Let's face it: It's hard to say.
If you want to say no to demand, it will create two conflicting desires. On the one hand, you want to protect your time, your body, and your self-esteem; on the other hand, you want to connect with others, please them, and match the group. * We all worry: "What if he is offended?" "What if he goes ballistic?" "What if he decides not to help me in the future?"
- With many people we can learn various things in life, you may want to say no short and continue it, regardless of creating some feelings of hurt or a little annoyed. * But if you are communicating with Other Significant People, co-workers, friends or relatives, it is a different story. You want to feed your relationship with this person, so you may want a little wisdom, diplomacy, or warmth when you refuse a request or talk about an unpleasant matter.
Is there a way to be assertive and admirable in life and without running so much risk of isolating the people who matter to you? Yes! You can use "empathic statements."
You may want a quick overview of assertive behavior first. "Firmness" is usually defined as: "A direct, honest, and appropriate way to defend your rights while respecting the rights of others." Instead, non-assertive behavior involves not talking and / or letting your rights be violated. Aggressive behavior is an oppressive behavior - it violates the dignity and / or rights of others.
What is the similarity of this situation?
You want to add exercise to your morning routine, but you're not sure if your partner will be happy with it. So you did not do anything.
Your mother persuaded you to have a delicious sweet potato cake. You're not hungry and paying attention to your weight, but you do not want to hurt her feelings, so you're forcing a smile, say yes, and stop.
Your friend made a cynical comment, and you get annoyed but do not say anything.
In each of these situations, you need to talk but not. If you do not defend yourself, your actions are not firm - let others violate or ignore your rights and feelings. If you've ever felt like a doormat, maybe you just have not been firm. The goal of non-assertive behavior is usually to avoid conflict; However, non-assertive habits can erode your pride and make you feel helpless, angry, helpless, or out of control. Infidelity can also undermine the purpose of your habitual change, as in the situation above.
- Many people confuse affirmation and self-aggression to others. While firm statements can be short and even rude (sometimes called "basic statements"), there is no name calling, blame, embarrassment, or similar tactics falling into the aggressive category. Simple "No" or "No thanks" is a very good basic statement.
A statement of empathy
come when you want to go above and beyond the basic assertive response. "Empathy," the ability to understand others by imagining how they can feel or think in certain situations, adds some heart to assertiveness. We will examine the four types in other parts of this blog: basic empathic statements, "nothing positive," "empathy empathy," and "gentle beginnings."
1. Basic Empathy Care
A short empathic assertion involves a simple two-part process. First, briefly acknowledge the other person’s point of view by conveying some appreciation for his or her situation, feelings, wants, or beliefs. (You don’t have to agree with them.) Second, state your own situation, wants, feelings, or beliefs.
Examples of brief empathic assertions include these:
- “I know that it's important to you, but I don’t want to do that.”
- “I can see that this isn’t a good time to talk, so I’d like to set up a time when we can.”
- “I know it’s hard to say exactly how much the repair will cost, but I’d like a ballpark estimate.”
- “I’m sorry, but I already have too much on my plate.”
The statement of empathy reduces the risk that others feel offended by your request or turn-down. In addition, people are more likely to listen to your wants and needs when they have been recognized first. You yourself may feel more comfortable talking with knowing that you are also gesturing to others that you care about them.
The problem: A short empathic assertion is so brief that it can come across as chilly, unfeeling, or formulaic. Fortunately, other types of empathic assertions are more effective in fostering closeness, respect, and warmth with the other person.
Below I describe three creative and excellent techniques that broaden the idea of empathy. These techniques take into account your need to protect and maintain valuable relationships while ensuring that your needs are met. They need a little psychological and TLC skills that are wise than other steadfast techniques, but they may be too risky for your relationship.
2. The “Positive No”
The basic empathic statement of "I'm sorry, but I can not do it" is useful when you want to give recognition to the claimant. While "I'm sorry but" is enough in many situations, this phrase can put a lot of people on a defensive warning because you lead with "No," according to economist and workplace expert Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day.
Instead she suggests using “the positive no.” This four-step process begins with a positive statement and includes much more warmth and self-disclosure than a basic empathic assertion.
Step 1: Warmly welcome and show appreciation at the request of others. Example: "I appreciate your thoughts about me to head this project. Thank you!"
Step 2: Share your current priorities and why they are meaningful to you. "The one thing I'm involved with today is the annual report, and I'm focused on doing a great job at it."
Step 3: Say no. "Unfortunately, I can not do both, so I have to reject your project."
Step 4: End with warmth by referring the requester to another person, making a suggestion, or just offering good wishes for a successful project.
Webb states that "... learning how to give positive science unlike stupidity is the way to discover new superpowers-it gives you the ability to work to make everyone feel better about the choices you make (including yourself).
3. Empathy Prompt I was surprised to learn that there was such an affirmation that could help people deal with and calm the narcissist in their lives. This fantastic technique is described in the book of clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, Rethinking Narcissism, in part helping narcissists recover from their disorders. (Yes, some narcissists may change!). You may find it helpful in dealing with someone in your life that is sensitive to criticism.
This is the most important three-step process;
- Step 1: This is the key step: Emphasize the importance of your relationship. Examples from the book: “I think you know that you mean the world to me.” “You are my best friend.” “You are one of the most important people in my life.” Like the “positive no,” leading with such a supportive statement helps reduce defensiveness and gives the narcissist reassurance that he or she is loved.
- Step 2: Use the "ABCD" method in this story ,,to describe your Affects (feelings) in I-language, Behavior that bothers you, and Consequences of that behavior. "If you do not greet me warmly when you get home from work (B), I feel sad (A), I do not seem to matter in our relationship (C)."
- Step 3: Describe what you want. "I want a hug or maybe just ask about my day." (D)
This approach encourages others to do and see the problem not as a complicated issue between you and me, but as a "we" problem that will help "us" improve our relationship.
Telling Others Significant, narcissistic or not, how much you care about them can change a relationship. Imagine how you would feel if your spouse started a conversation, even a confrontation, with you by saying, "You mean the world to me." You will be walking in the air!
4. Soft Start-Up
Super suggestions for couples / couples are made by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, researchers and marriage therapists. I feel this is a smart way to connect with your partner when you want to raise a disturbing problem or make you angry but you do not want to start a fire.
In ordinary circumstances, when a member of a partner is angry or upset about something, it is tempting to attack aggressively by blaming "your language:" "You never take into account my feelings." your friends are above me. "Gottmans labeled this approach with" a tough start. "Even the word" I-language "is firmly sometimes can be considered too dull or unconcerned:" When you date your friends without checking on me, I feel angry
A soft startup is a more empathetic way to start a confrontation. Check if your partner has a few minutes to talk. If yes, you can say something like ....
"You may not realize you are doing this, but I notice ..."
"I know you're having a lot of pressure right now, so I'm hesitant to discuss this, but it's important for me to ..."
To use soft start-up effectively, start mastering yourself and your own emotions. Take a deep breath to calm yourself. Then take a few moments to decide the best soft start up for this event. Let Gottmans motto, "Complain without blame," be your guide in the process of life.
Summing up the story in your life.
Are there any losses to this empathy statement? Sometimes, some people become so involved in others' perspectives that they can minimize their own needs and point of view. But this is usually a minor issue.
- A greater challenge may be that empathic assertions will not necessarily come naturally. You may have to do some mental rehearsal before you try them, or you could even practice role-playing with a willing friend. With practice, you will find that it gets easier to take the perspective of the other person and to treat them with the extra TLC that reflects their important place in your life.
No communication technique works all the time. Empirical statements may not change others, but being more tuned to others will change you!
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