How will I ever climb these rocks again without you?
How did we even climb today, knowing as we picked our way over each root and around the deadfall, that it would be the very last time? On a good day, when we're both feeling amazing, this hike winds me. I lean against boles on the way up and you circle joyously, looking for things to flip and sniff and taste. Today, my heart and lungs are exploding. I can't pull in enough air; I can't stop the hammering through my bones. It hurts. You're a little slower than usual, but there are still things to paw and nose and tongue and it's just as exciting. It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
You don't know this is the last time. It's a gift that I can give you, even as it empties me to do so.
Each time we've climbed, I've felt stronger, better, more whole. You've lead me on this long journey to heal my body, and I've given you the edges of my soul to wipe your cold nose and keep your ears warm. This is our place. Up and down, every time we've sat at the top of the world to rest and watch the birds fly below us and the sun wrap around the edge of the Earth, we've both moved forwards. Closer. I want to stay up here forever this time. We'll rest here, forever, and we'll get better... so much better, and closer, and stronger, that when we're finally ready to move on, nothing at all will be able to stop either of us. Only I know, the only thing that can stop you is already in your blood. I can't help. My edges are tattered and ineffective. You don't know, don't mind me being a bit ragged, and the birds delight you as always. It's as perfect as I can make it.
I will forever be grateful for this moment and this place even as I want to scream and cry out into the blue.
I will never be able express the happiness and grief that roll over me in turn. For you, there's only happiness. Would that we were all so lucky. And so we sit, as long as I can bear to, as long as we have light in the day to do so, and we watch. We are. You rest. I cry. I take photos as the sun arcs through the few trees clinging to the mountain and I cling to your joy and try to stand as straight. I try to imprint this on my being as strongly as I can, so I never have to be without it. It will never be enough, but not having it would be unbearable. How can it be so wonderful and horrible to love this much? To climb rocks, to flip and sniff and taste, to get closer. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I'm never going to be ready to let you go. I already have, out onto the wind.
Life changing; heart expanding: your time here has had purpose. My time with you has also. I see it in your eyes, and somewhere in the middle of my heart's supernova, I am content. But if I had a choice, we'd stay here forever...and we'll get better. So much better, and closer, and stronger, that when we're ready to move on, nothing at all will be able to stop either of us.
These photos and words are my own work, inspired by travels all over this pretty blue marble of ours. I hope you like them. 🌶️
It's so beautiful and so painful. Sending you some love.
Omygosh. Crim this is heartbreaking and beautiful and gorgeously written. You've got me in tears over here.
^^ This. And...
^^ This. Our stories aren't the same, but you've perfectly described something that is universal, part of the human experience. Love. Love. Love. Sending you so much love. 💖
what she said.
<3
This ripped my heart out. Many lovewaves Crimz
oh my.. what a sad but beautiful story.
the hardest part is letting go, always. But to have these feelings, to have this kind of love and such a friend, this is one of the miracles of our worlds.
Iam with you crim.
Jan
Oh maaan...
The memories will last forever, but the pain will diminish... Remember the good times for they are also eternal...
Dang lady, that is a helluva finale.
You gave that doggo the best life it could've had.
Promises.
Taking a moment to breathe through this one with you. I never quite know what to say.
(Pluto.)
Sending love your way. 💘
oh crimmi I am sending my love. What a beautiful, sad but perfect capture of this raw moment - I hope you do hold onto it forever. love you
Oh. Oh no! Oh, no no no, honey... It's not the last hike forever. It's the first one in this new, different way. I know just what you're facing and I know it feels bad today but it gets less horrible pretty rapidly. When this wretched loss runs its course, you'll feel like it went really fast but while you're in it, just try to let it be exactly how it is. Don't fight it or it will go on a lot longer than it needs to. Sending enormous imaginary hug straight at you.
Very touching story. Tears are coming from his eyes. After such words it is difficult to write a comment. But, I can say with absolute certainty that life is so unpredictable that even the most unreal things can be achievable and real. Memories are alive, as long as we think and remember them.
Your work here on Steemit always heartens and inspires me even though I don't often comment, thanks for all you do and keep up the great work!
simply amazing post... well written, and yes, it gets me, right in the heart!
I love it!
oh, so sorry for your doggy loss. Animals are so special and their loyal love and affection is so enduring and unconditional. Such a lovely post, thank you xxx
My soul broke a little @crimsonclad
I cried and sobbed all the post through
And just know
that moment will last forever in your head...
those happy moments together, what they are and give us...
it really never goes until we go
And no, you can never be ready...
With your pain, I feel my past pain and it is never easier when I remember all those time and loving souls that completed my existence....
Beautiful to feel the emotion. It is a great relationship to have and it hurts as much at the end. Life is not the same later on as it was never the same earlier.
@crimsonclad I'm so, so sorry. There is nothing that I've ever experienced that is harder than this. The bond between a person and their dog is an indescribably special thing, and although it's heart-shattering to out-live them, it's a relationship that we will cherish forever.
My heart is wrenching for you, much love.
What a moving piece of writing... I am amazed at the emotion that is packed into these words and images. Bless your heart, and big hugs to you, sweet lady. 💖
I remember when I rode my wonderful horse for the last time, knowing it was the last time. I rode him bareback -- not bothering with a saddle, wanting to be that much closer to him. Not wanting the extra weight. I remember the feel of his muscles ... and the way it felt when he breathed.
We went to a lovely vista not far from the house. We'd been there maybe hundreds of times before. We waited there a few minutes. I remember it all. He became restless, pawed the ground ... so I let him turn around and make his way back home. That was always his favorite part. He knew there'd be apples waiting.
Bless you both.
Even more tears.......
I know. I cried most of the day after remembering this. And it was so many years ago. He had turned 35 the spring before that autumn. That's a good long life for a horse. I'd had him 25 of those years and we'd made that ride together so often.
But he'd stopped eating -- anything except his treats. Weight was just falling off him -- as if even he knew it was time to go ... before winter made it harder for both of us. So, I phoned the vet and arranged for the next day. Then he and I went out one last time together. Just a leisurely stroll. We took our time. I watched him roll in the pasture when we got home. He loved doing that, too.
Animals have been a huge part of my life. And losing them ... it never gets easy.
It is always harder each time than the previous time.
My last was Sara, a golden colored Cocker spaniel we had adopted.
She could not breathe well enough. She could not eat or drink. She spent her last day panting.
I was lying on the floor with her, looking into her eyes as her soul left her. That moment made me die inside and left room for more grief.
Your loss causes me pain because I know how you must feel.
With deepest sympathy, wishing you comfort forever in your memories.
Team Good Alpaca loves this post! Nomnomnomnom!
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cinemagraph stories is certainly something i've been wanting to get started forever on @cinemagraphs forever. i will get there, when new camera. will get started, thanks for inspiring me again.. ;)
ah, a very emotional story ...
I am pregnant. I think I'm about to cry because of hormones.
thank you for the sincere story you shared with us
That is a very emotional story, @crimsonclad. You got my witness vote.
Hugs!
Sending positive vibes.
namaste
This post is quiet very beautiful and i love the choice of word! Keep it up!!
Excelente trabajo con una linda historia @crimsonclad
perfect👌
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STOPWell, you told me opening this post hurts, and for good reason so I'm going to keep it short.
Maybe it's because I've never been able to hear your voice on MSP Waves, but you've always seemed so distant and unreachable (from a personal viewpoint), like those big managers that we can never seem to understand, but this post changed my perspective completely.
I'm pretty sure Goofy (I think that's the name of the dog no?) loved being around you and he was fortunate to have you as his master. Maybe it's not much, but let me thank you in his stead: woof woof! (that's thank you Crim! in dog language), so on his behalf and on behalf of all the other dogs out there, thank you for caring and loving him so much, that says a lot about you... Eilder out (I'm getting sentimental here)
Awesome photographs friend..
Beautiful article..