One of the recurring themes in my life these days is having the courage to live life by my own terms.
Most people who look at me would assume that I am already doing this, but I am making many many compromises in order to avoid conflict.
It’s not to say that I shouldn’t try to avoid conflict but it depends on how much I am holding myself back. Is my best work being held back because I am scared to ruffle a few feathers? Am I stiffling myself by constantly censoring what I say, and categorically hiding parts of myself?
The easiest way to succeed in the world is to find an echo chamber and say something in a way that hasn’t been said before. It means hiding whatever might rub your audience the wrong way, and saying what you came to say but only saying the parts they want to hear.
I do not want to limit myself to an echo chamber. I don’t think my work is meant for everyone, but it certainly transcends narrow tropes and specific subcultures. I am someone who seeks to blend things which have never been blended, to build bridges where people think it’s impossible.
I need to be brave.
It’s difficult to know where and when is the right place to express something, but as a rule, if it’s exciting to express, it’s probably worth expressing. If it feels scary and also exciting, that means you may grow in a big way. If it just feels tiring, it probably isn’t worth it.
Recently I am working on pushing myself to dress more in a way that feels like I feel inside, colorful and wavy. I’m pushing myself to wear things I’d never wear and not to feel nervous about it.
I’m talking about things in public which I would reserve to only this blog or conversations with my closest friends before. That means letting my parents and my students and old classmates see more of who I really am, even if it’s uncomfortable for them.
I’m also trying admit to myself when I feel rage or sadness without slipping into a negative feedback loop. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about what I want, and get to the core of what drives all of my actions.
I always want to be playful so I am being playful in bigger ways with less shame.
Today my partner and a friend were with me when a nearby schools end of the day bell rang out for 1 minute. We started singing and dancing to the tune as if we were at a celebrity event. I felt a pang of shame in what idiots we must have looked like but when i turned around the 5 of the 20 people at the park were smiling at us and the rest probably hadn’t even noticed.
I feel big things coming from this next level I am steppingninto and I can’t wait!
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