Source: Image by @katharsisdrill
Mort, the Shit Manager is a spin-off fictional series of short stories based loosely on the thoughts of David Mortenson, the tyrannical Kwiksave store manager who features in my auto-biographical series 'The Horrors of Kwiksave'.
Mort the Shit Manager Complete Chronology
- Mort as a Stock Lad -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Flat Arse' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mort's Interview' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Armchair Club' - (May 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fresh Cream' - (November 1978)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Demise of Reginald Bulge' - (January 1979)
- Mort as a Manager -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oxidation' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fart Councilling' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Interview' - (October 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Curves' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bribe' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Agnus' - (December 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Agnus' Surprise Visit' - (March 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bloody Nose' - (July 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Brent's 'Druff' - (September 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Sacking of Brent' - (September 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: Edith's Offerings - (October 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: Hector's Deal: Part One - (October 1980)
- Mort as a Manager with @slobberchops -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oppression Supreme' - (December 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Heat Machine' - (March 1981)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Day Off' - (April 1981)
"Edith, we have to work together on this, can you supply a stock lad who is neither a brainless dimwit like Brent, nor a muscle-bound psychotic lunatic like that Jim Beef character you offered Kwiksave yesterday?"
James Beef, 6 feet 2 inches and 270 lbs of pure muscle was as true as the name, and had arrived two hours late for the interview. He had threatened to ‘destroy Kwiksave’ if Carrot refused to hire him and that was before the questions began.
Source
The police had been called and it had taken four officers to contain ‘Beef’, as well as several clouts around the head with batons and the use of a Taser gun. Enough was enough, and Elton was not going to take anymore of these lunatics.
Carrot didn't like Mort, but didn't want to see him beaten to death by a psychopath like Beef.
...a psychopath murders a narcissist, wouldn't that be poetic justice?...
Source
...'Edith had needs, and not just smoking ones, this was one devious frustrated old lady'...
Edith shuffled around Carrot, looking him up and down appraisingly with a feverish glint in her eye, before belching out a huge cough torrent followed by a bout of uncontrolled retching.
“You have a nice arse cutie”, she croaked, stretching out toward Carrot's rump. The ginger curly-haired assistant manager leaped back in alarm.
Is she a geriatric sexual manic as well as a compulsive smoker?
“Oh come on you sexy ginge, I could give you ginger babies" rasped Edith as Carrot found undiscovered agility he never knew existed, leaped over a counter firmly placing something between the two of them, and bolted.
Without pause he ran for the door but not before colliding head-first into two huge monster blokes barring the way.
“WOAH, WOAH boy.., where the fuck are you going to so quickly?”
Source
Carrot looked up dazed upon a freaky monster of a man with.... horns. Could this day get any worse?
"Hey wait, are you Mort, I have heard stories about you and they are not good Gringo..."
“My boy here is due an interview and he better get hired or you Morty boy will be getting a visit courtesy of Angel Dust”
What the fuck was going on; was this some kind of living nightmare and what was ‘Angel Dust’?
"Let me at him boss…", growled Hector's accompanying gorilla who was cracking his knuckles in anticipation.
“NOOOOOOOO….Hector, he's not Mort, he's... mine…”, came a shrieking raspy voice from the back of the Job Centre.
Hector glanced up surprised and grinned at the reeling Edith, showing surprisingly white teeth that contrasted with the tattoos, piercings, and horns.
Source
...'Carrot, the target of Edith's sexual desires. Tobacco breath, wrinkles, cellulite and experience could be his on the flick of a finger'...
“Found yourself a Ginger boyfriend Edith?, don’t worry I don’t care about your fantasies… just our ongoing deal”
Deal, what the fuck was happening? This was Rawtenstall and this freak of nature looked like a Columbian drug lord.
"You Ginger lad, go back to Kwiksave and make sure my boy Razor is hired tomorrow, that's if he passes Edith's intense screening hehe…., I know 'Stock Lad' is a prestigious job like"
Walking back to Kwiksave, Carrot tried in earnest to process what had just happened.
- ‘Angel Dust’ was what? They were not going to kill him, for now.
- Razor Rathwire would be interviewed tomorrow, and needed to be hired as a ‘Stock Lad’
- Who was Hector, was he Columbian and somehow linked to Pablo Escobar?
- Mort had somehow gained a dangerous enemy, what was the motive?
- Could he Carrot, also get cool horns placed in his head like Hector?
Tomorrow was going to be interesting.
…TO BE CONTINUED…
Mort, the Shit Manager is a Serial Shitposting Fiction Story inspired by Torundel the Shitposter by @katharsisdrill, Ren du Lot, the Shit Lawyer by @vcelier and Nordlute, the Shit Sysadmin by @steevc.
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Time for ginger nuts to get dipped in some Edith flavoured tea!!
Ah.., there are other reasons why Edith has suddenly become lustful, all will be revealed in part II... hehe... 😀
She sounds like many am old bird I've worked with. Only a few years ago one slapped my arse in work and I was genuinely speechless!
I wouldn't know what to say myself, speechless is good sometimes!
Sometimes it's safer!
Adult content is one thing, but we need stronger warnings for some of those pics! I'm not used to seeing smoking these days! :)
Why would anyone be that desperate for such a shitty job. I smell nefarious purposes...
I had to search hard for that Hector image. I found it in 2008, and used it to wind someone up on Facebook, he was called Hector then too 😀
Edith's character is evolving into something else. Who know what goes through the minds of innocent old ladies?
Old ladies have needs too. Some young guys actually like a few wrinkles.
I have many wrinkles, but as blokes we just become craggy (more like zombie)...
Me too :)
Edith mounting her broom stick prepping for angel dust event, next round dithering fantabulous idiots in one place all at the same time, life is good!
!BEER
'Angel dust', now that.., you hit on something there!
Stealth fighter 🙃
Haha. I remember my local Kwiksave back in the day was next to a DSS office and was not such a desirable place to go shopping in case you met lots of dodgy characters on the dole/social.
The Rawtenstall branch was quite close to the DSS office where the doleys would go and collect their money. I was on it for a short time, and remember.
Yeah, I did a stint on it myself, those DSS offices are depressing as hell.
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Haha, wonderful! Mort lives on and with a reverse gerontophiliac! Perfect.
I wrote a full script and then realised most of it had been done before. The perils of doing a chapter at a time, and then inserting content in between. Its a bad idea! I had to bin it and start again thinking up this Edith idea..., writing the UX stuff is so much easier 😃
Edith for the win!
This started in a crazy manner, and I'm all for it. The characters seem out of this world and I look forward to their shenanigans. I'm excited to see how Carrot tries to control all these personalities.
LOL, me too and as yet, I don't know how 😀
That guy should be called Lord of the Rings😅
He does have a few... 😀
Funniest part for me : had needs not just smoking ones😂😂😂😂😂 Good one Slobber😂😂
lmao this made my day ! :3
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