Wow. Thanks for your reply. I’ll have to read it a few more times.
Recently I have focused mainly on my ability to enjoy what I am doing without expectation. I spent too many years trying to change the world only to realize that changing myself would be the only way to have the effect that I want to have, any unnecessary pushing always leads to unwanted side effects and often is completely counterproductive from the start.
Last time it took me to meditation and travel, trying to live worhout money and trying to live with no regard for the future in order to learn th lessons available there. Later I came back to the edges of society and this time my exploration is taking me back towards the center of the machine, “back into the matrix” you could say. It’s taken me away from art and serious projects and back to studying language and playing video games and enjoying silly things but as I learn to enjoy things for their own right I think at some point I’ll be called to create things that speak to others again, probably sooner rather than later.
As of yesterday I have discovered a contradiction in my thoughts. I judge myself for my desire to be liked and for wanting to have an influence on things. It’s been ground into my head by all the cool artists that I’m not supposed to care what others thing but I think it’s really about not letting that desire dictate that work, not eradicating that desire (although perhaps a Buddhist will disagree). My goal has never been to eliminate my desires, only to be able to detach from them at will.
Anyway thank you again for the comment!
Glad you read it and got something from it.
Non expectational doing has been part of my journey also and has led me on a similar path to the fringes and back to the centre again and I may do this a few more times in varying degrees throughout my life. One important thing I would add to that is that just because there is no expectation does not mean I then also discard discipline - as the way to condition the mind and body for any skill or knowledge is through hard work, repetition and practice. Then when suppression is created in the emotional bodies by forcing the self to do things and expecting too much - the suppression must be recognized and then consciously released in a safe way. For me release often looks like finding something to do that requires minimal effort to focus and is perceived as something light and fun.
Building the propensity for self-expectation without disturbing this 'doing, not doing' Tao principle is an artform. We stretch ourselves so we can still achieve a lot but without all that baggage of suppression caused from the pile of bricks called expectation which is totally unnecessary - then when we have built this foundation based on 'doing, not doing' - we can condition ourselves to do anything because we know the mechanics behind learning and are not creating any negatively charged emotions that needs tending to along the way - we're free.
In regards to a desire to be liked and or influenced and your deterrence for action because of your realisation of this desire as not being inline with your true self as you have come to know it - I think slowing down with it and allowing yourself to reassess a true starting point for your work that encompasses more of your being is the right thing. I think we can push forwards to become too developed too quickly but on a foundation of a contradiction in our true natures. This all comes up later in life and then demands to be faced then before anymore progress can be made - sometimes sabotaging the entire operation.
You seem to want to do things authentically altruistically which is valorous and often others want to do the same - we then discover that in analyzing our own behaviours and motivations we could do a lot better and in order to remain true to intention we have to reassess regularly. Raising the bar as we discover how to do things better and we discover more things about ourselves.
I think regardless it is ok to feel these things - a desire to be liked for example - rather than expecting yourself to get rid of that feeling or accept it - like you say, simply detaching from it while letting it be what it is. There is a certain level of 'being liked' that is just simply the ordinary normal workings of energy reciprocation within a healthy community - this must also be acknowledged.
Something I am sure, you've already thought of. In true observation we see clearly what we need to do but we first need to take ourselves to the point of observation in order to actually see - in detaching we allow it and follow it like a string which leads to a larger ball.
Personally much of my desires were deep seated in insecurities caused in my youth for various reasons and in order to stay true to motivations of altruism I had to work through these points and detach from them - because there were still too many places for people to put their problems - on the shelves of my insecurities you could say. We're all in our individual processes and have our own bits and pieces to work out before we become entirely effective. With effectivity as our aim we are almost certainly bound for success.
I've also more recently started putting my mind past success - instead of dreaming about success in my endeavours - dreaming past them - who will I be, what will I do, who do I want to be if I have achieved this or that. It's helping me see what I really want to do now - to a large degree I don't wish to achieve massive dreams - I want to be content in a community. However, I feel that an amount of hard work is required in order to create that community and a safe space for it as the settings for it in the present day do not exist for it. So my aims become adaptable to this mega aim of creating a community in which I can be content. This of course may mean transforming the entirety of society so it no longer threatens anyone's individual rights - no small thing haha - but if that's what's got to be done, well, we just do it.
You've got me at morning coffee, it's 5am here in Perth, Western Australia! Wishing you well, Monty