A Word from a Cranky Arugula

in #plants2 years ago (edited)


Hey you, leaf munching, flower chomping, veggie masticator who thinks you’re on top of the food chain because you don’t eat meat but only vegetables. ONLY vegetables. So it’s okay to just pluck up our genitals and put them in your dirty monkey mouth? Do you think we have no feelings? No consciousness and no awareness of ourselves in the environment? No agency and sentience? If that’s what you believe, then you’re dumber than you look.

I’ll have you know that as a matter of fact, plants do have consciousness. I’m not talking about some airy fairy idea of consciousness but real honest to goodness measurable consciousness. It’s not the same type of consciousness as your cuddly little puppies and cheerful cute little dolphins that you love so much. No, we don’t have soft fur or big bright eyes like mammals, nor do we walk around like we own the place. But we do have consciousness and thoughts and feelings. They’re just slightly different than yours. Take as an example our need for self preservation. What do you do if a tiger tries to chomp on your legs? You fight it off or flee. Well, just because we don’t have legs and arms doesn’t mean we ain’t capable brawling with the best of them. Take bugs for example, we can actually “hear” them when they start chomping on our leaves. Do you know what it’s like to hear yourself being eaten alive? Just like you react to a tiger gnawing on your arm, we react to creatures crawling over us by secreting chemicals. Is that not a form of consciousness?


I know you’ll raise many objections over the idea that plants can think for themselves.

“You don’t have a brain capable of any higher thought that allows you to do things like banking and leaving inheritance for future generations. You don’t feel love like us higher mammals.”

Obviously, not only are you a fool, but you’re also ignorant. Have you seen our roots? What does that network of fibers remind you of? Scientists have discovered that trees are capable of requesting and receiving loans in the form of nutrients. Is that not your precious banking? Researchers have also found that as the moment of their death nears, trees pass on said nutrients to future generations. Inheritance anyone? We’re also pretty xenophobic and prefer to be with our own kind. Is that not the very definition of love? Think about that next time you stuff your mouth with lettuce. The range of our behaviours is just beginning to be uncovered. It’s about time, and I’m sorry if I come across rude, but frankly I’ve had enough.



'A Word from a Cranky Arugula' said no one ever. Congrats for just totally delighting me with one of the best titles I've read on HIVE all minute. No, all year. Scratch that, ever.

You don’t have a brain capable of any higher thought that allows you to do things like banking and leaving inheritance for future generations

Ah, the arrogance of mankind.

And somewhere, this god plant is thinking: 'Humans, you don't have a brain capable of any higher thought than banking and passing on genetic inheritance to your kids, beholden to biological imperative - gosh, you're so like a - what is that thing on Litguru's side... - an ARUGULA!'

Heh. I'm happy it tickled your funny bone. We like to think of plants as stoic Athenians, but what if they're just a bunch of cranky smarty-pants? I better not let my arugula read this comment :)