It seemed like just another day as a humdrum dad in a humdrum neighbourhood but little did I know what the events of the day would bring.
It started out innocuously enough. My family gathered around the bed where I was doing my best to sleep off a truckload of wine that I had rip-roaringly guzzled the night before.
I believe at one point I had even leapt upon an imaginary dragon and flew around the room pronouncing myself the King of the Wine.
I woke to a chorus of Happy Birthday to you...!
Through the hip hip hooraying I managed to crack an eye open and grunt for water. The family obliged by laying down a tray filled with water and various fried things that only a Scotsman could love.
I would have wept with gratitude but my hangover had claimed all of the water in my body and I was a mere dehydrated shell awaiting the chance to flower again one day.
The family retreated from the room cheering loudly that my presents awaited downstairs.
I shook my head and set about the feast they had prepared me, in order to be ready for the so-called presents down below.
Some time later I tentatively stepped into the living room where once again I was regaled with a loud chorus of Happy Birthday. I tried to look manly and not faint or lean on anything.
My daughter, the Little Lady escorted me to the couch and advised me to sit down because a present storm was coming in hard and fast.
They began passing me various garishly wrapped things and imploring me to open it, OPEN IT.
Manfully I did and we went through the traditional check box items of socks, a mug, an item of clothing, a book etc etc etc. In fact, all of the usual shite that I could barely give a hoot for.
Then I opened something sloshy sounding and despite my body heaving with post-wine jitters I grinned long and hard to see a bottle of Lagavulin 16-year-old Whisky.
Perhaps today was going to be a good day after all.
And yet, there was one more present still to come.
The Good Lady stepped forward and handed me a smaller gift. She had a cheeky smile on her face as she saw me start to unwrap it.
What could it be? Why was she acting so mysterious? Could it top the whisky? Nah, surely nothing could top the whisky?
Good fucking god? What... what in the name of black fuck was this? Bollock cream?
Bollock cream?
I crooked a terrible eyebrow at the Good Lady.
I saw this and knew you would love it.
She chirped excitedly.
Do you love it?
She grinned nervously and I looked first at her and then at this gigantic tube of bollock cream.
My bollocks were already one of the great wonders of the world. Could they be improved? Should they be improved?
I blinked rapidly. I didn't know if the world was ready for Silk Purse 2.0 but even as I thought that I found myself grinning.
I held my arms out to the Good Lady and she came in for a big cuddle.
I looked over her shoulder and chortled to myself.
Get ready world, the Ball King is coming.
😁😅 Undoubtedly that beat whiskey, hahahaha.... Belated congratulations. Look at this how I had missed your birthday! 😣
Hehe, ah yes, the whisky was fine but I think I am appreciating the velvety bollocks 🤣🤣
Just as long as it doesn’t work like Nair the hair remover, I’ve heard through the grapevine that shit hurts on the boys! Silky smooth balls better be on the menu for the good lady.
Happy birthday to you and the smooth boys!
Cheers man, this stuff I can report after done decent usage is actually fucking amazing!! I'm a convert! 😀😀
wish you a blessed happy birthday and glad to know good lady is heling you
Cheers!!
It was very good! 🙂
Man, more than smiling, I imagine every moment of yours with your family and I feel moved, how beautiful it is to have a family like that, the good lady is always ready to assist you and smiles despite your sometimes very heavy jokes, and your children, so cute, they DID NOT care that you had a hangover.
Man GOD bless you and your family, and happy birthday
It's all about the jokes! That's what keeps it alive!! Cheers mate!
Look at ya there on your balcony with your lovely smelling ball sack looking down on us sweaty balls.
That's me, all deodorised and happy!!
Sweaty balled plebs!!
This was very wholesome and heartwarming. A Lagavulin 16 is really nice. I think I heard a saying that a good way to beat a hangover is to drink a little more haha. But a Bollock balm? That might be the first time I've heard or seen one. I wonder if it has a cool feeling when applied.
Happy birthday, and I hope you have many more to come!
Yes indeed, we call drinking a bit more the next day Hair of the Dog Its quite famous in Scotland!
It doesn't feel cool thankfully. That might be a bit odd! :OD
I haven't tried a bollocks balm before, and I consider the product itself odd haha. I don't even know its purpose. I read 'soothing' so I thought it would have a slightly cool feeling. Now I'm lost.
Dont worry, Ithink we are all lost when it comes to such things. I had no idea they existed and I am torn between being happy in my ignorance or now knowing such things :OD
I guess the question now is, now that you've tried it, do you like it? haha
I really do. Tis splendid stuff!
Omg the wonders that people invent, I would not have imagined that someone would think of a cream even for.... this:))) Enjoy it, seems like very fresh times are coming your way. With a scent of aloe vera:))
Hehe, yes indeed. The imagination knows no bounds. I had no idea there were such things either. At first Ithought it was a joke product! :O)
Oh I bet there are so many odd products that actually have a market that we have no clue about. Better not go into that rabbit hole:))
Yes indeed there are places that are no good to dwell!
There is always something better man, you should be glad that the good lady is helping you to progress.
She is helping me to level up!! 😀
Happy birthday 🎂 I hope this coming year will be lots of fun for you :)
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Cheers man!! I have high hopes for this year!! 😁
Should be a great year :)
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The gift that keeps on giving. Very nice. Happy birthday dude.
Cheers man, its one of the odder ones I have had for sure! 😀
Lol. A Happy belated birthday to you! I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone came up with this. I'm not sure how old you are but just about everything starts to dry out after age 50.
Cheers dude!!!
I think I qualify for the drying and this stuff is splendid!! 😀😀😀
Happy birthday my dear Mr boom, I wish that today and always ♾️ your life is full of life, health, peace, love and whiskey that you will never miss with a good table wine if it is red much more 😋 yummm put out your candle in union of your beloved wife, children and closest friends, receive my hug and happy birthday to youuuuu ✨🔥🧁
Thank you very much. I feel like a fine wine, maturing with each year!! 😀😀
Woo-hoo, as a good wine of good taste and reserve 🤩
That's what I tell everyone, lol
Happy birthday - may the (fresh-as-a-daisy) balls be with you! Thank you for the giggle! xx
Cheers and you are welcome!!
And they are indeed a fresh as a daisy!! 🙂🙂
Well I've never been given bollock cream. I feel deprived!
Enjoy the whisky. I expect a full report.
It's quite the thing. I thought it might be gimmicky but it's actually good!!
And the whisky is tops!
Just don't confuse the two!
What, you mean this isn't a Bailey's!?? 🤣🤣
Haha, what, you
I hate the way your posts create more questions than answers.
Are you sure she's not simply telling you they were a bit salty and gross previously, hence the need for the soothing, fragrant balm?
She 'just saw this'??? What sort of shops does your dear lady frequent? Do they now sell this in Boots?
Isn't 'Silk Purse' another name for a pig's ear?
I've got to try and sleep now, it's late here and all this stuff is going round my head now and I can't stop singing that chocolate salty balls song....
....and happy birthday, of course. Its mother's day soon. I sense revenge!
Chocolate salty balls!! What a catchy bastard that one was!! Now I've got it in my head.
I suspect they may have been salty sweaty things before and now they are marvellous silky polarised l pleasures... 🤣🤣
with only a passing pigs ear resemblance!
yo quiero conocer ese 🐉🐲
¡¡¡Algunas cosas es mejor no saberlas!!!
pero si la persona quiere??
Happy Birthday !
She knew you would love it just because of the words on the tube.
I did think you were going to say you handed it back to her with one of your favorite grins and demand er...uh....I mean suggest she put some on you. (Maybe that was later)
Your family knows how to make a birthday special !
(What on EARTH will they come up with next?!?!)
If the children hadn't been messing about then I think that very scenario would have happened!!
As soon as I saw it I was like, ha bloody magic! 😀😀
Sounds like you guys were having a ball! or two
Happy
ballsbirthday!Cheers man!! From both me and my silky balls!! 🤣🤣
Hahaha! I guess there's a first time for anything ( cheers from a pair of balls )
:OD
🥂
All Hail the Ball King!! You will be sauntering about like a boss with those good smelling, silky balls. Good on Mrs. Boom for treating her man like a king! So sorry to hear about the hangover, but...that whiskey will help immensely lol
Happiest of Birthdays to you!!
Hangover come and hangovers go! I am feeling relatively fresh at the mo so all good.
Whisky and ball cream, surely a man cant ask for more :OD
Now you can lie back in the bath with floating balls to admire, then some creaming later..., in more ways than one!
If it was the big day, hope you recovered enough to enjoy some Lagavulin 16-year-old Whisky later in the day.
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I did enjoy some! It was earlier in the week and I only fell recovered now lol!!
Long walk after greasy breakfast normally back on track !LOLZ
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We have some sun today, it's still freezing but I got ridiculously excited to be outdoors!
Colder temperature makes you pep up into smart march to rid a babelaas !LOLZ that is slang here for a 'hangover'.
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I love the slang terms over there!!
Very expressive and catchy!
A belated Happy Birthday to the Ball King!
Guessing, 330ml? The missus must have signed you up to a weekly subscription 😆
Wahaha!!! I would say a little goes a long way 😀😀
But aye, even then, a weekly subscription is required to cover those leviathans!!
Sounds like a top product to tame Moby and friends!
It is actually really good. I was a wee bit unsure but it totally keeps them dry!!
I keep chasing the Good lady demanding she feels em so it might have backfired on her somewhat
Wouldn't it be rude not to feel the benefits of the present?
If you can slip a teabaggin in unnoticed, the cream has passed!
Hehe, aye. That would be a slapping offense!! 😂😂
and with the gonads out who knows where the hand will land! 😲
Lke what you did with the birthday suit.
I have always felt an affinity with blue :OD
Hungover, at your age, sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do...
Ball cream eh? Is it a moisturizer or for chaffing...? I'm intrigued. P.S. I can read the label - the photo is cut off half way through on my end so I can just read: "Dr. Balls Fresh llocks"
Makes one think that it might be "ball hair" cream
😂
Happy Birthday
Hehe, it's a different and moisturizer and I think it is an anti persistent as well because it keeps em soft and dry. Too much info indeed. But it really helps with sticky thigh balls 🤣🤣
Lmao 😂 quite the product!
They decided to cover all bases!
There are many problems in life, life should be enjoyed in the same way as you are living drinking and having fun with your friends and family.
Indeed, let problems be problems another day!
Belated happy birthday to you
That lady’s present should be your favorite😅
Cheers and It most definitely is!!
Happy birthday to you
I’m sure the good lady’s gift was your best 😅😅
I think it might have been! 😀
Happy birthday, may your days always be enjoyable
Thank you, I hope they are! 🙂
Fucken lolled at silk purse 2.0. Cracked me up for some reason.
I've already said it elsewhere but, I hope you and your silky balls had a good birthday.
You have indeed mate and it was a cracker! I was torn between 2.0 and 3.0 but hell nothing is 3.0 yet :OD
Lol Fresh Bollocks, interesting name and I'm not sure I would be thrilled to get that. I mean are you saying that my bollocks aren't fresh already?
Fresh Bollocks or maybe Fresh Bawbags...
Lol Happy birthday and enjoy a wee dram or three!
And I should really check what account I am logged into before I comment on one of your posts 🤣
Lol, I was looking at that one and thinking. Whats this then :OD
I can only presume that despite my protestations perhaps they weren't so fresh before!! Either that or she actually listens when I complain about thigh-ball-stick in summer :OD
Get 1 or 1.5 liter water near your in bed after you drink that much. It would help you to be better the next day 😄
I already do. I'm a dab hand at this kind of thing! 😀😀
I bet you are :)
Heh heh 😀
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!LOL, you animal, the BoomSack indeed.
Man, i hate hangovers, so much that i try not to drink more than like 4 beers, but also had a serious ulcer 15 years ago.
But Happy Bday man, cheers to many more, and many more stories for us on Hive!
!BEER
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