I love you but I don’t have energy for bullshit ❤️

in #life4 years ago (edited)

I haven’t been active for over a week already. That’s got to be a record for me. Did I need a break? Well, not really. I just feel something has to change. I felt like conserving my energy for IRL and, well sorry but traditional social media. I’ll explain why in a bit.

I have a new attitude in general too. It goes something like “I love you but I don’t have energy for dumb shit, don’t piss on my vibe and we are all good”. Life is beautiful but we are all a little fucked up, myself as well, so no use pretending we are not and no need to get caught up in someone else’s reality when it don’t feel good. I want to be transparent about my faults and if you can’t love me and forgive me for it then I don’t really need to put any energy into you or what you are doing. If you don’t see how valuable I am, I need to spend more time on myself because I see it and I’ll love myself like none of y’all can.

I’ve given so much and so little of it has been received. I have ultimate love and appreciation for the 10-20 people here who see it and the 10-20 people in IRL who have seen it. Some of them have stuck around and some of them have gotten bored or distracted which is to be expected. Love you. Love you. Love you

I believe in decentralization of power, decentralization of attention, community driven efforts etc. I do. It’s right. But it’s not where we at. I still got a lifetime of baggage Karma with society that I need to work off. I’m practical and I want to get shit done. I’m ok if it doesn’t work but I gotta meet the world where it’s at without hiding that I see some stuff it doesn’t.

I was 10 steps ahead my whole life, finally some people are catching up but I am tired of being at the front morally, I want to take a break and bask in the rewards of the flesh. I might compromise my values a little bit. Let me play. I might contradict myself a bit. Forgive me. Or don’t. It’s your call.

I still feel a lifetime of disappointment at how much society has failed to recognize its own faults. The environment, taking care of each other, racism and sexism or even more broadly overlooked discrimination against people with different perspectives. People are still taking baby steps and I am forced to choose between retreating to the forest or living in the smelly house they’ve built. I appreciate the good work, the effort of so many, but I recognize how misguided it is and I also finally have come to terms with my own flaws. I want to see how my flaws can interact with this smelly ass beautiful falling apart society that we have. I want to let my faults shine.

I’ll come back to my core when I’ve worked off this karma.

Does that make sense?

Let me be a little bit greedy, I’ve done my best to be giving. Let me have a little power, I’ve forfeited so much of it. Let me fuck up a little, I’ve done so much right. Let me fake it a bit. I’ve been so god damn real.

So I’m gonna be two people at once. I’ll be singing two songs, one for y’all who get it and one for y’all who don’t. Money is still stupid but I m going to make it. Prestige is still shallow and often undeserved but I’m going to make use of it.

Perhaps a day is coming when these two selves can merge. It seems society is moving forward faster than before. Soon we won’t have to choose On a collective scale between cynicism and toxic positivity. Soon we will find that sweet spot where we are ok not knowing what’s right but doing our best to figure it out and putting our all into it

As for how I interact here...I think I’m going to continue to put more of my effort to other things outside Hive.

I like Hive. I believe in Hive. But I’m not exclusive to Hive. I could write posts about how great Hive is and get some nice upvotes, but it’s a waste of my energy, I’d just be milking. No disrespect to people who are trying to welcome new users like @sidwrites or @stellabelle or the tech end of things at hive. Huge respect for people like @kennyskitchen and @riversflow who are able to influence this community to the capacity that I had hoped to. Perhaps I have influenced it that way too but I only feel the thanks from the middle and bottom, not from the top. The whales all know me already but I receive little love from them. If they don’t see that I’m just as valuable here as @tarazkp after all these years (and he is valuable) then maybe I have somewhere else to be. I get it though, I’m not their cup of tea and that’s ok. I get good love from some people. But I also know I am needed elsewhere too and so I can’t give more to this community than I have to give. Biggest love to be awesome/deep shit, you all know who you are, you are family. I don’t want to list you for fear of missing someone.

I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be working on Hive Cross culture in some capacity, although I’m going to relax my expectations for it. I may drop the Deadpost initiative. It seems pretty dead because Hives user base is not growing and generally rewards are much more well distributed than before.

So I’m not going to put all my eggs in one basket but Hive, you are my first choice and I’ll try to bring the fruits of my labor back here to share with all of you.

I’m going to post more what I feel like, or material that I’m sharing on multiple platforms. I’m going to reserve my community interaction for Hive Cross Culture and the friends I’ve made already. I think I’m giving up on trying to do more than I’m capable of doing for this community though. If y’all wanna support what I’m doing then come and support it. If not whatever. It’s not just for me. I have the community in mind but I’ll leave it to you to see that. It may be harder to see because I honestly don’t care about whether or not others are onboard with me anymore, I am simply using others response as a gauge for how I am doing.

Did this post make any sense? Does it just sound like I’m ranting? Or can you feel what I’m expressing?

I love everyone and everything but I’m not going to let any of it shit in my day anymore. Take it or leave it. Peace lovers

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Always, always we have to fill our own cup. And give freely without expectation. Sounds like you're hugely burned out. If it doesn't give you joy, just don't.

Hugs. Consider yourself appreciated. take some more time away and rethink how you want to give, and why. Hive growing every day - maybe just another niche waiting for you??

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I want to give for the sake of giving and cause it feels good but sometimes it doesn't rain for weeks and the cup runs dry. On those days I write stuff like this.

I have recently been made aware of the fact that you are a total sweetheart ❤️ Thank you!

Love the honesty. Thanks for tagging me. Read this twice and picked up a few lines I wish to comment on. Also, as we are being brutally honest, I would like to shoot it straight:

I’ve given so much and so little of it has been received.

Give without expecting then. That's the trick. Most will disappoint you. Drop validation. Embrace hardcore thick heart.

I’m ok if it doesn’t work but I gotta meet the world where it’s at without hiding that I see some stuff it doesn’t.

You design your own world. You can treat this world as your playground. Or a sinking ship with you trying to survive.

Million dollar deals are happening right now in Silicon Valley. At the same time, someone else is crying in the corner of the room.

Same world. Different stories.

I might compromise my values a little bit

Luckily, this world is a playground with unwritten rules.

I am simply using others response as a gauge for how I am doing.

Validation from others will halt your own growth. Walk like no one can understand you. Like no one is watching you. Like no one actually cares about you.

If anything I have learned in life, we get to design our stories. Hope and wish you are enjoying designing yours. Cheers!

It's hard to put into words. On one hand I've decided to live exactly how you've described starting now. On the other hand, I've been living like that all along and haven't seen any major results. You can live without thinking about how people receive it, but at the end of the day, that million dollar deal depends on other people. I don't care how they feel, I want that million dollar deal because it's there and why not.

The pattern I noticed is that sticking to my morals has often stopped me from doing what I felt like doing at the moment and receiving the reward I know I deserve, so perhaps that is the missing link for me.

It doesn't mean I will throw my morals out completely, but perhaps nothing deserves to be followed dogmatically. I want a bedroom that has windows and doesn't stink. If being a bit of a dick will get me to enough abundance to shift my thinking to abundance mentality, then whatever! Am I warped? Is this wrong? Do I care?

On the other hand, I've been living like that all along and haven't seen any major results.

Not sure what the results look like. More often than that, the fantasy of future is far more fascinating than the current reality. Maybe you aimed high and shot low. I don't know. Ultimately, it is the decision in your mind to shift your own focus.

Again, if you are NOT comfortable, make change. If you can't make change, surrender.

More importantly, don't take my word for it — try all kinds of experiences. Eventually life shows that none of them matters.

It doesn't mean I will throw my morals out completely, but perhaps nothing deserves to be followed dogmatically

Drop the perhaps. That's the truth.

If being a bit of a dick will get me to enough abundance to shift my thinking to abundance mentality

Luckily, you are the decision maker. There is a book I read years ago and even recommended others. It was on how NOT to be nice anymore. I don't remember much of the book but one of my friend perceived it as "I should be an asshole." This perception only ruined his future days.

Everything has to do with our own perception. You see me as someone attacking you. Or simply someone pointing you the truth. The choice is always yours.

Nah man, I appreciate your comments. I am just looking to experiment a bit with how I interact with the world, because a lot of what made sense doesn't seem to be working anymore. I think the core of it is that I'm not being true to what flows out of me, and that there is some frustration that wants to be released but hasn't been able to because of my insistence of "being a good role model" and fitting into some idea of how someone "who gets it" is supposed to act. I love what you said. I don't know if it's where I'm at right now, but I'll be back soon. Just need to try some stuff out first.

Your support and belief in me have helped me through the beginnings on the platform and I have seen you help shape the network to what it is.

There will always be new users and there comes a time when writing the tenth guide for newbies does not really add any value at all.

We ought not try to fulfill our old roles now in these crazy times, especially if something else in us wants out and feels it doesn't have the space to do so.

Be two people. Go play. It's your life!

Thanks man. I know I've done some good stuff. Glad I could have helped you. Always meaning to get back in touch

I feel we will finally catch up once we're hardcore in our own way. ahahaha. It wants out and we need to face it now. I feel very similar these days to what you wrote in the OP.
So let us embrace it. It's time (obviously)!

I'm all into retreating to the forest.

Hey, I got a culture exchange lesson even while writing a text. A Korean grandma dived through the closing subway door and pushed her way to the handicap seat.

I wonder if she loves herself. Is loving yourself saving yourself to get what you want or is loving yourself finding who you are and being that and giving that regardless how thers respond?

Loving yourself doesn't mean being a baby and comparing yourself to others. I know that you are not a baby but your writing reaveals a conflict that needs to be resolved. If you can't then at least enjoy what you can.

I was always glad to see your desire to bring people together. Keep it up. Wouldn't be the same without you.

I think it depends on how she feels inside. There is a level of acceptance required to love anything but then again I think it's badass when people can speak their mind and be honest about how they feel.

I am not going to change much. I do suspect I will get lazier with my posts though because I can say the same thing in 30 words that I often say in 300

Thanks for continue to engage with Cross Culture. You've helped keep the place alive. I'll get back to it soon

You're right. (2 words)

Whale blubber is overrated anyway!

Post for yourself

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Oh I do. I just wish that initiatives that could benefit the platform could gain support and keep momentum even if they aren't a total fapfest 😛. Thanks for the encouragement

i like how honest you are. And yes, i do get it. After the stuff i've seen lately, i am not as excited about hive mainly because there seems to be a ton of herd behavior, which i find really depressing.

i had managed not to get too deep into some things going on, but when i did, it felt like a cult here....

as far as what you're saying, i think you hinted at what you're upset about, but didn't say it plainly.

If i am to understand you, it seems that the rewards are not what you think you deserve. Is that accurate?

I appreciate you a lot.

Hmmm, I am quite happy with the reward distribution in general these days. I just feel disappointed that the whales in particular don't appreciate me. It seems like everyone else does. I feel a lot of good people are getting rewarded though so I can't complain about the overall reward situation.

More than that I feel disappointed with how hard it is to rally people behind a good idea and how easy it is to rally people behind an empty idea that is full of buzzwords, something that might be good but is not exactly what we need right now. Your project is probably the biggest exception to that. ONBOARDING is where it's at right now, and not reckless onboarding but targeted, soft spoken onboarding where we just expose people to hive without forcing it down their throats.

My issue is really not about Hive but about social behavior in general. I am just trying to find a niche between worlds because none of these worlds are a very good fit for me. Hive is probably the best but it's not enough to be an exclusive relationship for me. I still have high hopes for this place but I think I'll only be at home when these worlds merge.

i try to focus on things i have control over to make change.
i can't control other people, but i can do some actions to make things happen, so that is what i am doing. it's slow, but i am proud of our Hive marketing discord, because we get a lot of actions done and make decisions in there. I get it though, it's really tough to get people on board with a project.

Very well put,I live by that as well. I just get like this when there is a drought. Then after a day I'm back to normal! ❤️

Sounds like you burnt out a bit (again?).

Do whatever you need to rebalance 🙃

I’m fine. I’m just experimenting to see if I get different results

Ahh, good luck with the experiment, are you going to write a results post when you're done? :D

Results are in! ❤️

In the vlog that I'm trying to remember to watch later when it's a bit quieter? XD

But I also know I am needed elsewhere too

I think that this is what people need to work out. A lot make this a job when it should be a journey, an income when it should be an instigator of personal and social change.

I love everyone and everything but I’m not going to let any of it shit in my day anymore.

Again (always my perspectives as I can't honestly take anyone else's) I think this is a personal question and one that a lot of people suffer from. No one shits in your day, your day is yours, isn't it? The reactions we have to the conditions we face are ours to control or let control us and unfortunately, we have been incentivized for drama, to get emotional at what is pushed down our throats, instead of learning to control ourselves and choose what we eat, contemplate upon what we choose and behave with intention, rather than emotional reaction.

We are all on our own journey and while people seem to subscribe to their uniqueness, they behave on the averages, the conditioning they and near all others have received to create a mass of mediocrity through a lack of self reflection. This isn't a criticism of you or others, it is the way we have organized our world through the choice to live life by default on lessons we never chose for ourselves.

Hopefully you will create the best version of yourself, rather than accept yourself as what you are as if you can never be something else. We are all changing constantly, some intentionally, some not - for better or worse. But if we aren't even looking to improve, what are we actually doing with this life we have no choice in having? None of us chose life, but what we do once our life exists is up to us.

I wish you well on your continuing journey.

I don’t take anything that you say as an attack and appreciate your response. As far as improving, one of the main things I give my attention to. If there is one place I always fail to improve, it’s my ability to impress people with resources that I could use. I’m not a very good salesman. I’ve been working on this for a long time and still hitting a wall.

I didn't think you would take it as an attack at all, but I know that others might read it that way :)

The sales component is far easier when you don't have to sell, when the "product" sells itself. What I mean by this is that when you find your groove, it speaks for you.

Hopefully you will create the best version of yourself, rather than accept yourself as what you are as if you can never be something else.

Reading this at 5 am. Beautifully said.

It’s easy to get burned out when everything in the world is overwhelming right now. Take a break. You sound like you could use one.

That was my break! Haha I'm back. It never ends but I always get stronger and more full of energy than before.