This was deep Taraz, I put myself in your shoes as much as I could while reading it and can only imagine how hard it must be for you feeling like this, but you are doing everything you can to make sure that she is going to have what she needs to grow up fit and strong in both body, spirit and mind and that counts!
All we ever really have are moments of happiness to hang onto and the fact that you have them with her daily, that is so important...hold onto them Taraz.
I think the challenge that I feel in this is that I had more ability to have these moments more often. They can't be engineered - going through the motions is not enough. They seem too far apart now and I wonder how much effect it will have on her.
I understand that, it must be hard because it sounds like you really want it to be different but you need to keep it real.