‘Cause it’s damn hard asking for something you don’t know yourself. If you were going to pawn a vase or something, you’d scout the market ahead, wouldn’t you? That’d be the smart thing to do, learn what it’s worth. That way, if you go in asking for $200, you’ll at least know if you’ve got a leg to stand on or are completely off.
Sadly, it doesn’t seem to me like most women follow that same logic when it comes to relationships.
You see a lot of women hanging around in aimless (or worse, downright harmful) relationships, just sort of hoping some day their partner will magically change. That he’ll catch on he’s treating them like sh!t all overnight, and poof, that will be that. Women who’ll gladly complain to their friends, but never to their boyfriend,
Oh why can’t he treat me better?
Well... have you tried asking?
And obviously, it’s easier said than done. I used to be someone with quite low self-respect, if I do say so myself. I too used to think if I ask for things or make my needs or dislikes known, I’ll be abandoned. When I say things, I mean respect and boundaries and stuff. I don’t mean money. I’m still a far way away from asking for that, though in this economy, might not be a bad idea.
Anyway, it was a lot of work. It was a lot of relearning and rewiring my brain to start seeing my initial appraisal of self was off. But once that was done, once I started seeing that maybe the simplest way to get the relationship you want is to ask, man, was it a revelation.
There was this lovely scene on the show I was watching tonight. So basically the main character’s waiting around at a bar for her ex, who’s a dickhead, and the bartender pries a bit and so on. When she learns why the girl’s there, the bartender tells her to fuck right off, to which the MC says oh I can’t just leave, it’s not that simple.
It’s literally that simple.
We humans have a tendency of over-complicating things. Overthinking. Making ourselves out like we’re something so unique and special. Of course, if we heard the exact same details from a friend, we’d tell her to dump his ass and respect herself. But with us, it’s just not that easy... or is it?
Frankly, I was stunned what a difference it made in my personal life once I worked out my value system, learned to listen to my gut and just adopted some basic self-respect tenets. Not in the sense that you do this, you’ll meet the love of your life tomorrow while you’re out getting the mail or anything. More like in the sense that it frees up so much time.
Because when you’re not feeling like you’re all that great, you’ll give anyone a chance. As long as someone likes you, right? So you play games and overlook “red flags” and give second (and third and fourth) chances. When maybe you really shouldn’t.
Not only that, but self-respect breeds self-respect. A no-brainer, I know. But essentially, when you’re allowing others to treat you like you’re not worth much, well, you sort of go away with a bad feeling, ‘cause you know you did wrong, and ‘cause it reinforced your low self-worth.
In a recent situation, I found myself thinking the other person was being quite rude. Now, you know me, I’m not one to jump to the conclusion that all men are dicks or something. I also make sure to question myself first. ‘Cause there is a tendency in most of us to think that better relationships mean asking for more from the other, but not asking what more we can give. So I made sure I wasn’t being outlandish or exaggerating and so on. Still, it was someone I’d liked a while back and had arguments for why it might be a good idea to keep seeing them. Slowly, the little old voice was gaining terrain.
And then, one day, I thought,
Would I feel proud or comfortable telling my closest friend this is who I’m seeing now? With that behavior?
The answer was a clear nope, and that pretty much sealed the deal for me. While life may throw the occasional curveball that will do your head in and throw your precious rules out the window, I certainly won’t expressly put myself in shitty situations I can’t be proud of. Not when I have an alternative.
See, it’s very easy to fall into faulty thinking. Oh, I can’t be rude, oh I’ve already said so-and-so. Oh what if they won’t like me. When maybe what you should be asking, is this all I deserve? Really, communication is not that hard. Nor should it be. You shouldn’t be afraid of seeming rude or forward if you’re just asking for basic human decency and mutual respect. And as long as both partners are fairly healthy and mature, they’d probably be open to a conversation that improves the relationship in some way.
I mean, obviously that’s not a given. And in today’s dating world, it’s fair to see how one would be reluctant to actually try and talk to another human being. But at the end of the day, being upfront and clear about what you need and where you’re at saves everyone a truckload of time. Saves you your dignity, first and foremost.
Except that’s the thing. In order for you to have that clear communication, you need a clear idea yourself of what you need. What matters to you in a relationship, what doesn’t work for you. Otherwise, you’ll just go spouting “rules” you heard on Sex and the City or something. Quoting the latest Cosmo. Except what do those people know about how you work?
Just some thoughts that have been percolating around for a while :)
I think it is our faulty thinking and sometimes the faulty standards of the society that make it difficult for us to get out of a silly relationship. At times, the person (it can be both man or woman) in an assumption of being compassionate or nice or kind or whatever keeps on sticking to the relationship, not knowing that they are merely disrespectful to themselves.
Exactly! Very good distinction there, between compassion and disrespect. Because when we tell ourselves we're being kind, it all sounds lovely, no? If we started telling ourselves we were being disrespectful to ourselves, the story would change very quickly.
Yeah! It is the matter of perspectives
It makes perfect sense; if you don't respect yourself and learn to acknowledge what you need from a relationship, how can you expect anyone to respect you and/or know either? That doesn't mean, like you said, that you will meet your prince, but you just never know!
Thanks for sharing and have a lovely day!
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Men, your post is filled with so much wisdom.
It should be common sense to ask for what you need, but for some reason, we usually think the world is going to end if we ask for it. Heaven knows I'm mighty guilty of talking myself out of asking for my needs.
But like you said, if you're dealing with a mature person that wants what's best for the relationship in question, then all improvements should be welcome.
This is some really good advice that I didn't realize I needed until after reading. Thanks for this.
Do keep sharing your thoughts with us!
Very simple indeed, and then the hardest part of the work is to really get how simple it is. Ironic but also amazing once we get it:)
One thing I heard about recently went something like if you accept someones negative behaviour, even if (big if) they change for the better, they would move on to someone "better" because then they basically outgrew the level of self-respect that was given in the relationship. (not sure my explanation makes sense)
Your writing resonates a lot, a super interesting topic I find!
That is so true. Sometimes a "difficult" partner is searching precisely for those boundaries that we as the "compassionate" one are unwilling to set.
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