As I've gotten older the drumbeat of the probing question has gotten louder and louder. When are you having kids? I sincerely answer that I'm not sure about it, and it always seems to shock people when I say so.
The cost
I've been trying to iron out this point for weeks now. There's a general philosophy I seem to embrace, but I've not given myself enough time to work all the details.
We think of having children as being a costly choice. You do sacrifice a lot of time, money and effort if you are giving it a good go, at being a good parent. But I don't think there's an issue with the cost itself, with the idea that we pay the price for the things that we want.
So if I was to say that people choose not to have children to the cost of doing so, I would be oversimplifying a very complex subject. I believe in the back of our minds we do some calculative suffering, because life is full of it, but it's not front and center all the time.
I do want to dispel what I believe to be a lie. There's an idea that if you don't have children, there is no price to be paid, no cost. This, I believe, is far from the truth.
Nothing is free
Choices, even the ones we don't make, are paradoxically tagged with a price tag. There is no such thing as the choice of no cost, and I'm willing to drive a flag on this hill.
You see, it's obvious that the price a couple would pay for not having children is different that one that elected to have them, but to say that it was the selfish route, the easy choice, the coward path, its to project our own insecurities and justifications onto them.
What cost does not having kids incur? If we can accept that we are social creatures, and that our family nucleus is important to our well being. If we can accept that healthy relationships in big families are the best insurance one can have against tragedies, then I believe the answer begins to become quite clear.
When we get old
We humans, rely very much on our children for support. As anecdotal as it may be, I'm here in South America for that very reason. So, you could say that in the case of my loving mother, even though she did not save for her golden years, she's got a solid retirement plan in her three boys.
It would seem selfish, even a little dirty, to think that someone would have children just to be taken care of in their later years, and I'm not implying that people do so only for this reason. What I'm saying is that the continuation of a family is a solid structure for group safety, and that is an observable consequence of our family making.
That being said
The important point I'm trying to make is that the personal choice of having or not having children is just that, personal. There is no wrong here, no evil, no good, no noble, no selfish underpinning for either choice by default.
Sometimes when we are young we just forget to be safe, or think us invincible. Sometimes we are born with challenging fertility, and that's all fine, as long as we are happy where we've landed in life.
If you are thinking of not having having kids, don't let anyone make you feel like a bad person, like someone selfish or evil. Be aware that the choice you are making is not without costs. Evaluate those costs, and decide if you are willing to pay them. In the opposing spectrum, the same is true for those of us who want to have them.
If there's a definite answer on this subject, it's done a good job eluding me, but I sincerely hope to revisit these writings in the future, after capturing a little more clarity.
MenO
People tend to have more kids when they're not confident their wealth can survive from their productive years, into their unproductive ones.
If you're robbed/taxed constantly, of money being inflated into oblivion anyway; the investment you're most likely to see a return on, is children.
That's a key reason wealthier/more stable countries tend to have lower birth-rates.
People have investment portfolios instead of children.
I love being a Dad, but I always knew I wanted it.
i think being a father is great, not bashing it. life has worked out like this for me, I'm accepting and at peace with it all.
There is a deeply ingrained unspoken phycological ramification to not having kids: the genetic line gets cut off. Many people have kids as a way to "live forever" and some even vicariously live their own lives through their own children. It's a toxic mindset to be sure. People need to learn to accept their own demise without being an ass about it.
I'm sure there's a instinct to "continue us" inside everyone. But this is another one of those "live and let live" issues.
It really is quite a complex issue, for both men and women. As a woman, since I reached puberty, there is a recurring question from people who at some point have been close to me and my family: When are you going to get married and have children? As if it were something that should be like that without any opposition about it. Now as an adult and with sufficient reasoning capacity, in addition to living in a country plunged into unprecedented social decomposition, I believe that anyone who decides to have children, who plans to have children, who really wants to have children is very very brave. And as you said, those of us who do not want it that way, or those who simply have not made that huge decision, are not inhuman or selfish, they are simply making use of their free will and should not be singled out for it.
It is also to consider that having children affects not only who has them, but also that life that is being brought into the world. Every decision you make since that child is conceived affects them directly, so it is not something that should be taken lightly, so, having children should be the least selfish act you can do in your life.
A psychologist said once in an interview that quite many people have kids to take care of them at their old age and she said that's quite a selfish behavior. We all know there are no guarantees that kids will take care of their parents and obviously quite many don't deserve that. It's a complex topic for sure and I don't think anyone have the right to judge people for not having kids. It's your life, your choice.
If someone is more right leaning, conservative leaning, here in america, they are likely to see it as a duty to have kids. I disagree of course, but its become attached to the hip of religious dogma these days.
Buenos días. Asumo que está escribiendo estas ideas a título personal.
Por lo que he visto entre mis amigos, le digo que no todos están anotados para tener hijos, aunque ese es el objetivo de todo ser vivo: perpetuar su especie.
Uno de los 10 mandamientos cristianos, habla de honrar a los padres, de modo que no es malo que los padres inviertan en sus hijos. estoy seguro que lo hacen para asegurarse que crezcan sanos, se eduquen y prosperen. Si al final de la vida de los padres, los hijos asumen su cuidado, muy bien. Si no lo hacen, ellos, los hijos, cargan con su conciencia.
No permita que lo que los demás piensan, lo afecten a Ud..
Cada circunstancia de la vida de una persona es buena, si sabe aprovecharla.
Es su vida y su decisión.
Criar a los hijos no es sencillo, pero tiene sus cosas muy agradables. Un saludo. aliriera
i am happy with my choice to NOT have kids. glad you wrote this