Another Letter to Amanda

in #writing2 years ago

Hi again Amanda! It's that time of year... Around when we first met.
I'll definitely never forget that... That was so magical chatting with you online almost every day and then when we met in person down at the creek!

I remember seeing you walking behind me and I wasn't sure if it was you, then getting a hug by the water and hearing your voice... The most gentle kind voice... It's still hard to me to believe someone like you could even exist.

The walk back with a beautiful sunset and then the kittens came out to play with us and then that hug at the end when I left you at your house... And much, more... I remember a lot more details, but those were some of the highlights for sure!

Where to start in regard to what's been going on with me... There's so much that's been going on...
It's been close to a year and a half since I got sick and I'd say I'm pretty close to back to normal.

My scars on my neck and stomach both look a lot better now, the one on my neck still hurts and stings a bit from time to time... Though, it's not that bad.
I wouldn't say I'm as strong physically as I was before, but I'm pretty close and I'm much stronger mentally/spiritually than I was before! That's for sure.

I've been learning a lot about healing and many other subjects and have been exploring new artforms and improving in a lot of areas especially in regard to my general happiness and well being!
I feel like I'm finally really starting to bloom in some significant ways and am very optimistic about certain things in the future!

With all the progress I'm making with my OCD and in other areas I feel proud of myself and feel like the next main thing to work on is to start making more money!
Time will tell, but feeling positive about the potential in that area/arena as well!

Something major happened in my life recently which I'm not ready to talk about, yet I am super duper excited about it and the weather is finally cooling down so I went on an adventure recently and hope to go on another one today!

I have a feeling some really incredible things are going to happen in the not too distant future and I look forward to telling you and everyone else! :) Though, something tells me you already know if you're there with me in spirit like I think you are.

I've also been playing around with a new art form called A.I. art, or "artificial intelligence", it's likely not really sentient from my perspective like some believe or suggest and is just advanced photoshop basically, but... It's really amazing and fun and I've been doing it almost every day since I learned about it!

The broader world is still pretty crazy and there's a lot of unpleasant stuff going on, yet I feel very grateful to be kind of secluded or sheltered here in Sedona...

This place is according to some the "New Age Capital of the world" and various secret societies seem to love this area, so I have a feeling it will be a pretty safe place to be compared to many other places in the world! I'm still worried, but also trying to keep as positive as reasonably possible.

In other news I do unfortunately still feel like I'm going to become the 40 year old virgin as it takes a while for me to get comfortable around someone and I'm less than a year away now, however... I also think I'm in a better position than ever to meet someone and I feel really confident that it's going to happen in the next few years! Especially if I can start making some decent money! I think that's the main thing holding me back now.

Speaking of such... I did have one "almost" "sort of" romantic experience?
And, it may not be right for me to even say that, yet I do feel like I fell in love again to an extent.

Though, I'm kind of confused about that because I never even kissed her and don't feel like she quite felt the same way about me, especially because of how things played out in the end... But, then again I never kissed you either and even though you said some really nice things about me I'm not psychic and I don't know if you felt similar about me as I felt about you either...

It doesn't really matter to me if the feeling was mutual, I fall in love with others even if they don't care about me.
I actually told you about her once before in one of these letters because she told me she had a crush on me and when I told her about my OCD and money issues she gave me the impression that she was still going to give me a chance despite my flaws... But... Then she just started ignoring me shortly after that and I found out not too long after that she was with someone else.

This time she did very similar and she said things like that she "believed in me" and that she "missed me" and some other nice things and then shortly after that she ignored me again and once again I found out the hard way that she was back with that other guy again...

There were a lot of other details as well and things she said to make me think she was interested in me romantically, but I don't want to get into the details too much and... Um....

I dunno, I have difficulty understanding how others can say things like that and lead you on or make you believe certain things only to totally contradict such so soon after... If she really believed in me and missed me, then why did she ignore me like that and not even tell me that she was back with that other guy?

It wouldn't have hurt nearly as much if she had just been open and straight forward and told me what was going on... And, to me it feels like she only tries to talk to me when she's lonely or having issues with her relationship, so... I'm pretty over it now and moving on with my life.

I had been so caught up in trying to heal and improve my situation with money, plus being a bit jaded from all the rejection in the past that I wasn't even really looking for romantic love very much, it wasn't until she showed a certain amount of interest and we hung out a couple of times and then she made plans with me and cancelled two days later claiming she forgot she made plans...

And, I was thinking... How much do you really care and want to hang out if you forget we made plans two days ago? I also felt like she was already back with her ex at that point because she used certain "friend" language that she used to justify her not sending me a message when I was paralyzed and dying in the hospital... When I said something to express my hurt to her in regard to that, she said it hurt her feelings and then I started to develop stronger feelings for her because I don't like hurting others even if they hurt me first and it opened my defenses a bit...

I didn't even think what I said was that bad and it was much kinder and tamer than what I would have said in the past before I learned about non-violent communication and forgiveness and such, but she said it hurt her and after that I opened up more and I decided to try to love her like I fell in love with you and the other women I fell in love with...

So... I did try much harder after that to lower my walls and defenses and it didn't seem to matter... It never does. I kind of expected it as sad as that is to say... Women always end up showing interested to a certain level and then ditching me for someone else no matter how much I try and that's a significant reason it took me so long to open up so much in the first place.

As heartbreaking and painful as all that was... I still recovered the quickest I've ever recovered from a heartbreak of such kinds thanks to all that I've been learning about self-love and such and I realize now that she must struggle with self-love in order to treat others like that... So instead of getting mad at her, I try to wish her the best and hope she heals.

I feel like it's going to be even more difficult to fall in love again in the future if it ever happens again.
Though, I'm trying to not be too guarded with my walls too high and I tend to be a big softy and fall in love too quick when others don't feel the same about me so I won't be surprised if something like that happens again, or maybe multiple times!

I'm sure there are some other things I could mention, though this is getting kind of long... So I think I'm going to end it here. Love you so much and as always I hope you're doing as good as possible where ever you are. ❤️🦋🌈

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