(I love my new hair as much as I love filters that turn me yellow... I like yellow.. anyway. Serious post)
It has been 10ish days since my last confession...
So, my laptop broke, which sucked. That was the place I made the majority of my money. Not loads like, but it was my gateway to the semblance of employment.
I did plan to buy a new laptop straight away, but then me and my boyfriend had a big conversation about the whole thing.
I'm not going to cam anymore.
This isn't anything to do with our relationship, but more my unhealthy relationship to camming. The behind the behind-the-scenes that no one saw.
Things were so different when I started camming. I was different. When I started I was able to hold down a decent job at the same time.. for about 4 months, before I had a lil mental breakdown and decided I had to choose one. I'd like to say I chose camming because I thought it would be better money, but the reality is I got black out maniac drunk when I was at a super low point and sent a pretty unforgiving 'resignation' text to my boss. Thankfully, he never replied.
And that was 18 months ago. I can't believe how much time has passed. Camming was never supposed to be a long term thing for me; believe it or not, I do have some tenuous future goals floating around my brain that don't involve getting naked.
It's hard. My whole life has felt quite directionless. Careerwise anyway. A familiar story I think, is people are pushed to do well in school, and then at the age of 16, make choices that lead you down certain life paths that can be hard to back track. I went to one college, dropped out. Went to another, and then to uni. After 2 years I dropped out. I don't regret it; I was enjoying my life too much. Degrees aren't for everyone.
(ahh the sweet times when we took selfies with digital cameras and selfies weren't even a massive thing and I had green hair before it was cool..)
I'm just a flighty person I guess. I want to try loads of things.. I need to marry rich (or work, like, super hard). Lucky for me my boyfriend is very supportive, otherwise I'd probably be a mess.
Cos seriously, camming was turning me into a mess. If you've read my blog posts all year, you'll know I wanted to quit a while ago but couldn't. I was burning out. And then when I could.. I was seriously considering it, but it's a hard job to leave. And now I have no choice, my flame's been snuffed out. It's no bad thing - camming was affecting me a lot: My health (drinking too much to get myself to that fun sexy TigerLily persona and then drinking to escape from that), my social life (living a double life WILL take its toll, as well as drinking too much). Something had to give and honestly, I'm glad it was my laptop.
I've had a beautiful week of self reflection. How can I get my sorry life back on track? Slowly but surely I will, but for now I have the luxury of being able to chill out and work on projects that I've ignored previously because I was going down a dark hole. I'm gonna redecorate my living room and you fucking better believe I'll post about that. Hope you like DIY bitches.
I really love writing this blog. While I'm unsure of my sexwork future, I'm happy to end the webcamming chapter. Bear with me while I figure out where I'm going.