I didn’t need to think hard when I was asked what my love languages are. Or maybe in what order I would rank the different love languages on a personal level. Okay, I think I needed to think but I was quite sure of the love language that wasn’t ranking high on the list. And that was gift giving.
I’m not sure why but staring at the few choice gifts I got from male interests and female friends in high school on my birthdays had me squeamish. I would be overridden with anxiety and a thousand thoughts. “Does that mean I would have to get every one of them things randomly or on their birthdays?” “Would they be expecting more gifts like that in the future?” “Would this become a routine?” “What is the possibility that one or two of them might expect gifts that were not quite like the ones they had given me?”
I never liked how all the questions and anxiety concerned with gift-giving made me feel. So I thought to myself. If I didn’t get them anything at all, probably just send in my good wishes and prayers on their birthdays and not make the mistake of giving them things randomly, would that perhaps let them get the general idea that I wasn’t a giver and shouldn’t be given anything in return? It wasn’t the truth anyway, but a girl had to take steps, didn’t she?
I’ve had an early experience with being expected to return something because you were given something. So, it did with all honesty put me off gifts. Another thing that added to it was the fact that I’m quite terrible at deciding what to give as gifts. I’ve seen and even gotten quite a few times really thoughtful gifts that made me doubt my ability to be that creative where gifting is concerned.
Except is something that the person has mentioned before as a need or I suddenly get a note of inspiration, which is not often, but it does happen and I’d be like, “This person would love this,” or “This would look good on this person.” Either way, my plan not to get gifts because I didn’t give them didn’t work plus the fact that I kind of felt bad not being able to put a smile on people’s faces, particularly the ones whose love languages were gift giving.
Concerning chronic gift givers, I never actually met one till I got to the tertiary institution. And I met this girl who became my friend and she’d just get me gifts. Almost every week, she will bring a shoe or dress my way and say “I thought this looked nice on you.” On my birthdays too, she’d go all out. And I instantly began to feel the pressure.
I didn’t know what to give in particular as I started with things I could do like also paying for meals and stuff like that which I felt I could handle and hoped that she wouldn’t bring up the fact that I didn’t get more gifts because frankly, I wouldn’t know what to give.
I noticed, however, that it started feeling like an obligation. She’d be expecting meals as my way of gifting for the things she’d gift me and it started feeling more like a transaction than gifting. And a compulsory kind of transaction at that. So it’s like, you’d gift clothes to me of your own volition and I’m mandated to pay for stuff.
I had to draw the line at some point by not paying for stuff. She didn’t confront me about it and kept gifting so I don’t know if I was the one that read meaning to it. I did notice, however, that there was some form of tension and awkwardness when it came to paying for meals. So, I told her the way I was feeling and said she didn’t have to keep gifting me things cause I was feeling weird about it.
She was a bit salty about it but she came to understand. Or at least, I’d like to think so because at the end of the day, that may be how she understands love. Giving gifts. And I can’t change that. I’m still not sure about how I feel about gifting but I try my best to make what I give worthwhile in a way that it doesn’t feel like a chore or a transaction. Understanding plays a huge role in these things.
Jhymi🖤
Image is mine.
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Pura's such a gifter. All the time. I'm probably a worse return gifter than you. She goes all out for my birthdays, too, like way too out and I've never felt comfortable on my birthday. I like to stay home that day.
Not on her watch. And it's always something special. The worst part—her birthday. 19 days after mine, I don't stand a chance.
I thought I was the only one who loves staying at home. It's a whole thing around here. Birthday photoshoots, venues and all of that. It's way too much pressure when I can have my favourite meals at home with a good book in my hand.
Lol. Best believe you'll return the energy by a 100.
I could do an entire piece on it. I related to this one, you have no idea. And I don't know what it is. Both my wife and I will know it's coming, here it comes! I can try to avoid it but it doesn't stop. Not sure what triggers all the anxiety. My favorite birthday present would be no more birthdays.
Holidays—total opposite. Christmas, Easter, et cetera.. No problem.
Lol. No more birthdays sounds like a good present.
Yeah, I love the holidays cause I get to rest from college and then I hate the holidays cause I get to be away from college. Don't know if you understand what I mean.
Interesting, I think I kind of get the whole feeling where it seems like you have to repay the favor when you get a gift. That's always the first thing on my mind when I get a gift 😅, and sometimes I don't like it. Funny enough I like to give gifts as well so I guess I'm just weird.
It's a good thing you explained things to your friend, even though she was a bit salty, it was the best for the two of you.
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Yeah, I figured that it was the best and I think you're an excellent gifter as well so the energy is matched. What I'm trying to say is, I get where you're coming from.😄
I relate to your post so well.
At some point, if you don't have a secure notion of yourself, you might start to feel like you're a bad person for not returning the favour and gifting back.
I understand you feeling squeamish when gifted something, especially something very expensive that you weren't expecting. You now have to calculate how exactly you'll afford to return the gesture.
It's crazy!