It's hard to keep quiet when your job revolves around engaging others, but I have been preoccupied with the power of my words here lately.
I have been so concerned with my influence in others and even myself, that it's been a month since I last said anything on this platform and pretty much all other social media sites.
Part of the reason I have been away is the fact that I have been studying intensely, reflecting on a number of events that apart would be insignificant but together are a mathematical anomaly.
Now I understand why some people keep secrets thinking they're doing a good thing. Lately I too have thought a lot about the burden of secrets and how perhaps some people have done well to keep them.
Had I learned all I know today at the age of 5 and my brain would have probably been toasted... not all knowledge can be acquired in one sitting. And if all knowledge could be had, would I even want it?
At one point in my life I decided to think that people had some good in them, all of them. Some hear my approach and detest it, they think it leaves me exposed to danger and it sure does. I'm not ignorant to fear in myself and others, I am aware there are very troubled people in the world who are out to harm others consciously. The thing is, how can I help them if I focus on that?
Until I see evidence of the contrary, all can be restored and maybe even forgiven. Like I said in my last post, 100% might not be possible but we might reach 99% if we shoot for the hundred.
As I am watching the new Resident Evil show on Netflix, because I do take time to watch silly things from time to time, a song came on which immediately drew me in. It goes "Can't take it back once it's been set in motion" and that stops me on my tracks.
The feeling that you've contributed to something that you can't stop even if you wanted to, impotence...I want to know what comes next in the song, of course.
It continues "You know I love to rub it in like lotion" and I'm hooked. You see, I have a thing for desire, as I have very few of my own desires but they burn hot... I have learned a lot about myself by examining the wants of others and have found much peace in doing so. This action though, to rub it in like lotion, and the performer doesn't like to rub it in, she loves it? I listen attentively for I know the next bit will decide whether I'm interested in this display.
"If you only pray on Sunday, Could you come my way on Monday? 'Cause I like to do things God doesn't approve of if she saw us"
All I could think to myself was why anyone would ever want to do that, why would anyone want to upset the one who is supposed to be your parent? But then my parents adored me at one point, I was a favorite child for a while, a first-born, and even if my creators can disown me there's one thing they can never do and that is forget me. As long as my parents live they will remember me if their physical health allows, but does every child feel the same?
To fully understand that there might be people out there who feel completely unseen, to the point where they'd try to get a divinity's attention, is very disturbing to me. Even if god is not real or not how we imagine it in nature, there are people who believe, and belief is the strongest force I know when accompanied by desire.
Sometimes no one is at fault... a first-born could also feel unseen and start acting out because the youngest child is getting the most attention. It's not the baby's fault, it's not the mom/dad's fault, it's not even entirely the fault of the one who is feeling neglected.
All good parents want to protect, but all good parents are also constantly learning how not to overprotect. No parent wants the pain of losing a child. Have compassion for your parents, who suffer not just when you suffer but also by the inevitability of the discomfort involved in their kids' learning experiences.