Fresh starts. Giving 10 steem away!

in #marriage7 years ago

headerFresh, refresh, relapse?
imageToday I am pondering the concept of a fresh start given as a gift in marriage. A gift, you say, yes I give odd gifts. A new beginning, to let the past go focusing on forward motion. This idea is to cause bringing about excitement such as found at the novel and elusive beginning of courtship phase.
My thoughts on this idea is inquisitive; will a fresh start not lead to a quick and steady relapse of failure as it is the only compromise a couple can agree upon? Being that it basically is an agreement to truce, no one wins, no one loses, no one gains, no one forfeits. That leaves the same Core issues still not being addressed and resolved.
I will give 10 steem to random commenters on this post if they simple answer with their thoughts on fresh starts. Looking for advice, research,helpful hints.

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Im not happy about my forced fresh start, given the oportunity I would surely thought of a thousand more ways to search for a better way to do things. Marriage is tough and not without its ups and downs. Talking about this is actually pretty tough for me so Im probably not making any sense.

i can see where it is hard to talk about but i want to look back and know i fkr sure tried every avenue, every step, everything i could to save my marriage and my family. i dont want to look back on my marriage and think maybe there is more i could habe done on my end to make it work. That said, i am exhausted, this state of constant fighting, and quick hurtful comments, events ruined by sheer lack of respect for each other. I can see where maybe most people are just to tired to fight anymore to save a marriage. Certain issues can cone and go but the enduring fighting, being stuck in a rutt... that should not he the constant. I think you made perfect sense by the way.

I tried but I really am convinced that what happened was the worst way to end it. I really apreciate your reply but my hands are tied. After 14 years defending somebody that constantly hurt herself and those around her I feel frustrated that my patience has been punished in such a horrible way, there are 2 sides to every story but My pain is at times so hard to bear I feel totally sunk. I have to be strong but I feel weak and helpless. The saying time will heal all wounds seems hard to swallow right now.

I am sorry you feel sunken. I can relate to the feeling. Drained is an understatement. So fourteen years... that's a lot of time put forth. The fresh start was a separation? If that's to nosey then just tell me so and we can talk something else. Time doesn't heal wounds. Time simple puts distance between you and the event that wounded you. There is safety in distance. Learning to distance yourself from the pain is the fastest way to recover. Hope your day is going good.

Maybe we can talk on the chat soon, like I said my hands are tied and I dont want my children to suffer anymore from this so I hsve to be carefull what I write. My day is like most another horrible experience but Im yearning to recover and get on with my life, return to my happy open positive self.

i dont have the chat part. my email is [email protected] i email a few people from steem it using that email because they prefer privacy at times. i try to think of each day as a gift. its hard to do somedays but mostly if you see the day as a gift you tend to appreciate it more.

Whatever we focus on and have faith will be what manifests for us. What we truly believe in, we get. If we take stress too far and think about it too much, we will live a stressful life. We're always changing; nothing is static, change is the only constant. "You only live one life" maybe we do, maybe we don't but while we're here it feels like the only life.

I've changed so much in the last 10 or 15 years its not even explainable.

i most of the time choose to be happy. have had people tell me thats the most annoying person in the room the one that is smiling and cheering everyone up while everyone is disgruntled. on the opposite side i have a deep saddness/darkness that is down right scary if you see it. i choose to let the happy show, at times the darkness does show but thats when i find i am the most creative. nothing like the taste of death to see the beauty in the mundane. i feel most people that know true happiness also know true evilness. you cant know what something is unless you have experienced the otherside of it. as we get older its hard not to be jaded by experiences, people, and let downs.

"My thoughts on this idea is inquisitive; will a fresh start not lead to a quick and steady relapse of failure as it is the only compromise a couple can agree upon?"

Yes, as if you did nothing or the same as before and never changed or adapted.

I take every day as a fresh start in my marriage, and ideally all of my relationships. There is no past or future - only the present. Obviously the people in my life enrich it or I would not spend time with them - but they also make mistakes and hurt me. That's what I let go, because it serves no purpose. I take people as a sum of all that they are rather than focusing on their lesser qualities or failures. I hope they'll do the same for me.

i like this. i maybe take people at a future value. like see people as an investment of sorts; time, resources, and energy. i feel as though i basr the amount of time and energy i have towards the person based on potential. the flaw in this method is when one mistake happens, as they will always do because we are human, its difficult to assess what the next future mistake will be. is it a slippery slope, the beginning of the end, is the future iver before it could begin? i think very five years ahead in terms of what i am doing today will be worth it five years from now. it seems lately i am seeing a side of momenterily living that seems idealistic, more so than my theory. The idealism of yesterday was who i used to be, today is me, and tomorrow is someone new. I feel i have reached the point to where everything is coming to a halt, i no longer am looking five years out. we have the kids, the house, the cars, the life that was the goal. now what to do with my ingrained mentality of working towards something better?

Many years ago a wise man told me not to have expectations of other people. It was a hard concept for me to grasp. His point was that I can't expect a person to behave a certain way because of what I put into the relationship. I can choose whether or not I want to spend time with them based on their behavior, but I can't expect them to act the way I want. I try to focus on my part and what I put into a relationship as that's what I can control.

Isn't the basis of most interaction and communication based on this simple concept: message, receiver, feedback, action? Something like that. As in most of our interactions are based on a message we send, the message they receive, the feedback we gain, then the actions we take. So maybe I do have expectations based on the feedback I receive. At a certain point though it because more of habit and less and less of an artistic delicate process. Communication is suppose to be beautiful, seperating us from other species, from those before us. It sadly, has become the weapon we use against one another.

Thank you for the steem, that was very kind and not necessary. I appreciated you provoking the thought.
It's somewhat of a sematic argument - but I think and important one. You can have STANDARDS for what feedback you will ACCEPT for yourself. You have all the control about what you will allow yourself to be around, toxicity or healthy positive feedback. That is different than giving something and EXPECTING a result from someone else because of your actions - that leads to disappoint as people will often not behave how we expect. If we don't expect a particular response, we can then be more open to questioning and trying to understand the response we do get - of course that's in a healthy situation. If it's unhealthy and your partner is not willing to work for change (or you aren't) one party cannot mend a relationship.

i dont invest in steem, not allowed to invest in cryptocurrency so i am more here for the community amd enjoy giving away the steem. i see its value and i like the platform so i kinda earn enough to get by so to speak. is there a way to turn unhealthy into healthy? or is that just doomed. maybe that is what i need to take a look at, is this healthy?

I always simplify to 'what can I control?' For example, if you're saying that you're constantly speaking to each other in a nasty way, just pick a day and stop. There is no excuse to behave poorly, even if the other person does - and you are in charge of your own behavior. Be the good, kind, person you want to be and then over time you'll see if your partner wants to come along, if the relationship enriches your life.
Key is focus on your part, what you can control - and be the person you were born to be.

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Nice idea Kristy and nice artwork

Hello @kristy1, good post. I'm a new Steemian and just joined. It would be great if you could take a minute to look at my profile page and click follow if my stuff interests you. Thanks!

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Starting a relationship is not looking for strengths, but covering each other's shortcomings. Gifts are only things, mutual understanding is the key to a relationship.

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