Have you ever had to live with a person who complains a lot, focuses mostly on negative stuff and uses curse words regularly and loudly? Who, on top of all of that, doesn't take kindly to comments on their attitude and reacts poorly when others express dislike about it? If you have, and especially if you currently do, I understand you entirely. One of my sisters is just like that. I was writing these very words, for instance, she was muttering imprecations in the kitchen while tending to her dog and getting ready to prepare food.
It's really hard to learn to deal with something like that, it drains one's energy and generally diminishes the quality of living in any space. In previous posts I've talked about the conflicts I've had with her because of that, some of them fairly recently. At the moment, she rarely addresses me which used to bother me but I now see the blessing in it, because she no longer issues her criticism or tells her "jokes" regarding me openly, and I can mostly ignore her. Fortunately, I've trained myself to acknowledge all of my emotions so I can feel when her comments or her attitude are starting to trigger me. There are peaks, but they happen less and less, and their intensity has declined considerably since last year.
Now, I'm not saying I'm free of sin. I myself was a very aggressive, difficult person when I was in my 20s and earlier. It was only after I began my work on self-discovery seriously that I truly managed to overcome that and today, I'm generally peaceful and silent, only engaging if/when I want to, never holding on to opinions for any reason and taking things a lot less personally. This allows me to empathize with this aspect of my sister's conduct, not just because of our relationship but also because I see her fear, pain and inability to adapt to her surroundings.
So here's how I work with this kind of vibration:
- I first had to learn to detach from her situation, her inadequacy and anger aren't my responsibility and they can't affect me directly unless they're reflecting me something that I haven't resolved inside. This is key, because the people around us, especially those with whom we have a close connection, offer us the best information about our unconscious drives, urges and impulses. If something about their behavior doesn't sit well with us, that's telling us that we're uncomfortable with an element of our own personality.
- Once I understood the things that were triggering me and worked on resolving them, the next step was to not give her any fuel for conflict, resulting in almost complete silence. I only talk to her if I have to thank her for something or inform her about a practical matter in the house. Otherwise I just let her be, even when she's in her yelling mood. The rest of the time I just close my room's door, put on my headphones or take a walk.
- Finally, I managed to get past the attitudes and words and truly get a sense of the feelings she was experiencing: anxiety, uncertainty, sorrow, disconnection, disappointment. She and her husband have been apart for years since he's living in the United States, trying to build something so they can live together there at some point (that's their plan, at least.) She also misses my brothers dearly, hasn't gotten over the deaths of my parents and many other losses and isn't working or doing anything productive with her time, all of which translates to depression, declining physical and mental health and an intensification of her tendency to impose rules and control things. I can't help her with any of that, she won't even confide in me, but knowing it ensures that I can move aside and not let it weigh me down.
All of this is only possible and necessary because of the love between us. I wouldn't go to such lengths with almost anyone else and probably wouldn't have to, anyway. I can walk away from any relationship that might be more trouble than it's worth, or not develop a connection at all in the first place. That's also one major teaching of this process with her, she's the most difficult person I've ever met and learning how to deal with that while keeping my cool basically prepares me for anyone else that might come, much like living in Venezuela has prepared me for pretty much anything I might encounter in other countries in the future.
If you find yourselves in a similar situation with someone you know, work on your compassion, try to understand the real reasons why they act the way they act and do the things they do, no matter how abusive they might be, because it's not a coincidence that you've met them in this life. Everyone's a teacher, everyone can help us improve, we just have to be open enough to learn.
And of course, if you realize that you're the ones who are difficult, as I did years ago, then be compassionate with yourselves as well, identify what you're dissatisfied about and why you're projecting it on others. Respect begins with us, we can't impose it or demand it, but we can provide it willingly, first to ourselves, then to the world.
Rune of the Day: Hagalaz
That which you refuse to leave behind will go all the same, accept this fact and your heart will have more peace. Tranquility amidst chaos is not only possible but necessary, reaching it implies abandoning any desire for control; the hurricane wind destroys that which fights back and clings but boosts that which rises. Just like the mighty river takes those who surrender far, use the strength of the circumstances for your benefit, read the pulse of the changes and adapt, leave great room in your designs for improvisation, detailed and elaborate plans tend to fail now. Do not submit to the demands of other agencies or respond to external urgencies, only you have the right to set conditions on your space and your time.
I felt this post. It's so raw and so true. It reminded me of this beautiful girl at a job I had years ago. She was possibly the best-looking girl at our plant, and was on the long over hour-long bus ride back into the city.
However her physical beauty was marred by her never-ending potty mouth. Foul language spewed out of her like so much flotsam and jetsam when it wasn't even needed. Talked like a dude. She always chose the coarsest words. Guys that were initially attracted to her, were repelled over time.
One day spewing hate, she mused about why a guy that she liked refused her advances (she was very "forward" shall we say), so she turned and asked me, knowing that I had a reputation for honesty and discretion.
I leaned in and quietly told her it was because she cursed like a sailor and didn't comport herself as a lady. "Anyone thinking of marrying you, wouldn't want that kind of behavior around their children, especially their young daughters.
I don't know if she changed over the long term, but she was decidedly quieter on bus trips after that. It doesn't matter how pretty someone is on the outside if they're rotten on the inside.
I applaud you for being mature enough to balance the knowledge of the faults in your sister, with the love and connection you have as surviving siblings. Sometimes all we have is each other.
I've met people like that, both men and women. Extremely good-looking but impossible to talk with. I hope that girl really did change her attitude and is now happier than she was back then.
Thank you for your comment! I'm glad this resonated with you so strongly. That's right, our connections to the people we love are more important than any individual hardship. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I can let my sister be and also detach from her issues, but it was totally worth it.
Love this powerful personal story and I really resonate with this. Thanks for sharing it with us, amigo :^) ✨♥️🦖
Thanks, my friend! It's been quite a ride, but it's much easier now. By the way, did you notice that comment makes exactly your 13,000? Hahaha.
Haha! No, I hadn't noticed that. Quite impressive. I could have written a book with my comments alone ;^)
I feel your post on so many levels!
The first paragraph said it all.
🙌
Lucky husband, unlucky you!
I console you, however, just know that all that you're going through will not break you. On the contrary, all this will make you develop a bulletproof mind, and there'll come a point when she has absolutely no effect on you. 🙏
Hahahaha, thanks, dear. Actually, as her husband, he has to deal with her in ways I'll never have to, like sending her money and talking with her for hours on the phone about stuff, so I don't consider him lucky xD. Her presence doesn't have the effect on me that it used to and I can pretty much go about my life without considering her opinion o reactions. It's been hell of a training!
I can relate to this.
It's tough going for sure and I have exhausted myself emotionally in the oast, trying to support someone who only really knows how to take.
But yes it's important to remember why, that mostly they are hurting. Empathy is so important xxxxxx
Thanks, my friend! Yes, without empathy, this would be impossible to withstand, but it's ok now. Last year was haaaard.
I understand this fully. More like living with siblings prepares you for the world.😅
Beautifully put write-up
Let's bother on the things we can change(we can not change the other person, it's up to them) I change myself; which is changing how I react to others behaviour and how I reason in the long run (growth).
Thank you loads for a lovely piece💕🤗
Thank you for this comment! Yes, I can adapt to the circumstances I'm in and she's been a great teacher on some of the harshest aspects of human connection. One of the most important lessons with her has been the ability to disengage emotionally from whatever's going on around me. People have access only if we let them in. Blessings to you!
Amen🙏🏽 Thank you 💕
This spoke to me so deeply! I (like everyone else, really) have people like that in my life, and it's actually both insightful and heartening to hear how others deal with it. I like what you said about realizing what about their complaints resonates with unresolved problems in yourself. I think that's something we think about far too less.
For me, I've just started detaching myself. There are some people who make complaining a raison d'etre, and who crave that incessant attention of always having a "problem". Which comes from hurt and trauma. I, too, am trying to be more compassionate about that, though not at the cost of my own sanity or welfare. So I'm getting a little better at setting boundaries with such people. Sort of, I love you, I'll always be here when you need me, but I can't keep having the same conversation again and again.
Gabor Mate said something I liked in a podcast about this. Well, he was talking about addiction and unhealthy behaviors in the people we love, and he said we have 3 options. Either we try to impose our will on them (that they get better, quit drugs, dump a bad guy, whatever). Which obviously doesn't work. Second one, we say this is too painful for me to watch, and move away, essentially stranding our loved ones, in a way. OR the third, and most difficult (but also apparently the most beneficial) understanding that this bad behavior is their way of dealing with their trauma, and that they need to be in this bad position to move on with their journey. It has nothing to do with us. And all we can do is support them when they feel they can make a change. :)
Dr. Mate is a great scholar of human emotions, particularly pain. I respect him a lot. The narrowest path is the holiest, the harshest conditions make us the strongest. I'm blessed and even privileged in many, many ways, which has allowed me to get this far not without considerable effort but with much less resistance than I would've had, say, if I didn't have the support of my family or lived in a slum as I used to when I was growing up.
Now I see the situation with my sister as a source of great discipline and, to me, discipline is a synonym for freedom, so I'm freer because of it, and I have my sister to thank for that even though she doesn't know it. Thank you for your comment!
Thank you so much for your comment! Yeah, she could do a number of things to improve her situation. I actually told her about the therapy, not in the best of terms because I was fed up at the time, but at least I got the message through and pulled it out of my chest.
Eventually we'll be alright again and she'll find some joy. In the meantime, I don't engage much with her situation and keep to my lane.