I may be just talking to no audience, but maybe the more important thing here is that I write down the things I feel, the thoughts that fight inside my head.
We lost a pup last night. A sweet boy who was only five years old that gave us nothing but joy while he was with us. I don't believe in heaven, to be honest, but if I'm wrong and it does exist, then I'm sure he's there.
Yesterday, my wife and I were talking, discussing what to do, since the appointment with the cardiologist was today, and our boy seemed to be getting worse.
He climbed out of the sofa, barely able to walk straight. Made it to his water bowl and tried to drink a bit. I took it as a good sign, since he had been avoiding food or drink since the morning.
A minute after that he walked towards us, and plopped himself on our feet. My wife and I caressed him and told him how much we loved him.
All I could do was apologize for not being a better human, for not taking him to the doctor earlier. It's just a cough, I thought, it's the cold weather. But when from one day to the next, he became from the happiest active dog we have, to the complete opposite, it was as if a piano of reality had dropped in my head.
Heartworms... the doctor explained. He needs urgent care, a cardiologist as soon as possible....
He will be missing his appointment, as a matter of fact, it's still not for another 2 hours, but we wont make it. My boy did not make it.
All night I've been asking myself: How could I have been so stupid? Why did I think I knew what was going on?
Sleep has eluded me for the most part, but that's not even something I'm upset about.
I'm reaching a conclusion... a painful conclusion today, and maybe one that after I know it to be true, I will do my earnest to avoid thinking about for the rest of my life.
All joy, all happiness that loving someone can give you, has an invoice it will one day collect. It will one day be due.
There is no way you or I can love someone, even a little creature , with the naive idea that we will never experience loss.
This is not to say I regret having loved Teddy at all, because I don't. That little dog gave me so much joy, I can't do his memory justice in a blog, and this is not an attempt to do so, It's just an attempt of self-therapy, one that I'm sure to fail at.
I'm sitting in my computer right now, looking at Teddy's brother, hoping that he will be with me for a long, long time, while knowing that their lives are just do darn short.
I won't however, not now, not ever, close my heart to another dog. Because I know one thing for sure.
No matter how much it hurts when they are gone, they joy they give, the love they give, is worth every fucking tear.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know what it's like to lose your canine friend. I have 4 of the little blighters and though they sometimes drive me insane, I'd be disconsolate if anything happened to them. I hope Teddy's brother will be by your side for many years to come.
thanks mate
I feel for you. I've lost so many pets (dogs, cat, rabbits, gerbils, chickens). They all leave a hole. Unless you have something like a tortoise or a parrot then you are likely to outlive your pets, but they can still give you a lot.