Every child is completely unique. I certainly don't subscribe to any train of thought that uses a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. I simply share from my own experiences from my small sliver of life.
My children are intensely polite and accommodating. So much so, that they will bend over backwards to be helpful, kind, or simply be a good sport about doing something they don't have any desire to do. As a mother, this trait is fantastic! They make my life incredibly easy. But out in the real world, where they need to interact with other kids, teachers, coaches and even extended family, I've discovered that teaching them that their opinion not only matters, but must be heard, is vital.
I am a strong believer in teaching kids obedience. There will always be those "Get out of the street right now so you don't die!" moments of parenting, when a child needs to simply obey quickly without understanding or further discussion. But as they get older, those situations become less frequent and the training switches more to learning how to make the right decisions on their own, rather than simply mindlessly obeying instructions.
I have had many conversations with other parents where they tout their young teens obedience skills. They have created a culture in their home where 'My way or the highway' is a part of nearly every discussion. That may work well for them while they are in their home environment, but I have seen those same children be more susceptible to falling into the wrong friendships with peers.
The ingrained and habitual training of a child to simply follow instructions, will inevitably lead that child to constantly seek out others to instruct them in all aspects of their lives.
Our world is full of people ready and willing to boss a child around. There is a seemingly endless supply of naturally controlling people or plain old bullies. One child that I know has been 'adopted' by every bully in their class for the last 4 years. The mother is perplexed as to why this keeps happening, but she doesn't realize that by teaching her child to simply submit and not exercise her own will, thoughts or opinions at home, she has been training her child to also submit to bullies without even attempting to resist.
I have had to discuss this topic regularly with my girls in regards to their extended family. When they go to visit them, they are entering a culture that has none of the values that we adhere to in our home. This puts them in a predicament. Should they honor their elders and 'authority figures' and simply obey, or should they stand up for their values and decline to participate in certain activities? Teaching them to tread this line has been challenging but so worth it.
It is completely possible to speak and act with honor while at the same time, holding your ground.
My daughters have learned over the years how to hold a boundary while using honoring speech.
"No thank you" can be one of the most powerful phrases your child learns.
I feel like as adults we often feel pressure to explain why we don't want to do something or aren't available to do something. Our children pick up on this habit.
"I can't come today because I have... homeroom duty, a doctors appt, laundry to do, to pick someone up at the airport, etc."
We don't owe the world an explanation or excuse for why we are declining to participate. Our children need to understand that not only are they allowed to say no without providing a reason, but they are empowered to do so. For my teens they are often invited to watch a movie they know is inappropriate, or go to a location they know is not safe, or skipping class. Teaching my kids that you can still be completely nice while simply saying "No" has changed their lives. My children have not struggled with bullies at school, and they have over the years learned to stand up to their relatives in a respectful manner without fear.
Our kids voices matter.
It's important as parents to make sure they know that, and help them practice using their voice in strong, kind and respectful ways.
Thank you for sharing this insight. I especially feel it's important to teach these values to our girls because they have to fight against so many cultural norms that negatively label them when they do speak their minds. It's something I struggle with even at my age so I'm doing my best to raise my 21 month old with more freedom of respectful expression than I had. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank you so much. I agree, I think girls sometimes tend to struggle more with setting healthy boundaries and standing up for what they need.
What a great post. It's definitely something that I endeavour to build in my children. I am also a teacher and find that some kids are very shy and often need their parents there to speak for them. Manners, although thought of as something from an older generation, is a sign of respect. There are many children that sometimes have an air of entitlement and rarely use their manners.
I teach kids to smile and say a simple hello to people as they pass. It builds confidence and always brings a smile to the other person.
I like what you write and am looking forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! I love hearing your perspective as a parent and as a teacher. I agree, the simple art of polite interactions seem to have been a bit lost on a lot of the kids these days. I read an article the other day discussing how employers are actually having a difficult time hiring younger people, not because they can't perform the tasks, but because they do not possess simple, polite people skills. I hope to instill those skills in my kids so they will be able thrive in whatever environment they choose to pursue as they grow up
What a great approach! My sons are still very young (4 years, and 3 weeks), but I have already laid a foundation of freedom while establishing a healthy respect for authority.
The parents are most certainly "in charge", but it doesn't come to that much. My four year old is given the freedom to explore and learn in his own way, provided that way is safe.
@cryptomomma and I have recently started a curation effort centered around parenting. We would like to invite you to use the #steemmoms tag on posts about being a mother, and we'll be sure to try and get them some more attention 😁
It sounds like you are creating such a healthy home culture so early! I wish I had known everything I know now when my girls were little. They are 13 and 15 now.
Thank you so much for the invitation! That sounds amazing! I am loving getting to connect with other parents in this space and learn from their wisdom and experiences. I would love to follow you and your wife and use your tag. Thats incredibly kind of you to invite me.
Parents aren't getting the attention they deserve here on steemit. I aim to fix that. This is the hardest 24/7 job imaginable, and we all deserve a pat on the back and our own juicebox every now and again 😉
I fully agree! Thanks for taking the initiative and creating a group. I'm honored to be included. It sounds like you are cultivating a really encouraging space for parents : )
You can also come chat with us and other SteemParents on our Discord Channel!
great post...as father , I can understand..upvoted & RS
Thank you so much!
You welcome
I totaly agree with you, good manners bring our kids far in life. They have to leave home sometime and the most important thing for me is that they will know what is wrong and as you say, no thanks I dont want to do this or that without being rude but at least they will reach their goals in lilfe by having a decent upbringing.
I agree. I think the way they learn to set boundaries has such a big effect on how those boundaries are received.
I completely agree in the power of a simple "No, Thank you." As a mother to a 16 year old I know these kids live in different times than I did and knew at the same time some things stay the same - and how important having boundaries is (as a kid and even now) and that its ok to say NO, and you dont have to give a reason either.
I feel like the more people who practice this the more society will eventually accept the "NO." I find some people arent accustomed to hearing it and they want justification as to why lol
No is no, for many of my reasons none of which I care to share.
Well said! I completely agree! It's a lesson for us all to grow in : )
Good sharing. In asia we do need to apply more.
nice to meet you.
Please follow me @patricksanlin and upvote. Thanks
I really appreciate authentic posts like this, totally agree, and I look forward to seeing more of your content in the future. Hoping you’ll follow so we can connect and continue to evolve and learn from each other! Remember, be yourself, because nobody else does it better -- Full #Steem ahead @kristin.nova :)
Much ❤
@Tayken
Thank you so much! I appreciate the love : )
I commend all parents who take an interest. These aren't easy times to be alive...let alone raising little ones. I've met some great kids lately. It's all about the parents. It's refreshing. Kudos👏👍
I agree. Parenting in this day and age is challenging. It really is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs there is. I'm so thankful I get to do it. : ) Thank you for the kind words
Love, love this! I was almost 30 years old before I found my voice.
My 3 yr old son is very open with his Dad and I, but incredibly non-confrontational with his peers. He also has a significant speech delay. "Finding your voice" is a hot topic in our home.
Thank you for encouraging others and for this honest and original post! Resteemed!
Thank you so much for the encouragement! I had a similar experience in my own life, not finding my voice until I was in my late 20's. It sounds like you are loving your son so well. To be able to start him understanding these ideas at such a young age will put him ahead of the curve. He's gonna do great!
Very helpful friend.
Thank you!
I do not agree completely that every child is unique as there are methods of learning that fit subsets of children. With that said, there is a lot to be gained from a personalised teaching method where questions are encouraged.
I prefer to believe in the individuality of children rather than uniqueness...
Thank you for your thoughts. Do you find that you parent your children in more individual ways or often the same?
Amazing post! This is what i usually tell my mum. She has taught me manners, kindness n respect for others etc so much that i now that i have grown up feel like I have nothing in my life. Even in my work place I see i work hard in the office and people leave me their work also n go, one time I got mad n there the next day people are like alex is not intersted anymore in this company, and i am like when did i say that, i dont go around distributing my work to other people cuz i have more. And now a couple of months back that guy gets a hike! Wooww i just dont know what to say.. Its like i dont know to speak up. :( anyways do check my last post on motivation if you feel interested! https://steemit.com/life/@alexkoshy/the-world-is-full-of-people-who-could-be-and-should-be-but-are-not
I know that struggle so well! I didn't really learn to set healthy boundaries and use my voice until my late 20's. It can be a huge adjustment when we have had certain habits for so long. I remember someone telling me that people would treat me as well or as poorly as I allowed. That idea really changed my thinking about quite a few of my relationships.
Very true! I got to work on this! All this manners and politeness is not fetching me anything!
thanks for the amazing post
Thank you so much!
Great post! I agree with all of it. I reflect on when I was a child and I was conditioned to be quiet and listen. I developed a guilt for all I did and I now have to try to break that.
I completely understand. I struggled the same way. I hope some of these ideas help : )
Unfortunately there are waaay too many people out there that don't understand this, and it shows. I wish more people thought like you who are raising our next generation of leaders who will be making decisions about what to do about us when we're old.
That's really encouraging! Thank you. It's a huge responsibility to raise the next generation. Very humbling to think of the weight of it.
It's an under rated job.
Thank you for the insightful post!
I teach college freshmen and what you expressed is so true - I see it in the classroom every semester. Kids who are just taught how to obey (and not how to have self-discipline and think for themselves) find themselves at a loss when confronted with circumstances requiring critical thinking skills. Kids who do not learn how to rely on themselves will be at the mercy of others later in life, trusting that the 'leaders' they are following will have their best interests at heart. Having observed many millenials coming up for the better part of the last decade, I think this is the root cause of much of the charges of being an "entitled" generation. They have had all (or most) of their thinking done for them, so that is all they know. And it's not their fault. My parents always told me that their job as parents was to put themselves out of a job. It seems that many Boomer and GenX generation parents can not bear to let go of that role. I have a friend who has 2 teens, and she still requires babysitters for them. Wtf? When are those fledglings ever going to learn how to fly if they aren't allowed to leave the nest and try their wings?
Thank you for sharing this. It's so interesting to think about the entitlement issue being potentially rooted in a feeling of helplessness and uncertainty because they literally have never tried to do things on their own. I understand how well intentioned parents fall into this trap, but like you said so well, it's our job to teach them independence, not how to excel at dependence.
The voice of a child does matter. This is what I strive to do even though my son is autistic and he hardly communicate through his voice and words.
I'm sure you are able to communicate love in such incredibly creative ways. I'm sure your son feels how proud you are of him every day. I think every parent is a hero, but parenting through mental and physical challenges earns you another level of hero. Thank you for all the millions of tiny and huge things I'm sure you do everyday to love your son well.
Thanks for all the suggestions. As long as he knows that i love him, that is enough.
I love this. Love it, love it. Even when they are little, their voice matters. I think so often, especially when kids cry about something, it's so common to say, "Oh, stop crying, it's ok." In our house, we talk about "big feelings" and that it's ok to have and express big feelings. Crying isn't shushed, it's talked about. I loved this quote in particular:
This is so encouraging! Thank you for sharing. I think that teaching kids to communicate their feelings is so important! It sounds like you are a wonderful parent : )
Thank you! That's the same thought I had while I read your blog post this morning!