Terms and conditions

in #thoughtslast month

I think we all like to believe that we know ourselves well, but I think that the reality of the situation is that we likely don't have much of an idea of what we do much of the time, let alone what we are capable of. It is a sad reality to come to the realization that not only do I now know what I was capable, I may never be capable of those things again, even if I did know.

At this point, it is impossible to say how far back to where I was I will be able to claw and on days like today where I don't feel that great, it seems further than way than ever.

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I have tried to find ways to express what I am going through, but it isn't that easy to get it across to those who have asked. At times, it is like I am walking down a familiar road I have been down a hundred times before, knowing exactly what is coming next and what to expect and then coming suddenly to the edge of a cliff that looks out into nothingness. It is a strange feeling to go from absolute familiarity to being completely in an unknown space with nowhere to go from one moment to the next.

Because I have written over the last years a lot and under many different conditions to the point that I know how my mind works quite well, it is even weirder to feel so much like a stranger in my own head. There is a feeling of disconnection from myself, where it is like I am hallucinating being me, or dreaming I am someone else. It is hard to explain, but even though my surroundings are familiar and I know what I am meant to be doing, it doesn't feel completely like it is my life that I am living.

I have always said how cathartic writing is for me and how it is able to order my head under times of duress and now, I guess I get to put this to the test in more extreme conditions. It might be that due to my writing, I will be able to have a bit of an advantage over myself, as I already have a process inbuilt to explore my mind, without having to create new habits.

One of my wife's friends has experience supporting stroke patients and the advice is for them to relax and do the things they enjoy in life. This is obviously going to be different for each person, but for me, I enjoy thinking and working and putting my mind under some level of stress, but it is like each time I do, someone says that I should do nothing instead.

next week, I am going to have to talk to my supervisor about my job going forward, as currently I am incapable of working, which by itself is a strange thing to explain - because I look okay. Yes, I have an ever so slight drop in the corner of my mouth, but nothing that anyone would notice unless they are married to me, but otherwise, I look healthy and sound healthy enough. Yet, it is only on the surface and just below, as soon as I have to start thinking with a little more complexity or considering a couple of simple things in combination, I struggle.

I am used to acting on the fly, processing multiple streams of information from several people simultaneously and then coming up with an approach, a solution, a story, that is suitable for the circumstances and able to transfer complex ideas to a range of people with various backgrounds, simply. Yesterday, I was struggling to manage my own thoughts, let alone parse the basic social conversations on topics I already understand well with depth of experience and background.

It is embarrassing.

And I know that they understand and they are being patient and are very forgiving on my current state - but I am struggling to be forgiving on myself, because I still have the sense that I know who I am, even though far too often, I end up standing at that psychological cliff, staring into the abyss.

I know that I have to be patient with myself too of course, and that I have to spend more time learning about myself again, rediscovering what is possible, what isn't, what needs work, what is good to go. I have to spend a lot of time reading the fine print in order to make sure I have a good grip on the terms and conditions of who I currently am and what who I am is able to do to improve.

It has only been a week since the first major incident when the ambulance was called and only five days since I was admitted to hospital, so there is a lot of aspects to this that have to settle and will naturally improve. Yet, there is still this sense that I am already losing mental flexibility and I can feel the muscles in my face pinching a little tighter. I feel I have to start rehabbing sooner, rather than later.

But don't rush...

For those reading this, I am not sure if you are getting a lot of value out of it, but what I am hoping is that perhaps people are getting some sense of what I and others like me might be going through at various stages. While it might not help you right at this moment, maybe it will help you in the future with yourself or someone you love and care about.

For me, this is a highly valuable process, but it isn't just writing about this directly, so as normal, I will keep adding all kinds of content as it arrives into my mind and testing the boundaries of my personal terms and conditions, rewriting them for the better, as I can.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

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Life is pushing buttons, take one day at a time as best you can. Try spend time outdoors or at a window let thoughts tumble out, yes jot them down if that helps in re-organizing self.

Out of body experience, rely on those around you to be guided, I am no doctor, not a nurse, just a mother... so no credentials, just be the best you can through the process of getting better.

It is good advice.

At the moment, I get tired doing very little. Kind of like always needing a bit of a nap.

Naps promote healing process. Big picture is to heal, some it happens quickly others slightly slower, take time, be patient with yourself.

I am a patient person, until it comes to myself. I guess it is something I now have time to work on :)

Sorry no advice on how to obtain patience, I have a couple to work on... or just accept! Can't be perfect all of the time 😂

Why would anyone want you to do nothing, that sounds boring and somewhat counterproductive o_O

It is very boring. I think they just don't want me to overdo myself, but for me it is very hard to go from what I was doing, to doing nothing much. I will have to find a balance somewhere... when no one is looking :)

They think thinking and writing is going to tax you too much? o_O

Or are you talking about work activities and renos? That you probably shouldn't be running around so much XD

It seems they don't want me to do much of anything. But I have convinced them that writing a bit is useful. I do get tired though.

Sleep for a day. That should be enough rest then right ;D

I think you may actually have to stop/slow right down when you get tired at least for a while rather than pushing through it :)

I am not pushing through much at the moment and just taking it easy - even watching some football on TV ... that is how low my IQ has fallen ;D

I’m impressed you can sit still long enough to watch TV 😆

I think I am getting some understanding. I lived in a drug fog from nerve blockers for almost a year, it was like I was a detached person just watching myself go through the motions of life.

I've had a few health issues over the years and both my mother and father had mild strokes, so that is something I am not looking forward to. I saw with my mother some of the issues, I was off living my own life when my father had his. It was never explained really what happened and it was all rather hush hush around the kids when my mother had hers.

So here I will be able through your writings to get a glimpse of understanding of what a stroke was, and of some of the issues my parents went through, and what may or may not be in store for me in the future.

I am glad you are improving some.

it was like I was a detached person just watching myself go through the motions of life.

Yes, it is something like this.

I think you are much like me in this regard - you know yourself well and if this does happen (hope not), you will have a very good baseline of your own normal. I think it helps.

Also think about talking to smallsteps maybe? I don't have kids, but I still remember from the kid side of life, but I was a lot older than she i now I was 16 when my mom had her stroke, and the understanding was never there for me.

She will grow with you regardless of any conversations you have, perhaps there will be more to voice their thoughts on how much to tell a small kid, maybe someone that remembers from being small.

Because I have written over the last years a lot and under many different conditions to the point that I know how my mind works quite well, it is even weirder to feel so much like a stranger in my own head.

One of my wife's friends has experience supporting stroke patients and the advice is for them to relax and do the things they enjoy in life.

In my opinion, he might be right in some extent. ¡Think about it!

I enjoy thinking and working and putting my mind under some level of stress, but it is like each time I do, someone says that I should do nothing instead.

And all those "someones" that also say the same might be right too!! :)

They might be right, they might be wrong - one thing I don't do is put my fate willingly in the hands of others if I can help it. I am happy to blame myself, I am happy to be blamed - but I don't want someone to blame themselves over something they told me to do.

Hahaha, seems like you actually like fight sleep as a toddler. And as you say: "You enjoy putting your mind under some level of stress"

But... just stop there a bit and ask you why?
¿Why insist in putting your mind under some level of stress? ¿For what specifically?

We are talking here about sleep and rest well every time when you actually know that you need it.

So, why not switch your daily dosage of stress for a higher dose of relax, rest and sleep whenever you have the chance just as a test?

Stress always will have the formidable mania of getting to you if you don't even look for it.
¿So why bother looking for it?

And regardless of the eventual results to which this new experiment leads you. Take into account that there aren't and never will be anyone to blame for anything. Absolutely no one!!

Put your fate where it should be put. And wait patiently for the good results without having to force them. Perhaps it is precisely in the dream world where you will finally find the peace and inspiration to move forward without stress. Just dare to enter into the oneiric world more often. :)