The subject is criticism. Some people loathe criticism, especially if it’s being directed at them. Criticism can be a really hard thing for some people to swallow, and any angry reaction, in my opinion, is likely to be due to either the criticized person’s insecurity and/or inflated ego, or the negative criticism is the product of malicious intent by the so-called “critic.”
Since I’m writing this piece as my attempt to explain criticism - what it can do, and why we react to it in the ways that we do - I’ll just say up front that this post is not going to be based on research from studies that have been conducted on the subject. It’s mostly just going to be based on my opinion and observations of human nature I’ve picked up along the way.
I’m also willfully opening myself up to your criticisms on my views on this subject; any that you may have. There are no rules, so any actual criticism that’s positive, negative and anywhere in between is eligible for my consideration and consumption. If I’m questioned, I’ll comment. To begin, I’ll explain how I view criticism.
In my mind, criticism from others is a useful tool at my disposal. My mindset, (once I reached the point where I recognized that I have a mindset on this subject), is that, excluding the intentionally mean stuff which usually isn’t really criticism anyway, all criticism has value for use in the task of educating oneself. One of the ways recognition of value comes about is when we accept that the thought behind a criticism should be explored, rather than seeing it as an insult and then hastily disregarding it.
It’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve all seen situations when those who detest any criticism aimed at them, will sometimes insert their unrequested views into a discussion. They base their intrusion on their belief that they are aiding another person, possibly even a stranger, being unfairly criticized, (because all criticism is bad to them), when that’s not what’s going on at all.
It could be argued that criticism is a powerful factor in education itself. In school, when we took an exam, and then got our grade back, the grade could be seen as a criticism of how well we prepared for the test. And the criticism the grade provides, usually didn’t come as a surprise to us, for we probably had a pretty good idea of the outcome before we answered the first multiple choice question.
Think of the positive impact criticism has in sports. Great athletes become great at what they do because from the point in time when they begin their journey as kids, they are criticized. Often, that criticism is rude, brash and even insulting. However, its aim is to build character in the athlete, and to strengthen the attitude that nothing will get in the way of their success. It works. It’s obvious.
On one of the discord channels that I just recently joined, I offered what I fully intended to be a positive, supportive criticism of an open discussion going on there, on whether divisive subjects should continue to be discussed in general chat, or be moved to another channel, so those who wish to discuss them can, and those who don’t want to discuss those divisive subjects in general chat, won’t be forced to see those discussions there.
I felt that I should add my view because someone’s viewpoint was based on their desire that the discussions should stay on general chat because the server allows the presence of groups which may embrace arguments discussions of these divisive subjects to be represented as a group on the server. But this is actually an issue that’s found on just about every discussion site/forum out there on the internet.
Question: Why do those who desire discussing these divisive subjects, push for them to be discussed on the main channel everyone uses for chat, on every site or forum they are found?
Answer: In order to influence people to accept the ideas they are advocating. If the discussion is limited to a separate channel, then only those interested in the issues will show up there. That’s not exactly productive if your goal is to specifically increase division among the masses.
This suggests an agenda of some sort is also in play in the promotion of such discussions, beginning with the recruitment of new bodies. Again, this is my own personal perception that I observed on numerous chat forums; always covering these same subjects. Likewise, as I stated earlier, this is my personal opinion. I am not suggesting that my views are superior. I’m just stating them.
I was later pleased to find that, in this case, my comment was given credence as a worthy criticism and as a viable solution by the same person who had earlier advocated for not moving the discussion from the main chat channel. So, at second glance, this particular situation may be resolved in the best possible way.
This illustrates how criticism can be used to mislead people, especially those people who are offended at every criticism aimed at them, and in turn, they can be driven to defend every person or “cause” that they observe facing criticism. They are easy prey, in other words. If there’s any bright spot in this situation, it may actually be that these folks will have to learn to accept criticism from those inside their new group.
To sum up what I’ve tried to suggest here, with my thoughts and observations on criticism, is that criticism is very helpful to those who will see its value in aiding their development in whatever task or skill they are pursuing. It’s always more fruitful to hear about where you’re messing up, and learn something, than to constantly be reminded you are perfection in motion.
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Well, I can say that I know exactly what you mean in this type of situation and I am glad you spoke up. As a general rule, I accept constructive criticism as a gesture to give me something to chew on, an opinion differing from their own and meant to perhaps show me a possible different way.
I am open to that.
Downright mean remarks... not so much. So, yes! I agree with you!
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I played football in HS and had Army basic training. In both cases, I (along with every other guy there), were hit with criticisms that were embarrassing, painful and infuriating, but they helped all of us to work harder and get better at doing what we were there to do, as a team.
I'm sure my experience with harsh criticism and the benefit I got from it, has a lot to do with why I am so positive about criticism in general. In these types of situations harshness was, and is, beneficial.
I'd say that when someone blasts another person, with no other goal in mind than just to be mean to that person, it isn't criticism we're seeing. It's just someone being mean.
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@free-reign i am always up for criticism i use it to my advantage! I cam handle ot bit if its downgrading my hair is freaking out and my brain too. I have had it on this platform aswell, its the only socials i do so maybe its normal i do t know , but the time off Some people is just wrong. I love to learn but dont treat me as your dog! And i always try to do the same to others as the way i like to be treated or spoken to.
But the fact that flat text and sreens instead of persona contact ate almost normal gets these reactions.
Great blog. Could also be a #TDP
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Thank you @brittandjosie! I'm not much into the socials either. It gets very negative there, fairly often. It looks like there lots of good stuff at #TDP though! :)
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You are right. The issue sometimes is the blurring line between constructive and destructive criticism. Of course, those who usually use agressive language when making observations will say "you may see it as destructive, I'm just saying".
*It is not what you say, but how you say it," people say over here.
I agree it is more constructive to see where we are doing wrong or poorly than to be overindulged in the goodies and never develop further.
Yes, we can tell pretty much by the "tone" when someone's criticism is intentionally destructive, and I think we can get a good idea of their intentions also.
I think you bring up a good point H,
It is not what you say, but how you say it
When communication has been based so much in nonverbal cues and the automatic processes and adaptations that we make in response to those cues, it is too easy to misconstrue the context of written text. Even verbal cues via phone require a degree of interpretation and can misrepresent or be interpreted out of context.
Communication methods have changed so much, human behaviour / survival strategies / personality vulnerabilities are less pliable, in fact (and these are just my opinions open to critique) I think personality structure is pretty set. We can work around our tendencies and learn to navigate the world with different "skills".
I used the word survival here, which may be seen as a bit extreme. But I think when people respond in a defensive way it is a fear response. It may seem extreme to someone else, but without knowledge of context, personal history, circumstance, we can't truly know what may trigger someone. This is particularly true in online forums. We really have very little information at hand with reference to the other person. Sadly, the "safety " of distance via a device too often seems to grant people permission to be overly critical and impulsive with their opinions, rather than thoughtful or selective with their words. Our fast paced world does not allow for reflection. Sometimes people are just plain rude and cruel, but more often I think it is more about time and a desire for efficiency of communication that ironically results in inefficiency and sometimes unintentional hurt.
That is why I like steemit and discord. It (on the most part), retains people who value quality interactions and collaboration. This collection of reflective people maturely moderate themselves and others and take the time to clarify and discuss difference.
Always tread carefully, you never know who you are talking to. Your conversation may be the only interaction that person has today. Your words may have the power to make or break that day.
Well, that's my 3 cents worth. @hlezama @free-reign, I wish you a beautiful day, I hope life has been tolerable (without reference I don't know if my words are condescending, comforting, or insensitive), but I offer them with the best of intentions equivalent to a truck load of oranges and hope.
:)
You have the gift of words, M.
I love oranges
I like this
It's a tricky business going global and being in multiple platforms and leaving words and ideas in the blockchain which cannot be erased/edited (allegedly). It makes one be (or at lest appear to) a better person, just in case, and yet...
Always a plesure reading from you. Hope life is treating you better. It sucks over here, but we keep fighting.
I think what you've written is very true, @girlbeforemirror, and also what @hlezama brought up in his reply to you - that we're in situations where we are conversing here with others on a global level, which adds to our responsibility to be clear, yet considerate. There's more to take into perspective, and especially the importance of our being aware of what we are saying in our written words and how we are saying them. Our words may be seen differently than we intended.
It's not easy to take everything into consideration, and it's even harder if we are habitually more reactionary with the things we say, rather than first trying to understand the context and how our words could be taken by others.
Constructive criticism is always helpful as we don’t always see things that other point out. I don’t like to be criticized in a mean hurtful way and some people get a kick out of giving these back-handed remarks.
I think that sometimes there's a thin line based on a critic's approach, that can make us feel as though we're hearing destructive criticism, when it could really help us in a positive way. But yeah, backhanded remarks aren't ever going to be helpful.
Excellent post @free-reign, my sister says she doesn't criticize anyone, she's just making observations! 🤔 I just tell her to keep them to herself. 😁
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Thanks @wonderwop! If your sister makes observations about you, she's probably doing it because she loves you and wants you to have the best of everything. :)
I agree - criticism tends to get a bad rap these days, when it can be a useful tool. Kind of like needing to build up callouses on your fingers before you can play guitar - it's not a fun process, but it leads (in most cases) to something positive.
Also...
Thanks @traciyork, and once we get the callouses built up, we don't really want to have to do that again. :)
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Not all remarks are mean, some are an experiment in social interaction that didn't happen when young. Some criticism is but the problem of the one criticising and have nothing to do with the one being criticised. Not everything is perceived as it is but quite often as we feel. And not every truth is true that we've been taught....Just a few observations...
Absolutely! There's confusion at times when the critic doesn't fully understand what's going on, and if they still criticize regardless, it's not likely going to be helpful to anyone. Also, if the critic has bias of any kind, their "criticism" will likely not be found to be acceptable to anyone other than those with the same bias.
Well, I guess that is the show :) Not much I can critique on this... Now does saying it is good mean I am critiquing or just saying it is good? Maybe I should be more specific and say that I think you used a very relevant example to make your point.
I do like the part about "our new moral beliefs" it is a trap we all fall in and can be damn hard to accept anything counter to it.
!tip 0.2 hide
Thanks! Especially when we're young and looking at the future, we tend to latch on to new ideas and philosophies as we try to make sense of why things are the way they are. Each time we think we've discovered the secret that's been eluding everyone else on the planet for eons, we go full steam ahead. If we're lucky, we then find the way out of it when we accept reality. And thanks for the tip! :)
So true @free-reign.
I think I'm still learning how to take things less personally.
Totally agree! May we always exercise our independent judgement.
Absolutely! If we're paying attention at all, through experience things become clear to us. Thinking for ourselves doesn't seem to be encouraged today, as much it has been in the past.
Constructive criticism is always welcome my friend as it helps to build me up, but negative criticism if it is mean, I simply ignore, unless it is justified, then I also find it helpful.
People like others to dance to their tunes, and if you don't then they criticize you to make themselves feel important.
Note that I am in full agreement with your post here and you have tackled a thorny issue.
I hope you don't receive too much criticism in the comments here Lol
Blessings!
So far the comments have been great! Knock on wood. :) Criticisms uttered by those wanting others to dance to their tunes, are usually also used in pressure tactics to get those targeted to agree with them and seal the deal. In a way, intimidating them to make them feel they'd be doing a great wrong if they turn and walk away.
Blessings to you as well!
I am in favor of positive feedback - the one you describe you received in sports training and army might be motivating for some but is not useful in my opinion. I think it impacts people positively who were given that kind of feedback throughout their lives (most have had that kind of harsh upbringing which might even have included physical violence (spanking) as a form of "criticism" of their behavior)
Personally, I don't think this serves us well as mankind overall.
Guidance and positive correction are much more to my liking.
I acknowledge and understand the points you raise. I got spanked as a kid at home and in school. I got at least one teacher-delivered spanking in each grade, 1st through the 6th. While I'm personally not an advocate for that sort of punishment, (I never spanked my daughter), I don't feel that I was ever really harmed physically or psychologically from it. I also have a sister, two years older than me, and I don't recall her ever getting spanked. That hurt me more than the spankings did. :)
I've never felt that the tough criticism I received from the coaches and from the drill sergeants in my life, has done anything other than improve on the product, which is me. I'm sure I wouldn't have played football as well without it, and I'm sure I would have been useless as a soldier, and less of a man, if the Army hadn't trained me to be one, they way they did.
IMO, there's nothing wrong with using guidance and positive correction as a method to train someone, and I would advise it also for one on one training. However, when lots of people need to all be trained together to work together as a team with a specific mission and in a short amount of time, I don't believe it would be efficient or effective.
I am sure that different people do react differently as well. While you feel that the coaching you received was helpful, for others, it might be devastating. And, we are talking also about 2 activities that have a certain amount of violence build in.
funny that your sister not getting spanked hurt more LOL But here, we could go into a whole discussion of sexism or the different conditioning of genders from early on.
Such a big topic.
And thank you for your long reply. Much appreciated.
My pleasure :)
The reason I felt hurt that my sister didn't get spanked, was because she and her best friend would constantly goad me into reacting at their doing things to me. Then when I'd chase them, they would lead me to where my mother could see me chasing after them, and they'd lie and tell her I was trying to hit them or that I had hit them, and then when my dad came home I'd get the spanking, while I'd see her sitting there, smirking.
She never really changed much as an adult either, unfortunately. I've never had the feeling that, being her younger brother, she's cared much about me, as her behavior toward me continued to be pretty bad. It's only now, when we are both much older that she's putting the feelers out occasionally, which I guess are attempts to gauge my feelings about her.
I've told her several times that I hold nothing against her, but there remains in the air an uncertain feeling between us, and I think it has to do with her recognizing her own guilt from the past.
Well said on this front. I was never good at taking criticism until I saw how someone who I respected didn't take criticism too well (like I used to) and I thought, "Dude, I'm just trying to help".
That's when I had a turning moment and put my emotional response aside to listen to what that critic is saying and if I can do something about it.
It comes with experience but like anything, you can change your mindset and approach to it, pick and choose how you respond and then change what you can for the next time.
Changing from an emotional reaction to a logical listening approach is my recommendation. But it won't come over night 🙂
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Very well-stated! I think that learning to find the value in difficult to understand concepts, such as having someone tell us we've messed up, and then offer a better way to proceed, is an action that's unacceptable and out of the question to many people, and many will retain that view throughout their lives.
I believe that unless we are born with an innate appreciation of something, it takes a special circumstance or experience to help us break out of the mold and see value. Like with you, when that situation helped you recognize there was value in listening, and like me, with my football and Army training, which I recognize was so valuable to my development as a person overall.
Exactly man! In our experience, we've gone out of our comfort zone to learn these important lessons because that's what it takes to evolve ourselves.
Travelling is another great way to find things out, see different perspectives but having an open mind is the best solution. You have to have one otherwise you'll be stuck where you are in the same thought processes that brought you down.
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Criticism can be helpful when it's presented in the right way with the right intentions. The word generally has a bad connotation because you think of it as being negative. Critique has a better connotation I think, it leans more toward being helpful. Insightful post!
Thank you, and I agree. I think that critique has a much better sound too! I use it quite a bit myself. :)
Most people have no clue what criticism is supposed to do. They see it as negative because it produces some sort of pain, but they don't realize that pain is evidence of their continued growth--which is what it would be if they accepted it for what it is. But because they reject criticism as anything valuable, they don't grow. They stay mired in the mediocrity that produced the criticism in the first place.
However, I've noticed that such people tend to be quite critical of others.
People often confuse criticism with critical thought. The two are very different. And until one knows the difference, one can offer constructive criticism.
Agreed. "Growing pains" stay with us much longer than we'd think; that is, if we are still growing. Some just stop growing too soon, thinking they've already got all the wisdom and knowledge they'll need. :)
Being a critic is a talent if done correctly with the right objective in mind and clear genuine intentions.
I find that sometimes it helps by declaring ones intention first before making the criticism.
That way the person who's receiving it understands the intention is good.
Great point! I think you're right, that a critic with no personality is probably not going to help very many others, even though they will "try." Of course there are stories and even movies where this type of situation is handled by having a main character who recognizes the true value in the person that everyone else ignores because of their sour disposition.
You are certainly more open to criticism than some
Thank you @lionsmane - I would expect that with your own experience with baseball coaches, you are one who is accepting of criticism as well!
lol, to an extent. Made a late DITO post that touches on that
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Some people accept criticism more readily than others. I love when it’s constructive and useful.
I am always surprised and a little taken aback when someone does not accept my feedback well. It happened recently and although my comments on this person’s work were invited, kindly given and thoughtful, it turned ugly!
I agree. Especially when someone asks for our opinion, and then when we give it, they're offended. Although, when something like that does happen, it gives us an excellent excuse to not fall into the same trap with them again! :)
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Yes agreed.
A lot of the issues usually stem not from the criticism per se but from the delivery, You can say something, or you can say something snarky. It is all in the delivery.