As I was saying the other day, I am probably the person that is good to have around when times are bad, but not the go to when times are good. I think that a lot of people believe that because I talk about serious topics, I take life too seriously, and maybe bring their mood down. Yet, I also question what is the difference between me and some of my friends, as many of them tend to end up struggling, taking time off from work, and then they ask me for advice.
As if I don't have problems of my own.
Why don't I break?
Maybe I do. But, maybe I don't feel I have the luxury to take time off. At least in my head, no matter how shitty life might be for me, I still have obligations to take care of. Like when I had the stroke in 2021, I was a couple months short of being able to take another couple months off, which I probably needed, but I went back to work after about 8 weeks.
There were bills to pay.
And of course, I am far from the only one whop has had to do similar or in far worse conditions, but it is interesting to consider if stress leave is for those with privilege. For instance, tomorrow night I will spend some time with a couple friends, as one of them is on leave now, and it would be good for him to talk with some friends out of the house for a bit. However, while I understand it, I also kind of don't, in the sense that in other circumstances, he would be working.
What I mean is that necessity is not only the mother of invention, it is also a driver that keeps us going through the tough times. And humans are able to put up with a massive amount if it means survival. Yet, nowadays, perhaps there isn't the same kinds of survival needs, so we end up breaking under the stress of working in an office, having too many forms to fill, or too many customers to attend to. Can you imagine what it would be like if the average professional worker was put in the conditions of a 1940s concentration camp?
An extreme example.
But it is a testament to not only what kinds of physical conditions we can endure, but also what kind of cruelty also. Just imagine those college kids complaining about what teachers or guest speakers say at university, put in a situation of real oppression.
Have we become soft?
Very likely.
I am glad that we have systems in place in Finland for people to take the time they need to improve their mental health. But at the same time, I wonder if it is also adding to the problem, continually lowering the bar to fall into burnout, rather than increasing the ability to cope under stress, to build strategies to manage the world we face, and a resilience mindset to not survive, thrive and still be able to help others when they need.
We keep looking for ways to avoid stress, rather than ways to manage it.
Perhaps one day I will break beyond the level of being able to manage, regardless of the obligations I need to meet. Maybe I will fall apart and be unable to put the pieces together again. I don't know, but I think that part of the reason that so many people struggle with their mental health and burnout, isn't the workload, but the lack of purpose in their lives. As far as I have observed, the people who know their purpose and are striving toward it, never burn out, no matter how busy they are. And when I mean they "know" their purpose, I am not just talking about them putting a label on something they want, but rather it is core to them, it is something they are willing to put everything into, even if it breaks them.
But it doesn't.
They find a way to survive.
I can't judge the complete lives of others, because I only see a sliver and nothing below the surface. But, the actions of others and the conversations they create are good points of reflection to take a step back and ask the question,
"Am I okay?"
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
My wife is in a position at work where she takes on a lot of heavy emotional and mental stuff every day. I really wish she had a good outlet to decompress. Unfortunately, many times when she goes out with friends, they unknowingly(?) take advantage of her ability to listen well and dump all their problems on her. She needs a break, but will probably never willingly take one.
It is a hard position to be in for sure. There seems to be this thing that if you listen well to the problems of others, it means you must have your shit together and have no problems yourself.
I guess so!
I think it's sadly a lot like the animated movie where the majority of people are going to end up useless and fat, drinking milkshakes on their floating chairs plugged into the metaverse. I certainly hope I'm wrong, but if we keep heading in this trajectory it's likely!
I can appreciate, kind of, this focus on "mental health" until it gets to the point where it's not at all about "mental health" and it's the latest fad: keeping people hooked into some therapist to siphon more money out of them into the system. Eventually if people keep reverting to therapy for shit, you don't know how the fuck to manage everyday life. It's really pretty foolish how SO many people have therapists. It's called being a fucking adult buttercup! Suck it up, deal with it and keep on moving.
Therapy has it's places, like PTSD affected people. TRUE PTSD, not "I had my feelings hurt now I'm afflicted with PTSD" type shit. Seeing somebody blown up in front of you, that's real PTSD. The sad shit these days is not.
I absolutely wake up every day, and if I have problems, I reflect back on how good I've got it compared to a lot of people in the world, even people on Hive who are living with minimal electricity and shit, or the people in North Korea. We've come a long way since 1940, but not all of us sadly!
It is almost there with the AI robots now.
I was reading a very interesting article on how therapy on average is coming from the female perspective, which is nurturing, but life doesn't have much of the male perspective, which encourages to dust off and keep trying. There is imbalance.
"I saw a fit person and it made me feel bad - I have PTSD"
I do laugh, as I have a similar personality, somehow. My skills are constant, as I do not get influenced much by a crisis, so let's say driving skills, 90% of the average people skill, but it their skill drop by 50% when it is snowing (You do not live in UK, here they are afraid of 5cm of snow, bus, train, flight, everything stops, they literally do not know how to drive on snow, as they have it like once every 8 years), mine is still the same, so I drive better than others.
At work, same thing, do not get affected by stuff, usually. So I can perform constantly at the same level.
That is an interesting example for comparison. In Finland, people still drive normally when snowing, but slow to a crawl when it is raining! I don't get it, however I am a far better driver now than I was when I first arrived here, as now I have driven in just about every set of conditions imaginable.
Supposedly, the last time the Helsinki airport was closed due to snow, was over twenty years ago, and it was for about half an hour :D
A professional doesn't have to be in the mood to do a professional job.
Oh, yeas, the differences between every country, in UK people walk normally through the rain, and run when it is snowing, for the snowflakes to not touch them. Im my native country we stay out when it is snowing and enjoy, but run to hide when raining. My wife is english, she is always baffled by this when we visit back home.
Lol - I haven't seen that here - but I will have to watch for it :)
I guess it's because you consider how it will be when some things go bad that you have a bigger cushion than your friends. I know of people that like to celebrate or buy expensive things when they receive bonuses or windfalls. They barely save and like to live in the moment. So when they get sick, or something gets broken, it is harder for them to cope.
It could be this. It could also be that I have less options available, as I don't have a very good support network in case things go bad.
And then they expect others to help them.
When you say you are the friend everyone should go to in bad times but keep their distance in good times, what do you mean?
I am not sure the reason for your stroke and it is a shame to know that you went through that situation, 3 years ago under the effects of intense anxiety attacks, stress and nerves I suffered something similar and it took me a lot to recover, the consequences are not really favorable, perhaps if something in me was broken and there was no recovery time other than a week of isolation that was my therapy and back to cover the basic basket, perhaps the Romans in clandestine times endured intense physical and mental effort but today many of us live what I call the disease of the XXI century Stress, another cruel testimony bro...
It is a complex question because for each person there is a concept of being well, or at least many of us believe that when we are not in an extreme situation is the same as being well, without knowing that we can be "well" in the sense of peace of mind, according to me we get it when we win the war to the things that cause us stress and anxiety, as is the desire.
Greetings from Venezuela, excuse me if I understood myself but I found it interesting how you see some things.
I mean that when people are having bad times, they will come to me to talk, to unload their problems and get advice. But when they are in good times, they don't want me around, because I am a "bad times" kind of person.
Hope you are able to find some peace with yourself now.
Most of the time, if we stop a moment and think about our current situation, we are probably okay.
Understand u.
Hmm
I don’t know much about you but I can tell that you’re someone who never wants to have a bad time even though you feel anyone can have you around when times are bad. I think what you’re simply doing is preparing for the bad days so you won’t have to worry when the time comes but unfortunately, it overshadows some good days
I don't want anyone to have a bad time to the point that I have probably too often been in bad times, to save others from being in it.
Parenthood's such a big piece of this puzzle. A colleague was in our work group chat yesterday, talking about the video game his girlfriend's playing; and how they don't like to play that one two player, so he's playing a different one.
These are people who've decided not to get married, and to never have kids.
So I guess that's it for them now, in their early 30's.
Already achieved everything they wanted to, nothing left to strive for.
I expect he sees it differently, but to my mind I'm on a journey and he's on a treadmill; I want to get somewhere (grandfather), and he wants to just maintain what he has.
To stay where he is.
He appears to handle stress well, but I have no idea how.
In his situation I don't think I'd cope with day to day life, let alone any particularly stressful experience.
Life is a journey with its share of ups and downs, and mastering control over these fluctuations is essential. However, equally crucial is the art of taking breaks and finding moments to relax. For me, that entails retreating to remote areas devoid of distractions including no connection. It's about immersing oneself fully in nature, allowing its tranquil embrace to envelop and nurture. These moments of solitude afford the opportunity for deep reflection, enabling a return to the fundamentals of existence.