In a dark period of my late twenties a concept that crossed my mind more than once, over 3 years of being single by choice was 'I don't care so much about being loved but it would be so nice for me to be able to give my love to someone.' Therapy for both alcoholism and childhood sexual abuse/incest had commenced at that point. It was a precarious juncture of life where the poisonous coping skill that was once leaned on had been given up due to chronic anxiety and I was looking square in the eye the entire childhood that I had taken drastic personal measures to keep secret.
Singlehood was not only defined by relationship status but also familial connection. Betrayals had been suffered, lines had been drawn, emotional abandonment left me reeling. I was more than on my own, loneliness echoed around me. And yet...The Voice that had first spoken to me at 16 when asked 'Why am I here?' answered 'To Love' had instilled in me not only that Purpose but that intense need.
There have always been walls up in my relationships. There was always some form of abuse, some of them loud and obvious to those in my life, others quiet and neglectful. It is a testament to what I've suffered that instead of feeling worse than garbage and mad at a God who left me here broken and unable to form and nurture healthy relationships, that I reached UP, spoke up, told every secret, dug in and did the real work. The more I spoke about the experiences the more when conflict arose with said parties they would use those vulnerable things against me.
With time, each new barb strengthened both me and the story within. You can bet the first time bitter words about the little girl who was sexualized too young hit my ears that I cried without hope of solace. How could anyone say that about a 6-year-old? Over time rather than let it hurt I realized their choice of words in anger told me much more about who they were than who I ever was. It was a good gauge for character.
Abuse often leaves you with an oblivion regarding how you choose mates and I was no exception. Red flags were observed but considered endearing in the beginning, something I could accept because I accepted everyone for who they were. How on earth could I judge anyone else after what I had endured? After all, I was here 'To Love.' Time after time it was revealed that those partners had closets full of their own demons that made the ones I had named fearlessly look horrifyingly trivial. They could not accept love.
The last relationship that ended oddly and symbolically enough on 6/6/20 on our 6th anniversary...was a quiet, conflict-free, surface relationship that had turned into comfort, a facade of nurture. Absence or avoidance of conflict and unexplored aspects of relationships does not denote health. And after that ended it was shockingly uncovered that there was much wrong with our relationship that hadn't even been made known to me. Fear in love does not appeal to me since it's been the only thing I've been able to do without a net. Fear to disclose, fear to leap, fear to trust. I require these things.
I knew long ago and did not take my own advice, that I would need a Truther as a partner in order to flourish. Even in 2009 a planetary awakening was on my mind and I was going to do all that I could do engender that. Research was what fueled me. Anyone on that path can attest that they have learned far more from personal research on conspiracy than they ever did in school. Another fail on my part in choosing proper paramours.
After strings of letdowns, near the waning and then inevitable extinguishing of the last comfortable yet neglectful relationship, a man whose evolving Facebook posts had been catching my attention announced that he was having trouble in his marriage. A Truther who had always liked my posts but I never had conversation with. It was my belief based on photos he'd posted of himself in a gorilla suit holding a sign that read 'Ask the Q' at the Capitol building and a waterfall of articles he'd written (out of the norm for him as far as I was concerned) that he was becoming a 'big deal'. Too big for me to reach out to, even after his marital woes had been disclosed to his multitude of friends and followers. So this 'hunt and kill' girl who always went after what she wanted who did not enjoy attention steered clear but was intrigued as she was also newly single.
And one night, after a rather blatant and concise post of mine, HE sent me a message. He swept me off my feet without me realizing it or even having time to catch my breath. That had never before occurred in my life. I wasn't a fan of pursuit. I liked knowing MY intentions with men, never thought that I was cheating myself by not having any idea what theirs had been with me. The most intense and loving relationship ensued and my role became support, inspiration, cheerleader, close counsel. We were backs together at all times. I no longer knew where I ended and he began. I was giving the love I had always yearned to.
Accepting the love of this man has been a challenge for me. I was not only here to serve a purpose of supporting and loving him. He was delivered unto me to serve me as well. The concept of someone seeing me, loving me as he has loved me, wanting to know me as he now knows me, after all of the relationship and familial separation and failure was foreign. He has loved me more than anyone has in my life and it pains me to say that because I know that my family loves me. But they were not kind and careful with me. He is.
Simultaneous to meeting this man I met another. Jesus Christ. God has always been very real to me. I remember asking questions about God as a little girl. Jesus I had little understanding of. I certainly didn't know that He was The Voice that had taken pains to teach me so much directly for the entirety of my carefully and perfectly created and then sculpted life. When I fully understood what Christ sacrificed to this world and why, it was obvious to me that not accepting that type of Love was an insult to both Him and who sent Him into this world. He lived, and He died for every one of us.
As I look around me and have conversations with my New Age friends they give me lists of why they cannot accept the love of Christ. They tell me with fantastical reverence about the mediums they spoke to about what passions they should pursue, who they were in a past life, what their purpose is here on earth. And they pucker up at the mention of Jesus when it's time for us to reciprocate spiritual awakenings. Other friends have found themselves at the mercy of one too many experiences with substances, pulled down about as far as they can get and still functioning physically. And as I look at them and know what I know about Christ, I think...all of this real love He has for you and you cannot accept it because you cannot look at your demons. They possess you, literally. They own you. You wake up every day and hand your power over to them. This man wanted nothing more than to help you go through those figurative closets and look carefully at each item you've hidden away from society, help you dust them off, hold them up to the light in order for God to glorify them and advise you to give them to Him to take care of. So that you will LIVE, both in this world and in the one that comes after this. He knows better than anyone that if you don't come to Him with all of your sins that you will indeed perish.
Acceptance of Love, whether in the physical or the celestial, so easily-explained, is oftentimes the most difficult act we can commit, let happen. In this world flaws are magnified and labeled AS flaws. People tell you from birth what's different about you, what's bad about you, what you did wrong. Those "flaws" are often exploited by companies advertising products you don't need because you are not, indeed, flawed. You are wonderfully and fearfully made.
You are also wonderfully and fearfully loved. I often wonder how Jesus feels about countless children coming to Him each day, those sacrificed by the Elite Luciferians, abused to death. How awful must that be day after day when He came here to put a stop to all of that if we would very simply deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him.
I say to all of my New Age Truther friends who for some reason have an undying need to apply dimensional aspects to Jesus Christ and more of their fantastical, vibrational explanations and translations to The Word...it's so much easier than all of that. The Word is His Word. No translation necessary. He said it as plainly as possible. Do you truly think that God would send His only Son here with hidden complications added so that seemingly no one would be able to figure it out in order to receive salvation?
I can't wait until 'They know not what they do' is something we all laugh over instead of facepalm about to this day.
I am a blessed woman. It is my duty to share with you this story because it's the only thing that I've personally experienced as life-changing. Everyone wants some life-changing experience. Everyone wants to excel and do better, be better. Everyone is worthy.
So as my Truther Husband @mikemullens helped me do with such patience and guidance, dig on yourself. Find those truths. Be honest with yourself. They are going to be your Hardest Truths.
ACCEPT that they exist. Acknowledge them without exception and without diminishing what they truly are. The Enemy is real and attacking every day. This Love of Christ is going to be what pulls you through and away from them. They cannot slurp Loosh from someone walking with Christ in word and deed.
Armor of God is not a suggestion. Our souls are at stake here. You have the best friend you could ever even think to ask for a breath away.
I would not be fulfilling the first Purpose Christ gave to me without writing this for You. I am here 'To Love' and I Love You. And so does He.
Are you willing to Accept that much Love?
