He heard the siren and his eyes brightened up as the police car approached him and pulled up right beside his car. Maybe they would help him get rid of this unbearable situation. He rubbed his sleepy eyes with the back of his palm and waited eagerly for the officer that opened the door of his car and walked towards him.
A few minutes later, that traffic police officer was standing at the right side of his car, knocking on the window with his left knuckle. The police officer was making a rude gesture to go him to the police car.
He got off his car and approached the police car, avoiding the headlights by keeping his palm on his eyes. The officer sitting in the front seat asked him, "Go! Go away! We don't want travelers sleeping in the parking lane."
"But it's too windy and snowing, how will I go?"
"No stay... go!" The police officer shouted loudly. His voice was harsh and he knew limited English words.
"Okay, okay, I will leave in five minutes!" The traffic police vehicle left, giving him five minutes' notice.
The night was stormy. First, it rained, then snowfall, and now a very thick fog. It might not have been such a problem if the fog was not so dense. He was driving the car and cursing his faulty heating system and bad luck.
When he left Genoa, Italy for Geneva Switzerland at 12 this morning he thought he should reach Geneva by four o'clock in the evening, but this was 11 PM and still 160 km from his destination.
That unseasonal snowfall and storm had put him in trouble. His friends had said that the road was very beautiful. It was beautiful, but the unseasonal storm had ruined everything. But what should one do with the storm? If there were no fog lights, then it would be impossible to drive. During the day itself, there was thick darkness which made driving so difficult.
He felt that it might not be possible to reach Geneva in such a storm, so while driving, he was constantly looking for a motel. He had to search for a petrol pump too.
Finally, he found a motel. He stopped the car. There was light in the gas pump, but there was no attendant. He blew the horn several times, and then, after a long time, a man came out.
He gave the key and said, "Twenty liters!"
"Gas, anything else?"
"Yes! Can I get a room in the motel here for the night?"
'Yes, what else?
'No, nothing else. The way the attendant was talking, he knew what he meant.
"Then we don't need you!"
He felt humiliated by this answer, but what could he do?
"How far is the next motel?"
"About seventy kilometers from here, but they will ask the same question. But why do you want to run away from other things in this cold windy evening?" He hated the smile and the dirty wink on the attendant's face.
He remained quiet. He paid, started the car, and drove off. His feet, face, and hands were feeling too cold. The storm was continuing unabated. There was no sign of where to stay. He was too cold and Geneva was still one hundred and fifty kilometers away. And then, even after reaching Geneva, he had to find the place where he was to stay.
Hello @rayt2,
The gift of this story is that you subtly convey a serious message. It takes a while for us to catch on. Isn't this the way with prejudice? Only the most crude and ignorant people come right out and admit they are prejudiced. Most act on their bias and the target cannot even make a charge, because the prejudice has not been openly addressed.
I like your opening line a lot. Why? Let's look at it. For one thing, it sets the scene:
We now know he is in his car and the police are coming. Not just coming, but coming with sirens blasting.
You create suspense and expectation. There is an impending interaction, and we want to know how that will work out. There is a certain menace, the menace we all feel when the police approach with sirens blaring.
If you want to make that first sentence perfect, more powerful, you can consider advice from Stephen King who believed in expressive verbs. If we look at you sentence, you have two verbs that work well. You might think about replacing at least one of them with a more precise verb. I think 'looked' is a great candidate for that. Don't add an adverb, just think of another way of saying 'look'. There are lists of synonyms available the Internet to help you find one.
After I wrote my story I reread it and saw that I had said the kids ran down the stairs and then in the next sentence I said they ran through the open door. I recognized that this was a week way of expressing the action, so I replaced ran downstairs with 'rushed' downstairs.
Your first sentence is great, but since you are ambitious about developing your skills, I offer here a bit of direction that got from Stephen King :)
Hope you don't mind the extended reply. I used to be a teacher. Old habits die hard.
(Left a small tip instead of a vote...I'm recharging my VP for the day)
I'm sorry the explanation was confusing (my teaching must be rusty 😇). However, you did a great job with verb 'brightened'. Look what it does. It makes the scene vivid. It expresses his hope in a rescue. All the more disappointing when the police turn him away.
As for the rest of your story, I didn't tell you how well you did. We feel the cold, the hopelessness as this traveler seeks shelter for the night. We are upset because he has no place to stay, but also because he is left on his own, without any hope of help coming along.
A really good job (and thanks for those nice words about teachers).
That is a great idea. We have a library of good advice there.
You place us expertly in the position of the traveler. It is a symbolic and actual journey. It's almost like the classic story with 'no room at the inn'. This is a wonderful metaphor for the unwanted, for the disdained. You go into great detail so there is no mistaking what is going on, not at least by the end of the story.
A very, very effective piece of writing, @rayt2. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are consistently a positive member of the Ink Well community.
This story is impactful and poignant, @rayt2. We feel the traveler's loneliness, his desire to get somewhere warm, and to not be stranded, or left out in the cold. Great job, giving us a view into the experience of an unwelcome traveler. No one should ever have to feel that way!
I loved reading and embarking on this journey with this reading.
This was an interesting read. It is really unfair to be treated that way tourist or not.
Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!
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