however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.
― May Sarton
Cemetery Gates
It was only a dream but I awoke gasping for air and covered in sweat.
It was what I always feared from these past life flashbacks. If I ignored them they'd remain dormant and benign, but if I explored them, they'd lead to a grave―Cindy's or mine.
Marilyn's latest revelations seemed to fan to life smouldering embers, particularly her description of witnessing her mother being murdered and then immolated.
No wonder Mar lost her memory but was the life she gained her true destiny? Yeah, that was the question.
That's the problem with the past―it's never dead nor totally past, but always returns to torment your angst.
I glanced at the clock―just past eight. I fell asleep on my sofa, too exhausted to make supper and now I was shivering in my damp clothes.
I went upstairs, stood under a warm shower, changed into my sweats and came back down to make dinner.
The fridge was empty so I ordered pizza and opened a bottle of Yellow Tail cab sav and relaxed before the fire.
I was actually drifting off to sleep again when the doorbell rang. I opened to see Cindy smiling holding a pizza box while the delivery car drove off.
"I hope you didn't pay him," I laughed, "I used my credit card over the phone."
"Nope, but I did tip him―you owe me."
"What do you have in mind?" I teased.
She kissed me hard and long. "This is a downpayment―I'd like wine and dessert too and that should do it."
"I'm so happy you're here," I said, burying my face in her long hair. "That's your scent, " I murmured, "snowflakes and wind―you should bottle it."
She gave me an elfin grin. "But then it would lose its magic. I always want you longing for me―that's not too much to ask, is it?"
I kissed her back deeply. " No, but wanting it to last forever, that could be a problem."
"I'm here now, Laird, and our pizza's getting cold. We can worry about forever later. I'm famished."
"What am I, your sugar daddy―always feeding you?"
"Naw, nothing like that. You look after me―I like that. It's good to have somebody care for me."
We sat before the fire, pizza box open on the coffee table, and just used napkins and our hands and, of course, drank too much wine―I opened a second bottle.
"You're not driving home I hope?" I was concerned, seeing the empty bottles.
"Erin will come and get me. I'm not staying over if that's what you were thinking."
I shook my head and smiled. The girl still retained that Thirties sense of propriety.
"Mar told me how you saved her and Scott―that was pretty heroic."
She lowered her head and whispered, "It wasn't that―it was very brutal. I got mixed up and thought Scott was you―'my long lost love'. I kissed him while Mar lay unconscious."
That must have been hard, thinking you were losing him again to Mar. I don't know how you do this."
"What―the job?" she asked, "it's what I'm trained to do."
"No, I mean this whole past life thing―it just seems so futile."
"Not when I end up with you―you're what I've been seeking in all these lives. You give my life meaning."
I looked into her huge dark eyes and knew she also was what I was seeking.
In that instant I was convinced I'd endure rebirth and the grave over a thousand lifetimes and swim through the earth if necessary just to find her, so our remains could mingle forever.