Instant Regret
By
Me
Improv at We Make Movies
Special thanks to the We Make Movies community, please subscribe to their channel at youtube.com/WMMoriginals
INT. KITCHEN
A man looks in his freezer and reaches for a tub of ice cream. An arm juts in front of him, holding a pill box for Instant Regret! The man takes it, gulps down a pill, then looks sad and queasy.ANNOUNCER When you’re about to do something you know you’ll regret, try Instant Regret first! All the regret, none of the guilt!
The man just looks sad.
INT. BAR
It’s really crowded. A thirty-something couple sit at a table with fake excitement. Really loud music. He gestures towards the Beer Pong table for her to join him, they’re about to go, when that hand pops out with the pills.
ANNOUNCER Know you’re too old to go clubbing, but feel the need to regret a night out later? Save time with Instant Regret!
The 30-something couple pop some pills, then look sad, and get their coats and walk out the exit.
INT. BISTRO
A man on a blind date presents a still-in-its-original-package Jar Jar Binks action figure to a woman wearing a "Han Shot First" T-shirt. There’s tension.
ANNOUNCER You know this isn’t going to work out, so why waste your time?
The waiter comes out with two tall, fizzy glasses, alka seltzer style, with the Instant Regret box between them. The two drink the drinks and immediately look relieved, if disappointed.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Smart guy uses his laptop. Bum roommate hovers creepily; puts a hand of familiarity on Smart guy’s shoulder. Smart guy stops working.
BUM ROOMMATE Lemme show you my blog.
Bum roommate reaches for the keyboard. Freeze. Zoom in on Smart guy’s face and dream sequence dissolve to:
INT. LIVING ROOM, SINISTER
Smart guy backs, fearful, from his computer. Pop-up ads squeal from the screen. Sinister music builds as the mood lighting gets more and more sinister. Bum Roommate, lit from below, cackles.
BUM ROOMMATE You don’t mind. I needed a friend to help me finish my Farmville barn. I was already on your computer, so I thought I might as well whack it on your keyboard. I’m going out, when Peter comes over, tell him the crack is in your gardenburgers. I paid our rent with a cash advance from your Visa. And Oh, yeah. We’re out of toilet paper.
Jump cut back to
INT. LIVING ROOM, NORMAL
Still frozen.
ANNOUNCER Do you want to wait to regret allowing him to be so familiar with you and your stuff?
The pill box appears on the table next to Smart guy. He pops one. Unfreeze, Bum Roommate still reaching for the keyboard. Smart guy slaps Bum Roommate’s hand.
SMART GUY I regret meeting you.
INT. BEDROOM, COMPUTER
A disheveled fella with a thousand eBay tabs open hovers over the bid button on a bid of $457.53 on a Vintage Kiss Toaster. He quickly takes out an Instant Regret box, sees that there’s only one left, and pops it out, switches tabs to BUY NOW: a megapack of Instant Regret for $99.99, buys it and pops the pill in his mouth simultaneously. Then immediately tries to cancel the order, but it’s too late, closes his computer and goes to bed depressed.
ANNOUNCER No matter the price, Instant Regret saves you money!
Logo fills the screen: Instant Regret: When you can’t afford to hope.
ANNOUNCER Also available as an e-cigarette.
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