hospital and seeing I fear that freaking place and the docs in white.... Yeah not good! They also remind me of the dentist and seeing the dentist is so not my best friend....
The second reason is that I can't breathe in them. Getting short on air triggers a panick attack, ergo, I wont wear a mask! I tried though like a good student. I practiced at my own place to wear one and it always ended in me running around like a total freaked out snek! I always had this problem btw. Even when I wear a scarf I have trouble breathing.
Third reason, ... There is more? Hell yes!
Seeing all these people outside wearing a mask is a constant reminder that being outside is BAD, scary and not healthy! Yes, that is what my brain tells me when I see them.
For 3 years I have battled against the thoughts in my head telling me that going outside is bad! I had to keep reminding myself that outside is safe, a good place to be. With all this covid going around, people wearing masks, people being scared to be close to others, it feeds my old fear! I know that I can protect myself from falling back and that I am strong enough to face this but truth be told, I am tired.
I am tired of the constant battle in my head. Tired of all the news. Tired of Covid!
But aren't we all? We just need to keep going until this will pass. But how much longer will we be able to maintain this? How much longer will I be able to fight the fight? I often wonder if I will fall back to were I came from and I sure hope that will not happen. I like to believe that I know the right handles to pull in my brain now but sometimes the fear of falling back creeps up.
Every single time I go outside and I spot someone wearing a mask, I have to deliver a battle. I win them so far but it's far from easy! At times I even freak out when I see my partner or mom wearing one. I get a instant anxious feeling and my heart starts to race.
On a funny note, do you all remember the time where you were not allowed to cover parts of your face when you entered a store or a gas station? .....Anywho. :D
I also have the intense urge to pull peoples masks and let them flapppper back!
Perhaps that is the little cute sadist in me... I am cute, I swear!
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Hearing that. In a pretty messed up place myself right now. Sitting with a group of people I hardly know, the only thing we have in common is the lady on the podium before us.
Was already pretty messed up on arrival, but then I seen the smoke. And realised its not hamburgers. Til then the gravity of the situation hadn't quite hit.
And now the director tells us we can't pay respect without masks.
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Im planning to write something like this too. Its like a form of therapy too. Greetings my friend.